2007-07-21 - 7:18 p.m.
Alright, where do I begin?:| I know, you might wonder about the title of this entry. I just I wish I could really describe what I've been feeling lately...in the most accurate way.
Fine, let's start from last Tuesday night at seven. It was my visit to "Wall Street Institute" at Ratu Plaza, South Jakarta, for a free English test. Patrick had told me about a fellow teacher named Andrew there. Before the test, I'd finally spotted him, just because two ladies at the receptionist's desk were gossiping and giggling about him. (Coquettish!*rolls eyes* Or maybe --- once again --- I'm just a tomboy who doesn't really do all of that.:P) Okay, so Andrew is tall, blond (or was it brunet, since I didn't pay enough attention to his crew-cut hair?), and good-looking (although tad serious too, he seemed.) Big deal. But when the ladies mentioned his name with such obvious excitement, Patrick's story suddenly came to mind.
"Is that Andrew?" Honestly, I'd truly enjoyed their startled expression.*big evil grin* I bet they'd never thought that a scruffy-looking girl (unruly wavy hair, no make-up, yellow tee, black jeans, and old yellow sneakers) like me could've ever known a clean-cut, handsome fellow like Andrew.
"How do you know him? Have you been here before?" They both grinned and I'd grinned back. When I told them about Patrick, they were even more surprised and amazed. "That blue-eyed cutie? Really? You're Patrick's friend? Does that mean we can be his friends too?"
Oh, give me a break.*rolls eyes* Okay, so Patrick is seriously cute, I must admit. But I only think of him as a great pal.:) Enough said.
"Umm, Patrick has lots of friends." I just shrugged with casual modesty. "I just happen to be one."
Then a male staff named Mr.Oni led me for a short tour around the place, an interview, and a free placement test at their laboratorium --- as promised.:D The place looks like an earthly paradise to me. I'd even met my old high-school friend Selina. She proudly showed me the social club in the cafeteria. She said she'd be looking forward to seeing me around there. Knowing my writing hobby, Selina also told me about some of the teachers who loved poetry and fiction-writing. She said she was sure I'd love the place and get along.
If only she'd known...:'-(
How was the test? Well, believe it or not, I've scored about 500 for a TOEFL-standard --- a.k.a.Threshold 1.:) They said I was very good. Three more levels and I'd have reached what they call 'Milestone' (advanced business English) and then 'Mastery' (considered the same level as the native speakers themselves). More practice and studying can help me achieve better. Simple. The great thing about that place is that you can come anytime and as much as you like in every week. That place looks like a promising sanctuary.
But I crashed fast and hard back down on earth when I checked the price.:( Ouch! I guess no earthly-paradise is cheap or even free. So here's to reality.
*deep sigh*
I had to return with the score result...and another empty dream.:| When I finally stepped back on Blok M's bus station, I felt even worse. Here I go again, back in the slum. Just an ordinary girl sitting behind the counter at work, wearing her old sneakers and knowing only how to fake both American and British accents in her English.:P Other than that? No, nothing special. Besides, nobody ever really sees me that way. Just who the hell am I still kidding here? At home, The Princess Brat always wins most of the attention --- no matter what she does. I believe I have friends, 'though I don't always rely on them as much as they count on me. Why? I don't know. I'm not really sure anymore if I'm trying to remain independent or just secretly insecure. Love?*scoffs* Ha! Those great guys --- they've all said I've always been their best, most loyal friend anyone can ever have. Thank you very much, though. I really appreciate that.;) But they just don't fall for me. They even choose to chase after girls who keep treating them like crap. Why? It's just all so simple. Girls like me are (mostly considered) way too boring.*rolls eyes* What else?
You know, there's a good friend of mine (who might possibly be reading this too :P) who won't agree with me saying this. But the truth is, I'm only being a real bitch myself whenever I'm: a) angry, b) insecure, and c) a dangerous combination of both.*big evil grin*
And believe me, I am so not kidding with you here, people. I am just a mere mortal anyway, not a holy saint, remember?
Anyway, when I returned to Panglima Polim (The Restaurant), only Mom asked me about the score result. (How kind.:D) I showed that to her and she'd complimented me. But sadly, Dad wouldn't even bother.:(
Am I wrong to want to achieve better goals and upgrade myself even more? Are my dreams too fucking expensive these days?
Well, fast forward to Friday night at 7:45. Knowing Patrick and Seth would be flying back home to Tennesse, USA (which they already have!:'-( ), I'd decided to call his cellphone. (Seth didn't own any while he was in Jakarta, though.) Since only Patrick who'll return on September, I'd wanted to hear Seth's calm, soothing voice one last time. However, Patrick told me that Seth was still upstairs in Sarinah Building, checking out some souvenirs to buy and take home. (I'd suspected that they might've possibly hung out at the same Starbucks there, like the very last time Kristin Helsley was still around.) Finally, I just wished them both a safe journey home and hung up.:(
I'm going to miss you loads, Seth Saffel.:( It really has been fun hanging out with you...
*deep sigh*
Yesterday morning too, something really weird happened.:| I went online at six, and Tiger was surprisingly there too --- along with her.:( Yup, I am talking about The Ex-Girlfriend. No, I am not really jealous. For real. He can talk to anybody else he likes. I don't care. But I'm just worried, regarding how they always fight when they talk these days and how much pain she's caused him. And I'm also upset. hy? In his last e-mail, he'd said he'd have missed me and we should talk soonest --- either online or on the phone. Knowing Tiger, when he and I are online and I don't say hi first, he usually teases me with: "Don't wanna talk to me now?:P"
So I sent my hi first, and...guess what? He didn't reply --- at all.:x I was online for thirty minutes because I was also talking to another good friend of mine.
:'-(...
Then it was as if the grey sky morning crying for me too. I logged off and went outside the cybercafe to meet the rain. Rain in July. Imagine that. I marched on soaking wet, not even caring to mind my own surroundings as I crossed the street --- like some sappy character in a cheesy drama.*rolls eyes* No, really. At that time, I didn't even give a shit if there'd be a speedy vehicle possibly running me down. Well, it's not that I was being suicidal, though. Thank God I still have my senses, although...it still hurts like my own usual private hell within.:'-(
I'd grown mostly quiet through the day. My family wondered why, I know, but I wasn't in the mood to explain anything. And I guess I never will. I know they'll never really understand. They'll just find me ridiculous as usual.:|
Last night, I'd checked online --- in case he'd have caught me and left an offline like he usually would. None.
So, Tiger would rather talk to her. Fine. Whatever. Was that a bad sign? Was he slowly blowing me off and pushing me away out of his life, eventhough he'd already promised me he never would and --- he still has my Tigger over there? I can still sense that he silently wishes that I'll just get over him and move on, but hey --- aren't we still pals? He could've said he was sorry he couldn't talk to me at the moment if that was what had happened. He knew I'd always understand (eventhough he just really wanted to talk --- or fight or whatever --- to her.*rolls eyes*)
Am I just making a big deal out of all of this?
Either way, I'm afraid I'll have to prepare for the worst possibilities again. Right??
The Bitter and Bitchy Author
