2009-06-06 - 7:34 p.m.
I woke up late today - with the stinging headache.:( What a bonus. I'd planned to visit Library@Senayan this morning, but it was too late. That place closes at two every Saturday. It never opens on Sunday, unless if there's an event.
*deep sigh*
No choice but to visit there next time. I need some valuable stuff for my FCE teaching. I need to be more serious at work this time. I also need more time to write.
But most of all, I need to escape. How? I don't know yet.*shrugs* I'm not sure about it. I'll just see as I go.
...........................
There was this episode of "Dawson's Creek" that I still remember well. Do you know that scene when Dawson's father Mitch Leery died from a car crash? And then Dawson was holding his baby sister Lily before the funeral. When Jen's grandmother offered to take Lily from his arms - just so he could relax for a while - Dawson simply told her: "Lily's the one to keep me strong."
A couple of days ago, I tried the same tactic with Ganesh. I was even slow-dancing with him in the morning. (Hehe.:P) The timing was also right. He was lying in his bed in his room. Nobody was around, and he'd been having a hiccup. So I carried him in my arms, his face facing the other way around with his head on my shoulder. I gently tapped his back so the hiccup would stop.
When you're holding something so alive and fragile like that, you must never go weak. In fact, you must focus to stay strong, because it's for the sake of the baby's life.
From my family's comments of approval, I guess I'd done it right. That, until my brother suddenly said this: "Don't worry, someday soon - some other guy out there will look at you like that and feel that you're affectionate enough to be his future wife."
Shut up.:( I felt tears starting, and I guess Ganesh felt it too, because he suddenly started to cry. I had to give him back to my sister.
It's a good thing that I don't let this whole shit destroy my focus at work. I know that skipping a day means reducing my salary. I'm paid per hour. Besides, it's good to keep yourself busy. Maybe it's even better this way.
When my sister broke up with G, she'd skipped two days of work to just bawl her eyes out. Mom had been there for her too.
When he left a year ago, I'd cried secretly for three days, but never skipped work. At work, I had to be professional. (Although secretly, I wished corporates here were like those in Japan these days - where they give a sick day off work for the heartbroken employees. Hmm.) But the time I got home, I'd lock myself in my room and cry. Nobody was around to comfort me, they'd been all too busy for my sister's wedding. Only her texts from my cellphone, simply well-written:
"Don't worry. Hopefully your sunshine will return soon."
Honestly, these days, I'm not really sure what to believe in anymore. I'm still in The Twilight Zone and it's just getting worse.
How come he made me wonder all by myself for ONE FREAKING YEAR, before he finally decided to explain something to me? And I just had to hear it from her, not him. He's got my e-mail address, right?? How could he do this to me??? What the hell just have I done wrong to deserve any of this? Was it because I'd been (too) busy and less attentive to him?? He never said a single word about what I'd told him back then at the airport ("I love you"), except: "I know." Nothing more after that, except the fact that he'd become more and more...distant. I thought he might've needed his space to figure things out, so I'd just let him have it. I'm not the pushy kind. If you just want to be friends, then make sure I'm notified A.S.A.P. I don't mind. I can take it. If he'd told me straight to my face last year, maybe I would've been upset at first - but then the pain wouldn't last for a year. I would've been able to kill it right away.
And she??? God, I've trusted her with my own life. Long ago, she'd even told him that I was more like a sister to her. Really???
Either way, they both have successfully made me feel like a total idiot. The worst part is, I (still) love them both.
I know feelings can't be compelled. I've learnt that enough from experience. They can do whatever they like, and I will never get in their way.
...........................
Do I hate them now? No. It's useless anyway. I'm just feeling numb now (and sick from the headache too). I still consider them my friends now, but - sorry to say - I trust them less. I don't think I can ever look at them the same way again.
Okay, the reason I woke up late with a serious headache was because of some sick stalker with the phone number 62-81213919205 - who'd thought it was funny to disturb me with their stupid, pointless missed calls during wee hours. It disturbed my sleep. When I couldn't take it anymore, I texted them:
"Just fuck off, you pathetic psyco!"
And I've taken three painkillers today, but the headache just won't stop.:(
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