2012-05-30 - 8:35 p.m.
I know that I can't blame anyone for these ugly feelings but myself, so I won't.:( I don't know why they keep on coming back. I thought I was always okay being on my own. I mean, I really was. I have been.
Well, most of the time, anyway. I mean, who am I kidding here?:( The ghosts of the past only rest before their next attack on my mental health.
I'm sorry. I can't pretend that it only takes the right trigger to be the stressor. After that, I have no choice but battle the same old stuff. Start all over again. Regain my sanity.
*deep sigh*
Is that so bad? I'm not sure, but I can tell that it's been annoying me so damn much.
Two weeks ago on Saturday, T hadn't been looking good since morning at work. He didn't feel like talking about it, so I waited until his shift was over.
I had finished earlier, so I decided to wait for him at the lounge. However, that didn't last long. I was hungry and I hadn't had proper lunch yet. It was already pretty late as well. Plus, I was attending my brother's rock band Adenium's performance that night, so I needed more strength and energy supply.
Fyi, my brother plays drums.
I went to Pasar Festival, leaving T a message through Whatsapp. I told him that he knew where to find me if he still needed to talk about it. He replied shortly:""Okay."
The waiting was kind of long after lunch, but I didn't care. I saw T's ex M walk past outside the restaurant. I tried to catch up with him but he was too fast. I missed him when he turned the next corner ahead. Oh, well...
What did we talk about when T finally caught up with me?
Quite lots. I asked him why he'd looked kind of down since morning. Only one word could describe it best:
Loneliness...:(
Basically, that was what he'd been feeling lately. Two months after his breakup with M, being away from his family. Understanding that Githa's still in Europe and I'm here, but caught up with work. I try to be there for him as much as possible and he knows that.
Don't we all need someone to talk to? Is there really a soulmate for everyone?:'-(
Then T reminded me not to be late for my brother's performance, because it was already close to six.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" I asked him, hugging him close and feeling more protective of him than ever before. A light kiss landed on my cheek.
"I'll be alright," he assured me before we parted.
How was the gig that night? Adenium played well.:) I'm so proud of my brother and his friends.
I'm still severely haunted by that conversation.:( My FB wall is full of videos of depressive songs. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I'm not always strong and these are the dark days...again.
Githa never has any problems with getting noticed by a lot of guys. Just like my sister, she doesn't even have to try too hard. Good for her.
And T?*sighs* Well, I don't always support what he does - but I don't want to judge him either.
He's playing Casanova with random dudes these days. You know what I mean.*big evil grin* Still, I know that his beautiful hazel eyes look hollow. It's not real love. Of course, he's not emotionally-connected to any of them.
No, I'm not doing that - no matter how lonely I am. I still have my own principles, but I can't help wondering:
What about me?
*deep sigh*
Perhaps the next trip to Bali with T can get rid of these ugly feelings. I hope.
Until next time,
R.
