2009-01-31 - 8:35 p.m.
Well, obviously - it's the end of January.:P It's pay-day. (Although Gia actually said it already was yesterday.) I've checked my account today and...blah, couldn't help wincing a bit.
It was not as much as it usually is.:( But hey, I still thank God for that. It's just a sign that I must start hunting for an extra, freelance side job.
I also want to experience another job too - not just teaching. I want to be able to write about a lot of things through real, first-hand experiences. (That's my reason too when I first accepted this job.) Local author Ayu Utami took wall-climbing lessons before she wrote about a climber as her main character in her novel.
Then, what about me? I've got lots of ideas here in my head. I'm just trying to find some time for them.:(
I know we all have our problems. That's just what life is: full of never-ending problems. Shanti told me that - surely (not just maybe) - I wasn't too passionate with my writing. (What??) She said that I would've simply given up sleep if I really had been.
Uh, no.:P She can say all she likes, but everyone is different. Soon I'll find my own, ideal quality time for my writing. I know I will.
What it's like, exactly, to be a person who never thinks and feels? They say I think and feel too much. I think too much I end up doing nothing. They say I feel too much I end up getting myself hurt. Too much, too much, too much. That's all I ever hear from them. And God, I am so sick of it!:x It's like accusing me an extremist of some sort without even trying to understand me...even just a little. (Okay, so maybe I'm somewhat an opinionated extremist. Happy now?*deep sigh*)
But we all know it's also dead impossible to never think and feel at all. Those are part of us. Even those who claim themselves 'numb' or even 'heartless'. Numbness is only temporary, almost like a make-believe. In the end, we can't just avoid pain. It's as sure as life and death.
I remember what Dave told CB and me during our best friend Pumpkin's funeral. He said he felt himself growing old and more 'heartless'. Again, he could believe all he liked, but - honestly - I just didn't buy it. I still don't. People who claim themselves that way are usually the ones with greater fear of getting hurt. Don't get me wrong. I've been down that road before, believing that I was more invincible if I didn't use my heart at all.
If Dave were really that heartless, he wouldn't have attended Pumpkin's funeral with us - or asked CB and me to pay one last visit to Pumpkin's room. He wouldn't have hugged the crying CB and Yayee that day.
But hey, he could believe all he wanted about himself. Knowing how stubborn he really is, I'd rather shut up. No need to argue.
Pain is just another sign to remind us about life itself, and that we are only human. But why does it sometimes feel scarier than death?
I'm being surrounded by couples these days - even at home. My parents. (Of course!:P) My sister and G. My brother and Dindi.
Then, what about me?
I'd like some peace and quiet while still enjoying my single status, thank you very much. When it comes, it will come, okay? I know they all think I'm such a freak at this age (twenty-freaking seven!), but I don't treat love like a broken pair of shoes, alright? It's not like, you complain about those old, worn-out shoes you loved so much and they'll simply say: "Buy a new pair." Love is not practical, okay? It's difficult and full of drama, but it's worth the fight if that someone is oh-so-wonderful.
The Author
