2012-04-09 - 1:19 p.m.
The older you get, the more confused and clueless you sometimes become. Life is full of twists and turns. We think we know what's coming ahead of us until we see that not everything is always what it seems. Surprise!
To be honest, I don't know where to start. It's been a very, very long time since I last wrote in here. I've been awfully busy. In fact, I've already written another entry before this in my journal book - but it was past due. I need to update more regularly or else I might forget easily.
I need to remember.
My life has been a wild, roller-coaster and carousel ride - all at once. Sounds weird? Maybe it's because I don't know how to describe the situation. I just know that I've finally become one of the main cast in "Big Brother and The Dazzling Divas".:P
*giggles*
Alright, I was making that up.:P It's not a movie or a TV show. I'm referring to T and the girls.
However, it's been ages since I last saw the others. So it's only T and Githa. The single and dateless.:P Nothing pathetic about that, just stating a simple fact.
Yeah, I've been hanging out with the two of them quite a lot lately. We make a unique trio; a gay bachelor, a young widow, and a childlike tomboy.:P
Most of the time, I hang out with T. It's very convenient for both of us. We both work in Kuningan and always see each other at work every Saturday. He lives in Kuningan too.
Yeah, I do that a lot these days - especially since his last break-up with M. Why? I care a lot about T. He's practically like a big brother now. He's all alone in my country, away from his family. He used to have a stable job, but now...he's struggling just to survive. He used to have a boyfriend too.
And I seriously have a bad feeling that he's going to lose another best friend.:(*deep sigh* I don't know why. Maybe it's because of what I've been sensing lately. I can't just ignore the obvious signs. I can't pretend that everything's okay, or always fine. It's not. I'm worried and scared, but there's not much I can do anymore. It can no longer be avoided. It's bound to happen sooner or later, and I've just got to prepare for the worse. Believe me, I can recognize a ticking time bomb when I see one. I've had some myself in the past before.
Githa's flying to Europe this month. Soon. But that's not the reason.
(And I have a really strong, sad feeling that she's not coming back in a very, very long time.)
*deep sigh*
I don't know. You can say it's not worthy that I've gotten myself into this mess, but it's already way too late now. There's no turning back. I'm already in too deep.
Don't get me wrong. I love them both equally, probably a whole lot more than I should. I don't remember the last time I found such friends who understood me well. That felt like worlds away.
The other girls have already noticed this - especially Dewi. (She really is a 'goddess', because she's the most mature one in the group.) She said it was typical between them. Countless fights over mundane, silly stuff.*rolls eyes* I guess that's what happens when two people are way too much alike and spend too much time together. They tend to recognize each other's ugliness, almost a mirror image to each other sometimes, and how much it can cut both ways.
Oh, my dear God.:'-( I hate talking about this, but it's still nagging in my head. All I know is that I hate to see him cry like that. It's killing me so much.:'-( I love him.
And I hate seeing her like that too, all sad, sick, depressed, and...almost unstable.:'-( So freaky, and I couldn't even tell her that. It's killing me too. I love her.
They're both like my older siblings. (Even my own sister and I aren't this close, remember?) I know he cares too much about her sometimes that he mentally suffocates her. However, I also know that he never meant to be so nosy - but she didn't have to be that harsh on him either.
I know she cares about him too, especially since they've been close for so long. I also know that it's hard for her to open up too much, especially with what happened in her past. (Domestic violence, divorce, loss of assets in court...you name it.)
I know she didn't mean to hurt him too. Sometimes people are like that not because they're really bad, but because they've got issues on their own that they unintentionally take it out on others - even the ones they actually care about.
And I thought things were cool again until...I saw her last FB status.:O Good God! He's already past that issue, so why did she still bring it up?:( Thank God she wrote it in our language. T still doesn't understand it that much yet.
If you don't want people - especially those who really care about you - know about your problems, then don't start bringing things up and taking them back when people start asking questions. Especially when you know that you'll only worry them so much when you do it. Just pretend you're always tough. Keep quiet. Isn't that what you want? Bitching about it constantly on your social media account doesn't really help. It only shows your lack of anger management, emotional control, and...ahem, maturity.*sneers* Sorry to say. It's not like I've never been down that road before. I'm not proud of what I did. It's not easy, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.
*deep sigh*
I guess I'm more emotionally affected than I'd like to admit - even to myself.*blushes* I'm still upset.
Her last message to me was a real blow-off. She said she had found a solution to her problems. She thanked me for my attention and concern, and then went on about how I wasn't supposed to blow things out of proportion next time.
....................
Uh, hello?*sneers*
Whatever.*rolls eyes* Sure, you're welcome.*sneers* Btw, who was doing that last time? Me? Him?? No. It was you, but I'm sure you wouldn't take it if we said so.:x He was just making an effort to get all of us together and you were throwing it back to his face. People have noticed that long ago. You complain about feeling all alone, but at the same time acting like you need nobody around to help you. What a contradiction.*rolls eyes* And whose fault is that?
If being a caring friend to you means suffocating you to death, then fine. We'll leave you alone from now on. You know where to find us, but we won't reach out to you first. That's it.
Sometimes diplomacy is required. It can be learned. For example, she could"ve said:"Sorry, I can't hang out with you guys these days. I miss you, but I'm busy. I need to settle some things on my own first, but I'll get back to you soon. Thanks for worrying about me." That's it.
When I suggested that to her, she said that wasn't her style and he'd still be pestering her with questions afterwards. Ugh!!:x
If only she knew he wasn't like that, especially not with me...
Oh, fuck it. There's only so much that we can do for the people we care about...
*deep sigh*
R.
