2010-09-07 - 11:46 a.m.
Although I've been afraid of trusting myself to feel (too much) these days, I find myself still trying to stay human despite everything. (Confused? I know. So am I.:|) How? I often avoid emotional friction at home. They've all made it clear that they don't need any of that - one way or another. It only disrupts everything. The Picture-Perfect Twilight Zone.
What an irony. It's amazing that I can still take it, although not always quietly. I mean, I no longer show them the real me inside. So far, I can still manage.
Tick, tock, tick, tock. Once again, another time bomb has been automatically set up. When will it explode? I don't know. It's only a matter of time.
Still, I hope it'll never have to. I just have to find a way to deactivate it, or at least put a long delay to it. I know it can hurt people if I let it detonate. I don't want that to happen. Ever.
Friends are great, but I know I can't rely on them forever. Soon they will have to go too. They have other needs that don't always include you. I mean, nobody wants to hang around overly-depressed people that much.*sneers* Come on, who are we trying to kid here? If you're normal, you'll stay the hell away from people like that.
'Normal'. Ha-ha, what a joke!
At least I can still thank God for the short holiday before Eid.:) I can do a lot of stuff quietly in the process. One thing at a time. First things first. Before Ganesh's baby sibling is born, I'll have to have something permanent to do in the morning. A stable job for some extra money to help me moving out.
God, I hope I don't sound too pathetic here. (But even if I do, so fucking what? This is the only place where I can fully be myself - regardless what you all readers think of me.*big evil grin* Hehe, no offense, though.:P Thanks for reading still, that if you're still around.)
I know I must seriously do something with myself fast, before everything else completely eats me from the inside. Nobody else will ever do that for me. Like it or not, I'm all alone here. Come to think of it, I've mostly been.
(Come on, Ms.Independent! Snap out of it!)
Cry? Hell, that's not even an option here! Besides, there are other people out there in the world with much, much bigger problems. I must never, ever forget that. (Tiger, Jaajie, how's Pakistan lately?:( )
"I'm afraid to cry," I once told a friend, who was genuinely surprised.
"Really? Why?"
"I'm afraid it's going to be hard for me to stop and I hate that."
"Maybe it's part of long, overdue, pent-up emotions that cause that."
Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I have to keep myself busy. Pondering alone too long can be dangerous for me. My mind might slip and bad thoughts could possibly break in anytime.
However, sometimes I just let it go when I'm too tired. I have to or I'll go crazy too. They can't possibly expect me to be strong all the time and pretend nothing is wrong. I mean, I can still be happy too, but doesn't it feel strange if you have to work hard at it?
Well, I must do that quietly, though. The scary thing is, I sometimes need a trigger to unlock it. Sappy love songs. Sad movies. Current tragic news. Anything that reminds me that being human is also being frail and it's okay.
Alright, I'll stop asking whether I'm normal or else.*sneers* It's not like it should matter anyway.:P
Once I completely lost myself on a ride home from work with an 'ojek' biker one chilly night. (Ojek: a motorcyclist who can take you to your destination for amount of money.) On a speeding motorcycle, I let my mind wander and bad thoughts started bugging me. (One of them is usually related to 'love', because - unlike most people who normally associate it with 'bliss' - 'love' makes me think of the same old hell called 'rejection, mockery, and solitude' all at once.) I let my tears escape freely, but quickly wiped them away once we reached my destination.
After receiving the fare, the ojek biker looked at me and frowned.
"You okay, Ma'am?"
"Yeah." I managed a small smile. "Just some stupid dust in my eyes. It'll go away."
Sooner or later, it always will. It has to.
The Author
