2009-04-28 - 7:49 p.m.
There are things that still hang in my head these days. I sometimes have to debate myself whether I should write them in here or not. You know, I hate to sound so bloody pathetic. But this is always a good place when no one out there bothers to lend you their ears. Like I've said, you can only be your 100% self when you're all alone.
I'm not always THAT strong, but I guess you can already tell.:( I am not kidding you all. Trust me, I hate that fact too.
Honestly, I still think of that redhead. Who? Nick, of course. I even had a strange dream about him once, while I was sitting next to Dad at 4203. Why strange? Despite my restless sleep, I could still dream.
In my dream, I was exiting 4203 after Dad was asleep. I saw him standing in the hall, staring at me. His smoky-blue eyes softened. His familiar sweet smile was more than I could bear. I wondered how he'd gotten in there, because stroke unit's access is restricted. You need a card for that.
"How's your dad?" he asked softly. I just walked straight into his arms and he simply hugged me close. It was like a year ago in that sunny June, when things had gotten really stressful at home and he'd been there to make me feel better...happier, to be exact. I could even still remember his scent...
Then I woke up at three a.m. Dad was wide awake too. He was staring at me. I stared back at him and sighed. Believe it or not, I ended up telling him one simple, most honest thing I really felt that night:
"Daddy, I miss Nick. I miss him so much. None of you at home seemed to notice that, so I'm telling you this right now."
...........................
:'-(
He didn't reply, though. Of course he still couldn't. It still takes a long time for his speech and physical therapy. I cursed myself for having that dream, and for even burdening him with that. A quiet ward at midnight was all I needed to escape for a while. Escape from where? Home. (And they say home is where the heart is. 'Home sweet home', the way it is permanently carved in your door-mat.:P)
I've actually tried to tell my best friend this last night, but he simply cut me off and told me not to bother so much with that. Well, that's okay.*shrugs* I'd just thought that - of all the people in the world - he was the one who'd understand this more. I mean, I knew he did. And I knew he cared. Maybe he just didn't have the time for that. I can understand that. I can live with that. In fact, I have been.
That's why I need to stay numb for a while. Until when? Only God knows. I don't care. Whatever.
And Hani shouldn't have apologized for being much 'closer' to Nick than he and I used to be. The three of us are good friends. I don't own him. He's not even my boyfriend, remember? I must be sensible about this. Besides, I've been busy lately. I don't get a chance to go online as much as I usually do.
And I know Hani. But, even if they ever end up together, then it's not my business, right? I'd rather see them walk off than staying with me but unhappy.
She said he might be coming over again this summer, and then planning to see Magelang with her. Very well. I'll see what I can do. It would be great if the three of us - maybe four, if Mbak Bina is available too - could go together, like friends do to have fun. No problem.
Besides, she also said that he wanted to explain something to me. What is it about? No idea yet. I'll just have to wait.
And why hasn't he told me that himself?
Well, we're about to find out when he gets here. Soon, I hope - just to make it more clear...and final.
The Author
