2015-01-28 - 2:07 p.m.
Dear Dad,
It’s been a year. How are you doing there?
No, I’m not trying to toughen myself up or pretending I’m emotionless. I have no energy to do so these days. I can only be me, as always – nobody but me.
After a while, I’ve decided to not make any promises that I can’t really keep. Like what I’m doing now, for example. I’ve promised myself that I would stop writing to you, because this just doesn’t make sense. You’ve been gone for a year. This feels like I haven’t completely moved on.
Anyway, here we are again.
By the way, Aki Bob (Bob Sadino) had finally caught up with you too. I heard that he’d been sick for a while. I remember when I was a kid that we’d met him at Ma’s family and relatives’ annual gathering. He was always full of smiles, wearing his cowboy hat and boots. (I think he used to own a horses’ stable, because I remember back then – I’d asked him timidly: “Can I ride one of your horses there?” and he just smiled and said: “Sure, when can you come by?” )
Of course, that plan never came true. We only got to see him about once a year.
Then we got busy...and time just flew. It’s always like that, eh?
I’m still sad, but I (have to) make sure that this will never (have to) ruin me for life. Why should it? This is just how reality works. People come and go. We all live and die. In the end, it’s just a matter of ‘when’.
And caring doesn’t mean one has to continue mourning and brooding over the past. What for? Life goes on. We’ve got to find a way or another to move on somehow.
A lot has happened lately. I could say that so far, this is the kind of life that I’ve wanted. I have finally challenged myself to start taking more risks and chances, stepping out into this real world alone. You always wanted me to be more independent, remember? Well, this is what I’m working on at the moment.
By the way, your granddaughter Gira is two years old now. She’s so pretty and cute. I don’t think she remembers you, but perhaps she can ask us later on when she grows up. Other than that, my writing career has started progressing and I am not going to stop or let anyone hold me back for whatever reason. This has always been my dream!
Yeah, a lot has happened. If I had never taken that first step, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I have no regrets. I’ve challenged myself outside my usual comfort zone – and life has never felt this exciting. I’ve started doing things I never thought I could – or I could only dream about before.
However, I know that I can’t please everybody and I don’t even want to. If they can’t accept that, then it’s not my problem. I owe them nothing; not even an apology. I know I sound harsh and rather unforgiving, but I’ve worked really hard for this. It hasn’t been easy.
I know you’d always wanted me to be strong and flawless, but let’s just accept some unavoidable facts, shall we? We need to choose our battles wisely. Some fights are just not worth it.
That’s why I’ve started taking things easy lately, bit by bit. I know I’m only human. I can’t win every argument, even when I know damn well that I’m not always wrong. I can only do my best with my capacity; I’m no superhero. No one should ever demand so much from me. That’s not fair; that ain’t right. They have no rights to do such thing to me. This is my life; I’m the one living it – not them. Just because I don’t always take people’s advice doesn’t mean I never listen to them.
Anyway, do you know what I do these days about certain kind of people? Once they have made up their minds about me, I just stop caring. Let them be. Let them think whatever they like about me. I can’t control them like they can’t control me.
Am I stubborn? Well, I believe I’m not the only one. Some people tend to mistake my ‘strong will’ and ‘persistence’ with that, but then again...what do I care? I needn’t prove them anything, just to keep them satisfied or happy. Why should I? I’m the one who should be fully responsible with my decisions and the mistakes that I make, not them. No one’s going to do that for me and none should ever do that!
Nothing puts you off like people who still treat you like a dumb kid who can’t think for herself. You know damn well how they affect me. I just back away, keep quiet, and mind my own business. That’s it. They’re more than welcomed to smack their nosy faces against the invisible-but-solid brick walls that I build.
Sorry, I know that I’m not supposed to stir up your restful spirit with this. I’ll stop now and leave you alone – hopefully for as long as this life still exists.
Until then,
R.
