2008-05-10 - 8:32 a.m.
Yesterday, they've just returned the contract that I've already signed.:P A good reminder. Starting now, I can't go anywhere else easily for the next two years. I've already given my college diploma away as a collateral. In case I want to quit sometime in the middle, it takes Rp 3,000,000 to bail my diploma out of their data stockroom. Well, if that ever happens (do I really want that to happen or do I really want this job?), they'll only give me three months to collect the three millions.
*gulps*
Most of my family and friends over here have told me the same thing: that they're proud of me and they think I can do it and should give it a shot. If you think that the contract is scary (and that I should've thought it over), then I must tell you that I have no choice. They just didn't give me enough time to think it over, but I guess that's just plain normal.*shrugs*
That's just the rule, okay? Take it or leave it. Nothing's easy in real (adult) life. I must be able to maintain my mood swings from now on. After all, the real world doesn't always care that you're actually falling apart on the inside. There are too many (bigger) problems out there.
I'm silently wondering as I write this:
Is this normal? Is this just my temporary doubt creeping in? Will I be able to do everything right?
Will I still have my enough spare time out of this? I mean, sometimes the title 'part-time job' can mislead you. They've already said that the MINIMUM is ten hours per week. That means, it can be MORE, right?
*deep sigh*
Oh, my God. Why am I feeling this way?
I hope this is just plain tiredness.
All my classmates - the other trainees - wondered just why I was so quiet yesterday. I was just feeling...sort of numb. I don't know why. Please, don't get me wrong. I like hanging out with them. But sometimes, the extroverts just can't understand why I'm not open enough and I need some time alone too. I mean, I can't always go all smiley and cheerful with a loud, exciting voice all the time. Sometimes I just need to...keep quiet and observe. That doesn't mean I don't want people to find out more about me. I still need my own solitude and sanity - that certain stillness inside of me.
That's why I rushed home quickly after the preliminary FCE test - alone. (I also wonder: why are most Indonesians always so nosy when it comes to working on such tests? I mean, I know it was difficult, but did they had to vocalize it? It was hard to concentrate while they were groaning and moaning like that!)
Today, I just want to relax.
The Author
