2012-08-21 - 3:49 p.m.
It's been days since T left this country.:'-( I'm so grateful that God has given us a chance to get to know each other for the past one and a half years, but also sad that he had to leave. He didn't want to. It's a family thing.*shrugs*
I'm going to miss him so much.:'-( My best friend, my big brother. My hero...
I hope we'll see each other again soon. I really, really want to. I'm praying that he'll always be okay - healthy and happy. I hope he'll still have a long life. I want him to.
Please, God.:'-( Please? Amen. Thank You.
I guess I could say that this is the story about the return of one, the departure of another. My life has been quite a roller-coaster ride lately. I mean, I don't even know where to begin.
T shortened his last trip to Bali. It was only for a week. He didn't even go to Lombok. The last time we went to Bali together, he'd reconnected with an old flame from the past. (I know that because I've been the witness.:p I even had to write that down on a separate entry.)
For a while, T had that awfully one-sided sparks on him. Unfortunately, the other dude wasn't that into him - and it had crushed T for some time. I know that too, because I'd been there when he was so broken, so down.
However, the two have made a wise, mature decision to stay friends. Good for them.:) The dude has also become my new friend. T has even asked me to keep an eye on him while he's away and when I move to Bali. I know that because he still cares about that guy and always will.
Honestly, love sucks at times - and I am still the romantically-challenged skeptic.
*deep sigh*
Then T had a short-term fling with another lad while they were in Bali, yet he was also...well, still playing around in Jakarta.-_- At first, he'd planned to spend another couple of weeks in Bali and Lombok - at least before he left this country.
It turned out that things didn't go that exciting anymore there, according to T. He'd decided to shorten his trip into just a week and flown back to Jakarta on Sunday night. It was still fun for him hanging out with some of his friends there. (Some even had asked him about me.)
His heart just wasn't in it anymore. The lad he'd been with while he was there was nice, but...oh, well. I guess like and love don't always mean the same.
I know he's still hung up on that old flame. No doubt about it.
Then T went to Bandung until Monday. Me? I was still helping him sell his stuff, while maintaining my current job. I am the woman of my word, after all.
No teaching schedule for me that Tuesday after T's return from Bandung. I ended up helping him with some of his stuff and paperworks. Those were the days when both of us were trying our best not to cry. Sometimes we succeeded, sometimes we failed. How typical. It was all that jazz.
--- // ---
August 2, Thursday, was T's 35th birthday.:) I left work early (according to my schedule) at 2:30 pm and then went hanging out with him for the rest of the day. We met up in Epicentrum Walk and hugged each other tightly. We ate ice cream and waffles at Brussel Springs. (I wasn't fasting for a week and he's a Catholic.)
I told Ma that it was his birthday, and she texted him her well-wishes. She'd even asked him to address her as 'Mama Wati', not 'Tante' (Auntie, the way most Indonesians do their friends' mothers) or even 'Ibu'(Ma�m.)
(FYI, Ma doesn't do that to all my friends - no even my male friends.)
Of course, that had brought tears to T's eyes that afternoon. I had to hold his hand on the table while fighting back my own in my eyes.
"This is why I can't reply to her message now," T said as he was pointing at his own face."All good things start happening here before I leave."
Makes you want to stay longer, eh? I silently mused. I know you wish you could.
Then we went to his apartment, as usual. Not much we did that night. We were just hanging out in the living room, talking. I was sitting on the couch while watching TV. He was going online with his laptop while packing sporadically.:p I could tell that he was distracted. His mind was in fragments.
Then, the next thing I remember, my head felt a bit dizzy- so I lied down. His voice grew distant and everything around me grew darker...
Yes, I fell asleep - like many times before. He's not an ordinary guy, after all.:p I mean, I know I can fall asleep easily with him around and feel perfectly safe.
Moments later, I felt a gentle touch on the back of my hand. I opened my eyes. He was sitting on the floor and staring at me.
"Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah."I felt my voice heavy from my post-slumber. "Why?"
"You were mumbling something like:'I feel your calm'." Our eyes still locked on each other's. "You seemed so...relaxed."
I am, I wanted to tell him that, but realized that I didn't need to. I reached out for his hand and held it close. Warm. He just let me do that while typing with his other free hand.
It was as if silence itself was already comforting enough.:) No need to exchange words. It was just...perfect.
Will I ever get the chance to experience those beautiful feelings again?
--- // ---
August 4, Saturday, was T's birthday celebration/farewell dinner with close friends at Piscator, Epicentrum Walk, starting at six. (Not at Trattoria, Mega Kuningan, as originally planned.)
I finished work at 5:15. After work, I was putting more make-up on my face that Duma and John thought I was preparing for my Saturday night date.xD Hehe, I know that was rather unusual of me.:p
I'm glad I'd given my birthday gift for T on the D-day.:) I had my voice recorded in a CD, singing five songs for him. (Don't worry, no heavy metal that he hates.*big evil grin*)
All in all, the night went well.:D I got to know more people in T's life while he was in my country. Yulia - his sister's high school friend who later became his as well. Teddy, a handsome Chinese man who obviously had a great fashion taste - and also the first guy who'd taken T out to a gay bar back in Sydney. He was also the one who'd given T the cool checkered shirt that I admire on him.:D
Who else? Hmm, Cher - a fellow teacher and a fun, creative blogger.:D She's lived and worked in Bali for some time as well, so T suggested that I ask her for more advice.:)
Of course, there were also Dewi and Hevi. Hevi came with her new boyfriend, a quiet guy named Feli - if I'm not mistaken. There was a mention of that girl who'd chosen not to come, so I felt rather awkward with them.
*deep sigh*
Other than that, it was a beautiful night - full of beautiful moments.:) I loved the food - sushi and seafood. I loved the chocolate cake T had bought. I knew he was a bit disappointed that he couldn't get the rainbow cake he'd actually preferred.
Too bad, Dewi and Hevi had to leave early.:( Some people gave T birthday gifts that he had to put them in my backpack for a while.
After dinner, some of us walked back to T's apartment to grab more leftovers by T before he was leaving.
'Goddess M' insisted that I share a cab with her and her boyfriend Ken that night, because they were heading to BSD while my family's house was quite close from there. I paid my share of fare and got out of Bintaro. After that, I went home to a different direction...
--- // ---
On Sunday, August 5, I still hung out with T. We went to Plaza Senayan and Senayan City, looking for a pair of football boots for his godson in Venezuela. We had lunch in The Union. Rather expensive, but what the hell. T was right; I needed to pamper myself once in a while. The salmon and mashed potatoes were awesomely delicious.:D So were the bread and the butter. I'd even tasted T's red velvet cake and it was yummy!
We mostly walked, talked, and shared jokes. T asked me if Mom was okay that I stay overnight at his place before going to the airport on Tuesday.
"That's easy."I shrugged nonchalantly. "She's already asked you to call her 'Mama Wati', remember? She rarely does that to all my male friends. You know what that means."
And I made him cry again...:'-(
On the way to the closest bus stop, T looked around and suddenly said:"I wonder if this city will be the same once I leave."
"It won't be the same without you!" I snapped and quickly put my shades on. I felt my tears starting and immediately looked down, picking up my pace. He paced after me.
"Hey,"he called. "What's that for? It's not even sunny anymore here."
Furiously, I snatched my shades off. My cheeks were already wet anyway. He said nothing more, so we walked in silence.
On the bus, things went back to normal. We chatted until it was time for us to part.
"See you tomorrow!" I gave him a light hug and he hugged me back.
"See you tomorrow."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
--- // ---
Monday, August 6, was the very last night I spent with T.
I couldn't concentrate at work. I couldn't wait for my shift to be done. I just wanted to see him as much as possible before he left.
Still, I had to wait until he was back from dinner with friends. I spent about two and a half hours in front of the computer before he finally texted me, telling me he'd got home.
I walked to his apartment that night, like many times before. It just saddened me to realize that it would be the last time I found him there, opening the door for me and welcoming me into his arms and place with that sweet smile on his handsome face. His beautiful hazel eyes always radiated warmth.:'-)
I had to seriously dab my eyes before knocking on his door.
And just like many times before, T welcomed me with open arms and heart.:) That night, I slept on the couch again, after chatting with him for quite a while...
--- // ---
Tuesday, August 7, was the day. I woke up at around seven, finding him standing near me with his I-Phone in his hand. He sat down on a nearby armchair, reading messages on his phone while talking to me. He said it was really hard that people he knows kept sending him farewell words and well-wishes.
I knew it was bound to happen again. T was holding back his tears before he finally gave in. He covered his face, his shoulders shaking.
"Hey."Still half-awake from my post-slumber, I got up and sat next to him. I put my arm around him and rested my head against his shoulder.
"Ssh, it's okay,"I whispered, rubbing his back lightly like I'd done many times before."It's going to be okay."
His head tilted sideways and he pressed his stubbly cheek against the top of my head. We were silent for a moment.
When I felt him relax a bit, I let go. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face, and change into a black T-shirt. Then we had breakfast with the chocolate cake.:)
A lot happened that day. T surprised me with two boxes of...pia legong!:O Aargh!! I remembered that we hadn't got a chance to buy them when we went to Bali together.
I was so happy that I started crying.:'-)
"I'm going to miss you so much!"
"Hey, hey."T hugged me. "I knew you were going to be like this."
We held each other for a moment, then he let go. He sat down and tried the internet connection from his laptop, which wasn't working properly. I sat next to him watching TV. I had to mute the sound when he needed to make some calls.
When he was done phoning, he sat down and I smiled at him. When I asked him what we were doing next, his eyes were brimming.
Oh, no.:( Not again this time.
"What's wrong?" I asked, coming over to sit next to him and - again - started slinging my arm around his neck.
"I still can't take it that she did that to you, accusing you of sticking up to me," he croaked. This time, I gently rubbed the back of his neck. However, I felt myself stiffen with that familiar cold and numbness.
"Not much we can do," I stated flatly. "She made that choice."
"Yeah." T sighed sadly. Then we went downstairs for a while to get some money from the cash machine. However, when we were back, he suddenly gazed at me.
"Do you think I should call her?"
"I don't know." I shrugged. "It's up to you."
To my surprise, he finally made that decision:
"I'm going to be the bigger man here," he made up his mind and started typing a message on his phone. From over his shoulder, I could see a glimpse of that message to her. How he thanked her for all that she'd done form him, despite how things turned out at the end. How he'd always prayed that God was watching over her...
:'-(
I looked at him in amazement. Something warm and heavy weighed down my chest...and in my eyes.
If only people could be as forgiving as you are...
The ringing of his cellphone startled both of us. He looked at it and turned to me, his hazel eyes wide. He mouthed two words:
"It's her."
I drew in a sharp breath. When he finally answered it, I couldn't take it anymore. I quietly made my way past him and into the room that used to be his roommate/landlady Cindy's. (She works in Bali and is in Holland at the moment.) I sat on the edge of the bed, waiting anxiously. I didn't want to listen to their conversation. I didn't even want to know. I wasn't ready.
My heart was pounding. I felt my face flush, but my hands and feet were cold.
Minutes later, I heard his footsteps approaching. Then the door in front of me opened. He walked in and saw me. He came over, the look of surprise and worry was on his face.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked me, extending his hands. I took them and started crying again. I stood up and he enveloped me in his arms.
"I don't know," I wailed, burying my wet face on his hairy chest. He was gently stroking my dark curls. "I'm so sorry, I just don't know what to do. I'm not ready."
"Ssh, it's okay," he assured me softly. I looked up at him and he was smiling back at me - despite the obvious sadness in his eyes."It's okay. We were just talking. She said she was sorry and wanted to come over here."
I blinked. I felt a knot in my stomach.
"Don't worry," he assured me again. "I didn't tell her that you were here; just that you were coming soon. I know how you still feel about her, so I didn't want to put you on the spot. That wouldn't be fair for you."
I nodded and sighed.
T went for a shower and then got dressed. He was wearing his favourite jeans, black shoes, and that shirt from Teddy.:)
He'd asked me earlier whether he should shave or not. I just shrugged and smiled.
"No difference,"I said, and meant it. "With or without your beard, you still look as good."
We went to the closest cybercafe for a while. He needed to do a web-checking and print out his boarding pass.
"She's coming over today," T reminded me again. He looked at me curiously. "Are you sure it's okay for you to meet her too?"
There was hope in his eyes that I didn't have the heart to disappoint him - not on his last day here.
"If you're okay with her, then I am too." I shrugged. I could see relief on his face.
We were walking down the parking lot in the building when that fateful thing happened.
Her motorcycle sped in and skidded to a stop in front of us that we jumped in surprise. From the visor of her helmet, I could see that she was crying. I was wearing my shades and also in tears.
When she saw me, she stretched out her arm. I ran to her without thinking, letting her hug me. I even hugged her back. We were sobbing now.
"I'm sorry," was all I could hear from her - over and over. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I couldn't say a word. I heard T's laughter and a car honk.
"There's a car behind you!"T warned us, so I let her go and ran to him. He took my hand and turned to her. "We'll see you upstairs."
She went to park her motorcycle while T and I were going back to his apartment. I was still crying on the way while T was trying his best to cheer me up. Like a little girl, I followed him while dabbing my eyes.
By the time we were back at the apartment again, I retorted:
"This sucks! We've just got her back and now we have to let you go!"
"Hey, it's going to be okay."
Minutes later, there was a knock on the door. The next thing we all knew, it was one Hallmark moment. T opened the door and she ran straight into his arms, sobbing.:'-( I was crying again too as I watched his arms welcoming her home. It was...almost indescribable. It was like, she'd never left, or that gaping hole re-filled.
It felt like...all was forgiven.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"Ssh, it's okay. It's okay."
"I'm going to miss you so much."
"I know, I know. Me too."
Then she went to hug me again and we both continued crying. Not long this time, because then T interrupted us with a box of tissues. I could tell that he was crying too. It was obvious.
"Come on, girls!" he ordered, half crying and laughing. "It's tissue time!"
After we'd sobered up, he three of us sat down. She was fasting, so I only brought two glasses of water for T and me.
Not much she could explain at that time. Time was critically short. T had to catch a plane soon.
In short, she was finally fired from her last job. The ex-boss was at her, using black magic and stuff. Nany was still the manipulative, backstabbing bitch. Nany even took some of her students away.
"Why?" I couldn't help asking. I could see that T was overwhelmed with his own mixed feelings; too happy that she was back with us again that he couldn't think of a word to say. "Why did you have to do that to us?"
"I had to,"she told us. "I'm sorry, but I had no time. I had to focus on dealing with the boss and that bitch."
"I see." T nodded, but I could tell that he didn't fully understand. There were still questions in his eyes. We'd heard those stories many times before, but this time - we had second thoughts.(???) Should we trust her again this time? Can we just get her back without any of the drama?
Oftentimes, our psychic friend forgets that we don't always understand her 'world'. For me, at least, my gut feeling is telling me to trust her again. However, I'm not ready to share everything with her just yet - not like before. Not after all that's happened. Things have changed. Some things just don't stay the same anymore.
Before he confessed the same feelings to me later on, I'd already sensed that. Somehow I knew.
We didn't have much time. We had to go to the airport that afternoon.
We shared a cab. T made some calls on the way, to some people he didn't get the chance to say goodbye to before he left.
Mostly, we were talking. That felt good for a moment, just like old times.
We got to the airport just in time. Here comes the hardest part. The three of us, facing each other, just like in the movies.
T looked at us in turns. "This is it."
That did it. I burst into tears again under my shades. He hugged me close.
"Hey, don't do that. It's going to be okay," he whispered softly, that gentle voice I'd surely be missing once he was away. I looked up at him and he smiled at me. "You know what to do. Stay focused and don't lose sight, okay?"
I nodded weakly. "Okay."
"One more." He hugged me again. I hugged him back, pressing my cheek against his chest. Sniffing his familiar scent one last time.
"I love you."
"I love you too," he said softly. With his brotherly affection, he squeezed my shoulders a bit. "Stay strong."
Then I watched them hug each other close. She was crying too. She kissed the back of his hand ( a common gesture in my country to show respect and appreciation to people who are older.)
"You'll come back here," she stated, more of a confirmation than a request. "You'll come back here and live in Bali."
T and I just stared at each other with that dawning uneasiness:
She knows.
After that, she dragged me away as we waved him goodbye. He waved back at us and smiled.
That was the day we'd last seen him.
I'll see you when I see you, T. I love you, buddy.:'-)
R.
