2013-04-15 - 12:44 a.m.
Alright, I've been trying to find some time to update an entry beside another piece of poetry (which is always short and relatively easier.) Too busy, too little time.
Now is the time, while I'm still awake. I'm not asleep yet, although I'm actually tired and have to wake up early for work tomorrow. I guess it's just one of those restless nights with so much on my mind.
Honestly, I have no accurate idea about my own emotional state these days. I've been feeling unstable and almost out of control lately. The good thing is, so far I can still manage to keep myself together. Well, sort of.
I'm tired. I'm just at this stage where I just don't care too much anymore. Really. I just know that I'm trying my best. Everyday I do. Every fucking day, tirelessly.
Sorry if that's still not good enough. But then again, what else is new? Reality always expects too much from me.
Do I sound like a cry-baby now, a major complainer? A weakling or a spoiled brat?
Well, fuck off! Other people do that too all the time and they still get away with it. They seem to get away with everything!
Why can't I do that too, at least once in a while? Is it too much to ask? Huh??
*deep sigh*
Alright, alright - I'll calm down.
There.
See what I mean about me? Emotionally unstable.One time I wake up feeling fine, ready to take on the world by storm - even all alone. Some other time, I wake up feeling drained, not wanting to do anything. Or so damn helpless that I feel like crying.
Or outraged that I feel like yelling. Or punching someone in the face. Or crying my eyes out again. One way or another. Whichever urge that surfaces first.
Or all of the above.
There's also the scariest part: there are times when I wake up feeling...indifferent. Cold. Numb. It feels like I'm not quite myself, going into autopilot mode. Almost mechanical, as if I'm a robot.
Strange, huh?
Or maybe I'm starting to get pretty good at letting go. Or I just get sidetracked - or distracted - from what I really want to do with my life lately. My life. Me. It's who I need to focus on more lately. If I sound selfish, then sorry. I can't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders alone. It's not fair on me. I'm never meant to be a superhero.
And yes, I hate my conscience sometimes. You know, being the sensible, cautious, and responsible one. Letting others drown and suffocate you with their stories and problems until you forget yours. Or worse, forget that you too have your own.
I don't know if this is normal. I don't know if this is okay or not, good or bad. I'm not sure. I just know that I'm tired. If I describe my life lately, it might probably be like this:
"Ask me nothing about social life. Don't ask me about dating and boyfriends. I'm too busy making more money."
T's told me that's been the major cause for the strain on my face.
Will this sound weird to you, if I tell you that I am on the verge of falling apart?
R.
