2011-04-17 - 9:52 p.m.
"If I don't tell you now, I may never get the chance again..."
A few days after 59th birthday, Mom told me about this:
It was two years ago, a few months before her 57th birthday. Out of the blue, Dad suddenly wished her a happy birthday. That had felt strange to Mom, knowing that it was actually still October 10.
"My birthday is on April 4," she reminded him.
"Oh." He'd looked confused. "Not...October 10?"
10/4.4/10.
Get it?
By the time her actual birthday came, he didn't wish her. He couldn't. The stroke had hit him first in March. He hasn't been able to speak ever since.
Somehow, Mom had a feeling that he might have had an early hunch that his time were up anytime soon.
What would you do if you had that strong feeling too? That your time might be running up while you felt like you still had a lot to say to the people you love the most? What if you never got that chance again, alive or...else?
I know it's a scary thought. We know we can't deny the fact that the clock is ticking. What are we doing here? What haven't we done yet?
Some people may think that some things are better left unsaid. The whole world is already too noisy. Sometimes it's hard to just say what you badly mean to. It's not just about Dad wishing Mom a happy birthday before he lost his voice. Sometimes, you're just unsure about a lot of things. Like, you're bad with words - even when you're a writer. (My irony.) You either write better than talk or the other way around. You've already got all the good, proper lines formed in your head - yet they still come out wrong in the end. You end up hurting people when you know you didn't want to.
Or no words ever come out. That happens too. Emotions do that to even the best speakers in the world, I believe.
Still, you're lucky if you've never encountered with that problem. God blesses you with that.:) You're lucky if you're always confident in whatever you say, and that people take you seriously.
Sometimes you're scared of their reaction, because - no matter how long you've known each other and how nice that person really is - you still never know. Even the nicest ones can lose patience and say, "No, I don't want to hear any of that." That shuts you up instantly. People can say being overly sensitive is never good, but when does 'too much' actually mean too much? When is the right time to be heard? Is it too much to ask, or some people will never be understood and left completely in silence?
I've kept quiet too long, too often. Yet I have also talked too much, but still feel like I haven't said enough. Have I ever done anything right?
I don't know. It's like, the older you get, the more clueless you become. You don't always find the answer, no matter how hard you try.
There are many things I want to let them know. Like, I'm sorry if I've always let you down. I'm sorry that I've forgotten how to make you smile more often, or even lost the ability to it. I never meant to hurt you, I was just angry and lost my way. I may have gotten angry and disappointed in the past and never let you know. People can either forgive me and give second chances in a trust - or treat me as if I'm already dead to them for the rest of their lives. People can either love me or hate me. It's out of my hands.
But once they do mean a lot to me, most of them always will. That's just how it is.
What about love? I normally don't tell people I love them, unless when they feel down or it's my annoying fear that I might lose them anytime soon. But, after what has happened, I think it's best that I kept quiet from now on - no matter how painful it might be.
Why?
To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. I don't know if I ever want to risk my heart again. I don't want to be thought of as 'weird', just because I'm being me. I know I sound like a sad quitter, but I don't think I can deal with any of that now. You can call me a coward and I don't care.
I'm afraid that if I tell someone that I love him, all he ever says is: "I know" and then he leaves. That's it.
No, I don't think so. Maybe love's not always for everybody. That's just life, isn't that?
So far, I am still alone and okay with it. So what?
The Author/SBF/QB
