2009-06-05 - 8:11 p.m.
"Nanda?"
"Hey, what's up?"
"Not much. I'm still adjusting to my new high school here. How are you?"
"Fine. Same here too. Still singing?"
"Nah, not really. No bands here." And I miss you, because you're not here with me. "What about you? Are you still playing guitar?"
"Yeah, but I haven't joined any band yet."
"Oh, okay." An awkward pause. "Uh, Nanda?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry to say this but...err, I've been hearing scary rumors about you lately."
"Really?" He sounded mighty intrigued. "How scary?"
"They say that...uh, you've been using drugs."
"What??" Silence for a while. "Who said that?"
He didn't sound very angry, but it was still dead awkward.
"Uh, I don't know." Gulp. "Some kids, I guess."
And oh, that warm laughter again - just like good old, rocking times as junior high-school kids.
That's silly. Never pay attention to that, okay?"
"Okay." Deep sigh. A click after goodbye.
It was 1997, the beginning of high-school. It was the last I'd ever heard of him. The first junior high school boy who noticed the singing voice of a heavy girl who'd once believed she'd never have belonged on any centre stage. The real guitar hero who'd brought music, laughter, and joy to this girl's quiet little world - somewhere inside her isolated castle. The little prince charming - sparked with intelligence and fun mischief - every junior high school girl would go for...
Where are you now, btw? You've always been there for me in the past, though you barely revealed the real you within. I still hope and pray that you're okay. Alive, healthy, and happy. Was it real for me or just a crush? Either way, you've meant so much to me - a lot more than you know. You've given me a stage of bliss, though it was only temporary...
---//---
"I'm really sorry."
"Why?"
"I...I've kissed Joza while you were asleep in the other room."
"So?" She'd looked so guilty.
"I know how you still feel about him. We just got carried away after he was being flirtatious with me..."
"It's okay," I gently told her. Amazingly, I could still smile. "You don't have to explain anything to me. He's not even my boyfriend anyway. He never has been, so he's more than entitled to do just whatever he pleases."
"But I'm still sorry."
"No, you shouldn't be. I'm okay. Don't worry about me."
I'd been rational, hadn't I?
It was 2001, the second college semester. We were part of a film club. He'd just been burnt by the girl of his dreams in my class, and we'd also grown apart. I didn't want him to know how badly crushed I'd been when he chose her, but - sadly - I'd still wanted to console him too at that time. I know heartbreak can lead (some) people to some flings. One of my friends happened to be one, because - not long after that - they'd never officially dated or anything.
But for those three years, I'd made sure nobody would've ever seen me cry. Nobody ever really had to anyway. Let those hideous scars belong to no one but me - carved deep in my soul.
Now he's happy - this time with the real girl of his dreams. That's all I need to know - from the pics on his Facebook. He's never had any special feelings for me anyway, and I doubt he ever will. But at least, we'd been pretty close friends for one semester.
---//---
"Pumpkin!"
"Don't cry, sweetie." He hugged me close that Saturday night in his room. "It's okay. I know how you feel. I know it's not easy. But you did the right thing. You've done all you could. You've been a really good friend to him, and I'll be damned if he still doesn't notice how lucky he is to have you around."
"Really?"
"Yeah." He smiled at me as he stroked my messy curls. "And you've been so brave, confessing your real feelings to him like that. You go girl."
"And he happened to be the first guy I've ever confessed my real feelings to," I smiled ruefully. "I know why he still wants to give her another chance. He loves her so much. He's just so very sweet and loyal and everything."
"And you love him too." He rubbed my back gently. "It's going to be okay, girlfriend. You're tough."
"I just don't want her to hurt him like that anymore. He loves her so much."
"I know, I know. And you'll get over him soon if she starts treating him right, won't you?"
"I hope so. I have to."
"You will, girl. Don't worry."
It was 2004, a year after my college graduation. I'd never thought that I could've fallen for someone so far. I couldn't help it. He was so sweet. He still is.
And I still love him in a way, because he's always been my greatest friend. He's always been nothing but honest with me. I'd still seriously die for him, but it's best not to make promises you can't really keep. So, as usual, I'll just do my best and let God do the rest. So far, we're still around for each other - but also respective of our personal spaces.
In the end, only time will tell...
---//---
"Why am I always the last to know?
Tell me why is it always me alone
Still dancing when the party's over?
Why am I always the last to see?"
Some people might think I'm emotionally distant on the outside. I don't (seem to) know how to be more (openly) affectionate. However, I believe I still try my best. I mean, I have. Maybe it's just not enough. Maybe it was never really meant to be in the first place, eventhough you thought he felt the same way too. (Ha-ha, what a joke. He's not that into you, sweetie. Don't be fooled.)
I never ask people to stay with me either. They can always go away. It's not the first time.
And I expect no pity from anyone. Not even from both of them. I'll still live anyway in the end - one way or another.
When's the best time to let someone you love go for good? When he's never said anything about what you'd told him last year at the airport - and fallen for someone else - especially when it happens to be...your own best friend. What happens when she falls for him too, and tells you about it? (Though he hasn't spoken a single word to you about it too himself?) It's been year, and you've just heard her apology. You knew there was something suspicious. How he's grown cold and distant for the past year, just when you thought he'd have at least considered about what you said at the airport back then. How she'd held you when you cried after he'd taken off.
How they've been keeping you in the dark for too long.
What will you do when you see them here?
Interesting question.
How does it feel to be the last to know? Are you an oblivious fool? A true gullible child this bloody mean world is (either secretly or openly) laughing at right now?
You tell yourself that. Lately, you've forgotten to check your back. Too bad it's already bleeding too much. Your 'third-eye' hasn't been working properly. You've missed too much. Being busy can cost you a lot. Guess what? It already has.
The Author
