2006-07-07 - 7:44 p.m.
I had nothing to say last night, so I decided to post one of my poems from RYW.:) I wrote that sometime ago, and it's helped me get through my tough times pretty much. I mean, I can't be such a spoiled, whining brat about my problems, right?
Anyway, now I'm still stuck with what to write. Which will I start first after the flash fiction? I have to short story contests I'm planning to enter before August and an unfinished novel. First things first, I know.
I'm also still praying for the better. I haven't heard anything about The Stupid Draft (RUU APP) until now. June's already passed. Does that mean it's a good sign?:) I hope it's never going to be legalized...at all. My country needs peace and tolerance, not those blind fanatics who act like holy saints and think they can standardize people's morals.*rolls eyes*
I felt bad with Tiger's girlfriend last night.:| She IM-ed me, but then something was wrong with the PC I was using and I just couldn't read her message. I tried to re-login and there was an internal error. Great.*rolls eyes*
So I just logged off and got out. Damn.:(
I haven't replied River's e-mail yet.*blushes* It's good to talk to him again, but I have lots and lots to tell him. That's the thing, I'm not sure exactly where to start.*giggles* That happens when you haven't talked to your old pals in ages!:D
He's planning to return to Japan (to his family, of course) for a year. I hope I'll still get to contact him online. I've missed him so, eventhough I've never really admitted it.:P He's more like a big brother I never really had at home, because he's been around since I was still in college. He was there when I'd gotten my heart broken over Joza. I'd been there for him too.:)
Looking back, I wonder just how painfully obvious the whole thing is. I've never had any special feelings for River, but...yes, he's my best friend. We're close too, but more like independent souls about each other. He's almost like my other pals Tio and Luki here. He's a strong idealist like Tio and has sense of humour like Luki does. We're like two people who meet, greet, and bid farewell without having to feel too sad about it --- knowing we'll never forget and really leave each other. Our friendship's been so strong without romantic sparks...at all.:)
I hope he'll find happiness too, even after the break-up. I'm glad he can even stay friends with his ex. Not many people can ever really do that, I think.
I could look back and wonder about my feelings for Tiger and TB. But no, I won't. I'll never regret what's true, no matter what happens or what they say.
*deep sigh*Tiger and his girlfriend? God, I hope her stubborn father will soften up and just let the two of them be together. I've had enough of sarcastic questions directed at me: "What are you trying to prove? That you're a saint for letting someone you ever love just love another?" No, I swear in the name of my God to you, it's nothing like that. True, there's a part of me that'll always love him, and I won't ever change that fact or even regret it. Besides, nobody ever has a right to possess anybody. Two people are together because they want to be. I love him, but he loves her and (thank God) she loves him too. It's just that simple.*shrugs* I want Tiger to be happy, that's all.
I've been such a mean bitch to TB.:'-( I don't have to tell you the long story, but it was mostly my stupidity. I hate myself when I'm angry, because I tend to hurt other people badly. I say cruel things I don't really mean, and I always regret it after that.
I never regret meeting TB. He's a sweetheart. I was just angry and I regret my big mouth.:( I never regret loving him either, because I still do and that's just the truth. I was only offended when he assumed I couldn't really tell the difference between loving someone and just caring for someone, but...you know what? That doesn't matter anymore. Let him have his perspective and I'll deal with my own feelings. I think of him everyday and pray no one will ever hurt him again. If he knows people like he says he does, I hope he can tell I mean every word here.
Sadly, I've hurt him too badly. Although I'd apologized and he'd said he'd forgiven me, I doubt he'll ever really want to talk to me again.:( I won't blame him for that. I just want him to find love and be happy, that's all. When he finds a girl who'll love him for him and can make him happy, that'll only make me smile. If he and I can't be friends like we were before, at least --- I just don't want anybody to hurt him again. Enough.
But if allowed, I'd like to go back in time when I could talk to him again and even hear his voice or see him smile, because those were the days that had made me smile...:)
The Author
