2012-08-06 - 4:23 p.m.
I don�t really know why I decided to write this. Maybe it�s because of something I�ve never really seen before, which still makes me wonder.
First of all, thank you very much for taking me on a holiday with you. I know that our time in Singapore wasn�t really planned. I didn�t know that you really cared about me that much, but I do now. It was all in the words you said � a simple line:
�I�ve never seen you smile like that. It was really a good thing, and I�m glad I�ve tapped into this.�
I swear to God, if you happened to be the guy of my dreams, I�d fall for you because of that. No joke. You really are that sweet and precious to me.
However, I�m not delusional � unlike some girls you might know. You know I cherish our friendship. This is just as far as we both can ever really get and I�m all cool with that.
Right. Now where do I begin? You often say that once we start bringing up something, we can�t just take it back. I know that�s how all storytellers should do their job.
I guess I�ll just begin from that first night we spent in Bali. It was the time you reunited with him after what had seemed like ages. You said you two had quite a �brief history�, and I just nodded.
Actually, I had sensed something that night, but I didn�t really pay any attention that much � at least until we arrived at that restaurant. You were giddy with excitement. Your beautiful hazel eyes were twinkling. You could always blame me for my �so-called innocence� � or this rare �talent� I have. I don�t just see things; I also notice. Most of the time, it�s difficult for me to pretend otherwise.
Before we met him, you�d asked me to let you two spend some time alone � without me around. No problem, dear. I could understand that. There are things some old friends need to catch up with each other. You know I always respect your privacy.
That�s why I told you guys I�d roam around for a while after dinner. You could give me a credit for two things: appearing nonchalant and oblivious like a gullible kid � and being Ms.Independent. A lot of people who don�t know me tend to think/assume that I don�t know that much. That�s okay. You often tell me: �Let them all think that way about you until it bites them in the arse!� Ha-ha, true!
I�m also good at being alone, perhaps because people rarely take me seriously or even notice me. (Of course, you always disagree with the last bit.)
Anyway, back to that night at the restaurant.
None of you realized that I was actually watching you guys from afar. (Well, not all the time, because I also wanted to enjoy the rest of the view around me.) Why? Hmm, you know I can be such a curious cat sometimes.
The two of you were so into your conversation. To my surprise, I noticed something different about you. For the first time since your breakup with your last ex, you were�glowing. I swear, the lights around the outdoor area of the restaurant were nothing compared to your obvious radiance to my eyes. No, my dear. I�m not making this up.
And the guy�can I blame you for having those feelings that night? There was this sense of gentleness in him that I couldn�t explain. How do I put it? He was also glowing, although probably not as bright as you were that night.
I had to turn away for a while, because that sudden warmth just overwhelmed me. Then you called me on the phone, asking me to come back to our table.
Once he disappeared into the restroom, I looked at you and smiled like a shy-but-curious little sister that I often am. You were smiling back at me, your hazel eyes still twinkling.
�What?� you asked me curiously.
�Nothing.� I shrugged. I don�t know what had gotten to me that night, but I couldn�t stop myself from blurting out: �He�s gorgeous.�
�Oh, yeah.� You agreed.
�And he seems sweet,� I added with my very big grin. You seemed a bit surprised at my comment, but then you smiled again and nodded in agreement.
�Yes, he is a sweetheart.�
At the end of that night, I saw you two kiss each other�s cheeks. Then, to my surprise, he turned to me and did the same. Oh, wow. I didn�t know that I could be that impressive on someone I�d just met.
After he�d left, we got into the car and you were driving us back to the hotel as we talked. The only part I remember most was your confession:
�I was an asshole to him back then.�
I sensed regrets in your voice, so I gently touched your shoulder as I said: �Well, it�s a good thing that he still wanted to see you after that. You�re right; he�s a real sweetheart.�
�Yeah.� You sighed. I saw something like, longing in your hazel eyes. �He�s really got a big heart.�
We didn�t think much of him until our last day in Bali.
I still remember how anxious you were that night. You had forgotten to hand him the cookies you had baked, so we needed to catch up with him before our flight back to Jakarta.
When we got to his workplace, you asked me to wait in the car. So I did, while you were out with your cookies for him. To my surprise, minutes later you came back�with him. I didn�t know what had gotten to me again that night, but I found myself getting out of the car and running to give him a big hug. I�m sorry, I just couldn�t stop myself.
Luckily, he hugged me back. There was a trace of surprise and genuine concern in his gentle voice:
�Are you okay?�
�Yeah,� I lied. I�d wanted to cry, but caught myself in time. �Don�t worry, I�ll be alright.�
He released me and we both exchanged smiles at each other. Then I watch you guys talk for a while. That was when something completely out of the blue happened right in front of my eyes!
He kissed you. Not on the cheek, though, but it was quick one. I saw you return the kiss as well.
Oh, wow�
After we�d bid farewell to him, we got into the car again. It was a pretty long drive to the airport that night. There was an awkward moment of silence. I glanced at you and noticed something frail in your eyes.
�Are you okay?� I asked timidly, something I now realize I should never have asked. You were smiling sadly.
�He kissed me�here.� You touched your lips slowly, as if lingering the past sensation. Like an innocent girl that I sometimes still am, I smiled shyly at you.
�I know,� I said quietly. �I was there too, remember? I saw the whole thing.�
�That was totally unexpected.� You were quiet for a moment, obviously deep in thought. �And I kissed him too.�
�Yeah.� I smiled again. For some reasons I couldn�t even understand why, I couldn�t resist teasing you: �That was pretty romantic.�
�Yeah�well.� You sighed heavily. �He shouldn�t have done that.�
�Why?� Okay, this is the part where I should�ve just stopped and kept my mouth shut. �Did that bring back old feelings?�
You didn�t say a word. When I glanced at you again, I saw your eyes brimming. Oh, dear�
�Oh, no.� I sighed sadly. �They don�t just come back. They�ve always been there�right?�
�What?�
�Those feelings.� Oh, God. �I guess some feelings are that strong they don�t just die easily.�
�Oh, well.� You shrugged again. �That�s life.�
Says the bitter one�
--- // ---
�If only I had been less blind, I�d have someone to hold on to. If only I could change your mind. If only I had known�if only I had you�� (�If Only� by.Hoobastank)
We had to wait for our flight back to Jakarta that night. No problem. We could have dinner someplace at the airport.
And I should�ve picked another meal. That rawon had tasted really weird.
Oh, Hazel Eyes. Somehow, I couldn�t make you feel any better that night. Your mind was already stuck on him. So was your heart. I know you, so you couldn�t lie to me. You can�t. Don�t you lie to me�
�You�re still thinking about him,� I pointed out. You were obviously holding back your tears, and I�d had a strong feeling this would leave a permanent mental scar within. �I just mentioned his name seconds ago, and now you�re like this�all over the place.�
For a moment, our gaze met in silence. My heart just went out to you. Oh, my dear Hazel Eyes. Didn�t you know that this side of you was simply breaking my heart? It always hurts me to see you so sad, so broken like that. I love you. You�re my best friend. We�re practically like soul siblings already.
And you�re also my hero. You didn�t just save me from drowning when we were at Dreamland Beach. You�ve saved me from a lot of things. That�s why you mean so much to me. I just want you to be happy.
�What does your heart tell you?� I asked carefully, my heart pounding. �I mean, what is it telling you now?�
You sighed again. �But my mind is asking me: �What if he says he�s not interested?� I mean, I�ve already asked him this long ago. He said he wasn�t interested, so I gave up.�
�That was then, this is now,� I pointed out again. �How do you know? You haven�t asked him anything yet.�
You fell silent.
Then we continued our conversation on the plane. You�d never held my hand that tight before, as if hanging on for dear life. I�d never seen you like that before. I didn�t know what to do. You were obviously so broken and that was just killing me.
At last, you stopped fighting back your tears. My hand felt numb in your tight grip, but I didn�t mind. In fact, I didn�t care. I looked at you and felt something warm and heavy in my eyes as well�
�You know what I�m thinking right now,� you said without turning to me. Then you sighed again in despair. �Oh, God. What am I doing here? Why am I here?�
�You can come back later and tell him this, if you really want to.� Oh, my dear. Please forgive this simple, childlike mind. I hate to see you so sad. I just want you to be happy.
�What did you see when we were there that night?�
I considered this for a moment. I had to be careful.
�I don�t know.� I shrugged. �It�s just�there�s something so sweet, so fragile about him. He has sad eyes.�
�He�s sweet. He�s always been. I was such a jerk to him.�
�And you�I�ve never seen you like this before.� I was certain now. I looked at you again. �You weren�t like this when you were with M. You didn�t look at M the way you were looking at him that night. So different.�
�How?� You looked back at me, now genuinely curious. I slowly waved my hand in front of your face.
�Glow,� I explained. �Your face was full of that radiant glow I�ve never seen before, not even when you were still with M.�
�And him?�
�Also glow.�But a much fainter one, I forgot to add, because you were already sighing. Your hazel eyes now radiated with hope.Oh, God. I�m so sorry, sweetheart. For your sake, I had hoped that I had been right.
�And I don�t remember hugging M the way I just hugged him,� I reasoned. �He kissed you. I was there. If that hadn�t meant anything, he wouldn�t have done that right in front of me. He wouldn�t even have bothered walking you back to the parking lot.�
Wait. Wait, what the hell was I talking about? What did I know? I�m just a kid in this department. I�m still a kid�
�Everything you said about me was true.�
I sighed, tightening my grip on your hand. I felt my own tears starting and wiped them off with my free hand.
�What do I do now?� you asked me, looking all lost and confused. �Should I pursue this or not?�
�If he�s that worthy and important to you, then why not?� I challenged you. Then it hit me. �Perhaps it wasn�t M all along. Perhaps it was him your reason to stay here.�
You nodded slowly, as if taking my every word into a serious consideration. Then you had this idea:
�Should I bring him over here?�
�No!� I shot you a look. �You�re the one coming there. Something like this should be addressed in person, not through text messages. You�re the one who needs to tell him this.�
�What if he�s still not interested?�
�Then you can stop wondering and asking,� I reasoned again. �You can stop wondering and then just move on. At least you know his answer, whatever that may be. At least you�ve tried your best.�
And I care about you so much that I want you to be happy. You know that�
�You�ve always been brave and strong. I know you can do this. I have faith in you.�
�Thank you.� Then you hugged my arm close to your chest. I leaned against your shoulder and felt your light kiss on the top of my head. We fell silent for a long time after that�
--- // ---
�If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it�s all coming back to me
Now��
Don�t worry, Mom and my brother didn�t know anything. They picked us up at the airport that night, looking glad that we both had safely returned.
I tried to cheer you up on our way back to your apartment. We were sitting on the backseat while Mom was next to my brother � who was driving.
Then that song came on the stereo. Meatloaf and Marion Raven�s cover version of Celine Dion�s �It�s All Coming Back To Me Now�. I felt your hand reaching out to mine and I turned to you.
Don�t. Please, don�t do that again. It�s going to be okay�
Not much to do that night. You thanked Mom and my brother when we arrived at your apartment. Then you turned to me and we kissed each other�s cheeks. I didn�t care that they could hear us or that I sounded like a scared little girl. I was seriously worried about you.
�I love you,� was all that I could say that night. You returned the same line to me:
�I love you too.�
--- // ---
��Cause I can�t change, I�m not the same�not forever. What can I say? I�m not okay. I wish I was. I want you back. I want a time I can remember. It�s as simple as I say. I can change, I�m not the same�� ( �Not Forever� by.Popsicle)
�Is he okay?� my brother asked about you a day after that. It was completely out of the blue. �He was unusually quiet last night.�
�He�s just sad that he�s leaving Indonesia this August.� It was half a lie, but I had to protect you anyway.
I could imagine that week must have felt like a sheer, mental torture to you. You�d been fighting back tears. His mixed signals on his FB posts and messages had confused the hell out of both of us. Had he been feeling the same way too? Why did you get a bad feeling about this?
�Is it wrong to miss you so much?�
Was he talking about you? What if I had read it wrong?
And he had wondered why you wanted to see him again � just him alone this time. Hazel Eyes, I understood just how badly you�d wanted to tell him right there and then.
�You have to say it to his face,� I strongly suggested. �Let him know that you�re serious, that you�re for real this time. Even if his answer happens to be a �no�, then at least you show him that you�re a much different, much better person than you were back then.�
�I hope so too.�
Amen�
--- // ---
�I�ll do whatever it takes to turn this around. I know what�s at stake. I know that I�ve let you down. And if you give me a chance, believe that I can change, I�ll keep us together�whatever it takes�� ( �Whatever It Takes� by.Lifehouse )
That Saturday night before your flight again back to Bali, we had dinner at that steak restaurant Andakar after work. You said you�d been starving because you hadn�t eaten anything yet since morning. I was pretty cross with you. Why? I didn�t want you to get sick. I understood that you�d been stressed out that entire week, but there are times when you need to listen to me and take my anger seriously.
You just smiled at me when I told you that. You always do that. You know you�ve got friends who really give a damn about you here.
That was when we read his latest update on FB:
�It�s complicated�but just enjoy it��
You�d just finished your steak and ended up not ordering the second round. You said you couldn�t eat anymore after reading that. I didn�t blame you.
�Is he talking about me?� You looked at me. Your hands were shaking again and I had to hold them. Your hazel eyes were wide.
�I don�t know,� I answered quickly, panic rising in my voice. My stomach had a triple-knot inside.
�What do I do?� you demanded. �What do I do now?�
�I don�t know!� I was almost in tears. My hands were trembling too now. I felt my cheeks flush, so I gazed down. I couldn�t meet your gaze.
I�m so sorry. Did I read it wrong? What the hell do I know? I shouldn�t have made you believe there was that possibility that you could be with him again, that you�d be happy and in love again. I�m just a kid, too hopeful and full of my simple, childlike mind sometimes. At least, if I don�t get along with love and romance, my best friend can be luckier than me. I�m not asking for too much, am I?
When I looked up, your expression had changed drastically. Gone was the sadness, that longing and confusion from your eyes. My insides felt cold when I noticed that familiar hollowness in your eyes. So bitter, so cold.
�You know what? I don�t care.� You shrugged. �I�ll just stick with the plan. If it doesn�t work out, I�ll just have fun. After all, life is too short.�
You know what I�d thought that night? You were lying. Not just to me, but even to yourself. You were lying and � deep down � you knew that. You couldn�t deny that, no matter how hard you tried.
And you also knew that I was reading you all too well that night. It just hurt me so much.
�Alright, tell me.� You grew serious. �What are you reading now? Come on.�
I felt tears starting and looked down. You reached out for my hand.
�Hey,� you said. �Ssh, don�t. Come on, this isn�t about you. This is about me.�
That�s why, I�d wanted to scream at you. �You�re running away from yourself, from your own feelings. You�re afraid to get hurt again.�
When I gazed back at you, a trace of sadness came across your face again. You said nothing. You didn�t argue with me.
I was right, wasn�t I??
--- // ---
�And it won�t matter now�whatever happens will be�Though the air speaks of all we�ll never be�it won�t trouble me�� (�All I Want� by.Toad The Wet Sprocket)
That Sunday afternoon, I�d been anxious. You�d promised to tell me the verdict while you were there.
Then your phone rang and your number was on screen. I picked it up and had wanted to ask: �How did it go?� but stopped myself in time.
It was him. Surprise! He was with you at that time. His warm, gentle voice asked me how I was doing and why I�d seemed so sad lately � from my latest FB updates.
�Ah, nothing,� I lied. I had to, sorry. �I was just worrying about someone I know.�
�Ahh, I see.� He seemed to understand something. Did he know? He�s sensitive enough, I can tell. I had a feeling that he must have suspected something.
It turned out that you�d told him what you needed to say, before you asked him to talk to me and encourage me to try living in Bali.
After that, he handed your phone back to you and we chatted for a while. When we hung up, I stared at the screen.
Seconds later, your message came:
�Just friends.�
My heart stopped for a second. Then I replied without blinking:
�Are you okay with that?�
�Yeah. I could tell that he wasn�t interested. Don�t worry, I�ll be alright.�
--- // ---
Here we are. Back in reality as it is.
I know I never have any rights to judge anyone. I�m no God. None of us ever is. After all, I�m still a �kid� in this department people call �love, romance, and all that jazz�. What the hell do I really know? We come from two very different worlds, love. I don�t always understand everything; I can only try. I love you, but you know that I don�t always agree with everything you do.
And I know that I can�t tell you what to do, so I won�t.
You�ve been from guys to guys lately. You�re leaving this country too anyway soon. As sad as I am now, I try not to show it. I hate to upset you so much. All I can do is just be there for you whenever you need me to � and when I�m available. Like any real(istic) friends do.
Of course, I�ll keep an eye on him while you�re away. I know you still care about him and always will. As difficult as this always sounds, sometimes to love means letting go � in hopes that both of you will find the happiness you need and deserve.
In the meantime, we�ll see where life takes us next�
