2005-02-02 - 10:10 p.m.
Oftentimes, I seriously wonder if my life is really that 'interesting' to talk about, because --- whenever I come online to update an entry --- I often have a lot to write in. There are stories to tell, whether it's just about me or anything going on around me. Am I really that boring, or am I just thinking --- and feeling --- way too much about a lot of things? Do I need to get a real life instead of just sitting and typing here more and more often? Do I need to be ignorant just once in a while, so I won't have to keep writing about everything?
*deep sigh* I don't know.:| I can't answer those questions I silently ask myself from time to time, so...*shrugs*
Last Tuesday night, all of our extended family gathered at Aunt Ria's place in Buncit, Mampang Prapatan, South Jakarta. Uncle Asoka, Aunt Ria, and Aunt Yanti are going to have their umroh rituals in Arab (and they're flying away today), so we gathered for a small feast to wish them well. The food was awesome!:D Rice, fried noodles, Sundanese tofu, sayur asam (acidly tasty vegetables), chicken with rojak spices, and Mom's fettuccine. I even managed to snag a few candy and chocolate bars from their fridge (naughty me!*giggles*) I also borrowed their PC to go online for a while, checking mails and blogs. Since Emir already logged on to YouTube, I just played my favourite video "Digging The Grave" by.Faith No More from there.
I've wanted to borrow more books from Emir and Uncle Asoka, but I guess that can wait. I still haven't finished reading another borrowed from Hani. It's called "Tarian Dari Langit" (Dances From The Sky) --- an anthology of short stories by local authors with the same theme: a tribute to all tsunami victims in Aceh and Nias Island back in December 26, 2004.:( Sad stories, but at least they help me to remember how lucky I still am --- despite...umm, my reality.
And besides, I want to write more than reading these days. Writing helps me keep my sanity. It's my therapy.
Wednesday morning was another catering order. It was also the very last day to freely open my mouth to complain about my own personal Twilight Zone at home, to any family member around.:( Menti was right. It's no use. Keeping quiet is the only way. These days, you can't trust anyone with your deep, dark secrets --- even your own family. They don't always understand you. Even worse, sometimes they just won't even bother. They prefer listening (and trusting) an outsider. They give me no choice. They make me do the same thing they all do now. I learn from the best.
From now on, that's what I'll be doing. It's just me, my diary, and a few people that I trust who really (want to) understand me. And God too, of course.:P
But Menti was dead wrong about me not being empathic enough. I know about her problems with debt collectors, but if she wanted me to just shut the fuck up and stop bitching about my jobless life these days, then why the hell didn't she just say so? I mean, I'm more than well-aware that we all have our own problems. This is just life. But, why do I get the impression that I'm never allowed to vent openly and my problems aren't that serious? Why do get the impression that I'm such a selfish brat by doing so? Why is it always about other people? What about me?! Okay, fine. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit here. If I weren't that empathic, then I wouldn't feel easily touched by those who suffer more than I do. I'd be cold and emotionally dead from the inside.
Care to tell the difference here?
But, do you know what? Maybe empathy is no longer enough. Maybe it just doesn't matter anymore. Without real action, it's only useless pity. Pathetic!*rolls eyes*
If complaining about my life (like most other normal people do) can only mean getting myself easily accused as being less empathic, then fine. I'll say no more. I'll just pretend D.G. is not controlling my entire family and my dearest sister isn't The Princess Brat Mom considers as her darling daughter. (I mean, she can complain about a lot of little things in her life and still gets away with it!) Hell, I can do that! I've used my plastic smile more often these days. I mean, why not? No problem.*shrugs* Besides, it's clearly what they all need and expect from me. Unconditional understanding and acceptance.(Yeah, right.*rolls eyes*)
In other words, if next time someone asks me if I'm actually okay, I'll just shrug and simply say yes, although my fake smile actually wants to say: "No, but for you...I can pretend."*big evil grin* No, seriously.
And when it's my right time to leave my parents' house as The Princess Brat and D.G. get married and move in, I'll make sure I already have a stable job and enough money for all of that. No, I'm not that stupid and too emotional. I've already considered this long ago, even before D.G. stepped in and entered the picture. This is not only because of them, but more about me. This is not just what I really want, but also what I truly need. A key to my true freedom, independence, and...sanity.
And I can't make them all understand me, so I won't even bother. Explaining things will only waste my time.
I'm thinking about shooting the rest of SPICE!'s new editorial staff with a revolver now, because they haven't paid me for my published short story yet as promised.:| How unprofessional is that?
The Author
