2006-04-01 - 8:33 p.m.
Will I be pulling some stupid pranks on people today?:P Hmm, I'm not in the mood.*big evil grin* I'm also not expecting to have some on me. My life is already a joke anyway. Ha-ha. I'm not popular nor successful yet, but at least I still have my ambitions.
*sarcastic laughter*
Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* Just having ambitions isn't really enough these days. Trying all you can and (even) giving all you've got also ain't enough. That's what happens when you're living in my hometown. You have to know the 'right' people. You have to get along with those who have more power, more money, and higher influence --- because, if they happen to like you, they can help you get what you want. You'll be lucky. You'll reach and gain more success and power, and in the end --- you'll be just like them. You're one of them.
But then, will you be proud of yourself? Your success happen to come from powerful, rich people's hands --- not from your own. Eventhough they don't mind being the temporary stepping-stones for your success with generosity (or eventhough they're helping you out for a while, so later they can claim you as one of their 'creations' in hope you'll be more than 'just grateful' for them), what about your idealism? What about your own, life principles? What about your true spirit? Will you have to give them all away? Will you want to give them up --- important parts that show who you really are underneath --- and just choose to follow the so-called regular system and bureaucracy? Will you choose to play on the safe side and stay in your comfort zone, passing the tiny, slim chance of one day you might possibly be successful on your own and able to tell the whole world proudly: "Look, I started this by myself"?
Oh, okay. I forgot these days, "there's nothing really new under the sun" anymore.:| I get it. I am wanting the impossible, huh?
Most people here will possibly think I'm being unrealistic. This is Jakarta, they always say with that familiar heavy sarcasm throughout the years. You can't easily do that. If you're not careful, you'll get dead easily.
I guess that's why those who choose to accept help from 'those' people and compromise with their true idealism being altered, tend to keep quiet about how they get their great jobs. I mean, I sometimes bump into old friends one day and they ask me about my job. When I tell them about it and the restaurant, they'll ask curiously who owns it. And when I reluctantly say it belongs to my family, they'll gradually realise and get this look that obviously says, "Oh, no wonder."
See? See what I mean? They think I'm a nobody, just staying safe under my family's wings. Mine still don't grow properly.:( Don't they see how hard I've been trying to find another job with better salary, so I get to help my family more?!
And if they think I make much here, they're not seeing the big picture.*rolls eyes*
Do I have to give up my idealism for money, so I can support my family more? Should I start asking 'help' from those who know the 'right' people --- or the 'right' people themselves? (Uh, that if I really know them.:P) I don't want to beg, because --- eventhough there's actually an association for pandhandlers, hobos, and street-musicians here (and I am not kidding), I don't even want to be that desperate. No way!
I just want to be somebody. I need to be a real somebody. I have to be.:( And I don't want this job to be a dead-end to me.:'-(
The Blind Idealist??
