2006-07-08 - 8:21 p.m.
My parents are attending a wedding reception this evening. They said I could go too with them, but I just don't feel like going. I'm just having a little headache again right now, and I don't even know why. Plus, it's Saturday night again, and the only thing that can quite cheer me up is the rock frequency on the radio --- all day and night.:) Oh, and a scoop of chocolate ice cream too. Right now, screw diet. I just want to have fun with me, myself, and I.:P Of course, others are always welcomed to join.
I feel a little disturbed that my favourite local radio station 95.1 Kis FM is only opening up their reporting job for guys. But...oh, what the hell. I'll give it a shot anyway, eventhough I might not stand a chance. Sorry, I'm just desperate for more challenging jobs and money. Stagnation isn't my middle name.:|
And SPICE! is also opening a trainee program for college students only.:( Since I can no longer check out the regular job-ads in KOMPAS, online sites are my only sources. It's kind of hard when you have an older sibling who's (considered) more successful than you.:( People tend to compare me with my sister the star, and I often rebel by showing them that : "Okay, fine. She's everything that I am not, but I'll be successful too someday soon, although in a different way than the path she's taken. You just shut up and watch me."
Damn bitterness.:( Damn insecurity. Damn envy.
Damn my temper.
Speaking of weddings, I must confess that I'm actually...rather sarcastic about it.:P You might find me surprising, because it's usually guys who tend to have phobia for a commitment. My sister? She's just like most girls who have dreams about their own weddings. She's always getting what she wants, even since she was a kid. (Do you think I'm just an insecure little sister? It's not her fault that she's been luckier most of the time, but I still hate her stupid groupies.*rolls eyes*) She has a cool job and a nice boyfriend and her constant popularity. She badly wants to get married before she turns over thirty.
That's fine with me.*shrugs* I don't even mind if my brother gets married first before me. It's just, everytime I attend a wedding reception, I don't just watch the blissful couple --- but I concentrate more on the buffet (just kidding!*big evil grin*) No, seriously.*giggles* I know most people --- especially women like mothers and girls --- would usually look at the couple and just go, "Oooh!" and "Aaah!" and "They look so happy!"
They all do that, while I'm observing from a careful distance with genuine wonder, "Is it really...safe?"
I know, you might think I'm not making much sense.:P But I also know that "happily ever-after" is just an unfinished tale. There's a whole lot more to it than that.
*deep sigh* Oh, my dearest God.:( Maybe it's true, love is just an illusion after all. Maybe it's more like the endorphin from your favourite, sugar-coated chocolate cake. The effect does not always last that long.
Damn.:( What the hell am I thinking? Am I just being a love-cynic all over again? Come to think of it, I'm afraid I'm just getting so good at it.*big evil grin*
Well, it's not that I don't think about weddings at all. I'm not a hypocrite.:P One night I chatted with Tiger, sharing our dreams about the future. I remember half-jokingly suggesting him to name his future daughter after me if he has one. He'd chuckled and said, "I'll have to ask her about it." Then he teased me, "What if I have a son?"
"Well, what do you want to name him then?"
"I wish to name him...Daniel."
Daniel.:) Just like River's middle name. What a coincidence. Perhaps I can be an aunt who'll call him "Danny Boy" (like the song), "Danny" or just plain Dan.
Then Tiger asked me the similar question about my future plan to name my future kids. My answer had been simple. If it's a girl, I want to name her Adia. Why? I've somehow gotten personally attached to my favourite Sarah McLachlan's song (I'm sure you can already guess the title if you know her.*grins*) But if it's a boy, I want to name him Joza or...or Tiger's real name.:) Why? They both have unique names.
Actually, I can see myself in two completely different situations. I dream of both sometimes. First, my dream as a married woman.:) I see myself staying together with a man who wears the same ring as I do in that dream. (Too bad I still can't see his face clearly yet.:|) I see two kids --- a boy and a girl --- call me, "Mommy!" I see myself smile.:)
The other dream, me as a single.:) I see myself traveling around the world, meeting people. I see my own, luxurious apartment. I see myself just hanging out with friends and doing fun stuff most singles do. I see myself smile too.:)
I'm split between these two fantasies. It's "Desperate Housewives" or...no, I can't name the opposite specifically, because I don't even like "Sex and The City". *cringes* I want to get married for ME, not just because Mom or the society insists me to. But is being single in mid-twenties a sin?:( You see, stuff like these require careful planning.
I just want to be happy in any kind of situations, with or without someone. I want to stay the real me, whatever happens in the end.
Or maybe, I'm just the queen of wishful thinking...
The Queen of Wishful Thinking
