2007-10-06 - 9:23 p.m.
Yesterday, I was still having the damn flu, but not as worse. Knowing my sister's old elementary and middle school friends would've definitely come to the restaurant at night for their gala reunion, Mom had suggested that I take a short nap to save some strength for the night --- in case things might have gotten slightly chaotic and out of control like the last time my sister's high school friends came over.:P
So I did. Actually, I've never liked napping since I was a kid.:P I don't know why. I only do it under some circumstances, like; illness and having to stay up late at night. (Well, sometimes my insomnia can cause more trouble too, so napping helps a little.:|)
But unfortunately, my nap was disturbed by the same old, familiar nightmare. (Or should I just call it a 'scary dream', since I was actually sleeping in the daytime?:P Man, English can be confusing sometimes!*giggles*) I dreamt of losing my teeth...again.:( Six of them, I'd counted in my dream, from the lower jaw --- each three started from both my wisdom teeth. And the blood...*shudders* Eww!:(
And I was jolted awake because of that.:| Two hours of restless sleep. But hey, I guess it was still better than nothing.*shrugs*
Mom's always claimed that it's caused by too many horror movies I've already watched.:P Hmm, maybe. I don't know. Tiger's even thought that it might've been the symbol of my inner fear of losing something...or someone important to me.:|
*deep sigh*
Anyway, I was thankful enough that the reunion at the restaurant had gone smooth and rather peaceful last night.:) Only twenty people who came. Maybe, it was also the fact that I've known these people much better than those in her high-school. And they are more than just knowing me too, but also...respecting me more. I know that --- in their eyes --- I'll always be just their popular friend's freaky-but-still-okay kid sister.:P That's all. I don't expect too much from them too, so that's okay with me.*shrugs* But, what I'm trying to say is that --- well, at least most of them did take a little time to really smile and be nice with me too, instead of just calling to me: "Hey, is your sister around now?"
I know, I'm sounding a little bitter and insecure about this all over again.:(*sighs* God, I'm not even really sure of what I'm actually talking about right now. I mean, it's not that my sister's high-school friends are downright mean or anything else like that. No, they're not! They're okay, really. I mean, I can totally understand that public high-schools have more students than private ones here in my city. Not many people really know each other.*shrugs*
Many people always admire my sister for her lifetime, natural (and rather effortless) popularity and also her ability to maintain contacts with all of her social circles --- anytime, anywhere. I'm not being sarcastic nor jealous about it, just stating the obvious fact. That's just how she is and always has been. That's okay. I think that's just both her life and luck.
I'm just...*sighs* I don't know, tired of this self-negativity caused by how they also often compare her with me.:( That usually makes insecurity come crawling back at me, haunting me like the awful past that refuses to let go of me and let me freely move forward. I still remember hurtful memories. Like the time Dad had always openly called me a little freak that nobody else would've ever understood, and nobody had even bothered to stand up for me so I started believing that I was.:( Lucky for her, though, she was never called that way. Or those who used to say lots of offending stuff like: "Why aren't you like your sister?" (An awfully dumb question, I know, because everybody's different!*rolls eyes*) I even can't forget another stupid remark from my old middle school P.E.teacher Mr.Nova:
"You're so different from your sister. Say, how does it feel to be so fat?"
.........................
:x
And until now, he still doesn't know that I silently begrudge him of that. I'd told my sister and her girlfriends, and Fathi --- the now-slim beauty who used to be chubby like I was once --- suggested that I should've told him that he'd had a pig-looking face.*big evil grin* Also, thank God that I'd had a group of quiet but supportive friends --- including this sweet beauty Neda (if you've ever met her, I'm sure you'll agree with me that she's a dead-ringer of that internationally well-known Indonesian singer Anggun in Europe :P) who'd glared hard at those silly kids secretly laughing at me and mocking me behind my back, only because they thought I'd looked like a perfect candidate for a bullying target.*rolls eyes*
I guess that's why I've become like this. But hey, come to think of it, you can't expect other people to always make you feel happy. It must start from you. Right?
Right??
But for now, I must deal with my stupid, left-side of back pain first since last night.:( Gone is the flu, but now...this.:x It makes me feel more like 52 instead of 25 --- and that just sucks big time!
Ouch!
The Author
