2015-01-19 - 2:13 p.m.
Here we go again. At last, another reunion. (Well, actually – it was more than one. But that’s okay.)
I’m glad we still got to meet with other girls. Hazel Eyes was so happy too. I know things between you and I had strained pretty much before his return.
People change, but some (choose to) stay the same. I believe so, but why? Because they just don’t want to; they believe it’s already part of their true personality. They believe they’re the only ones who don’t need to – and think they’re always right.
Sadly to say, you happen to be one of them sometimes. Even sadder, you tend to mentally suffocate others around you whenever you do that way, way too often.
Don’t get me wrong; I still think of you as a friend. However, things have changed. We can’t go back to how we used to be – and I surely won’t. Who are we kidding with here? I don’t mind hanging out with you again, but – this time – I’m not sharing my everything with you. No, not anymore. The last experiences with you have been more than enough for me.
I know you mean well. I mean, we all do. Even Hazel Eyes still feels sorry for you. He says it’s going to take you a while to realise and accept that no, you can’t control everything. Being a psychic doesn’t make you God.
I am too aware of some other people’s jealousy with our...sort-of-group. (Seriously, they need to just grow the heck up and start minding their own business! We’re too old for that and this isn’t high school anymore, for God’s sake.) Like Novel, for example. I don’t know what her real problem is – and honestly, I don’t care. Life is way too short for people like her. If she wants to continue believing that we exclude her out of our hang-out times and ignore her, then she’s more than welcome to do so. It’s not like she’s ever made an effort to greet us first, at least.
We’re not in high school anymore; we’re in our 30s now! (Well, except for Dewi, of course.) Do all of us a favour, will you? Cut the drama! I’m sick of your same old, damn soap opera. Just ignore her, because she’s just not worth it, okay? I believe it’s not hard to do something so simple. It’s mostly about whether you really want to or not.
Once again, please don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate you, like...at all. No! (Although I know it would be useless trying to tell you this, since you always take it the wrong way and never let people finish. You even barely listen!)
I care about you and wish you happiness, really. However, I can no longer trust you with stories regarding my personal life – for I know you’re going to blab about that to other people, like how you do about other people’s personal ones. That’s why I don’t talk much anymore whenever you’re around. Not only that I feel uncomfortable, but I know how you’re going to react. You’re going to endlessly criticise and judge my every choice, so it’s always best for me to just shut the hell up. No more Groundhog’s Day for me.
I’m actually feeling sad right now, because this has all been too damn familiar. Here we go again, back on the same old stance. I suppose that there’ll always be some things in life that we disagree about – and I’ve already accepted that. The question is: have you? Did you ever really do? All I keep noticing is just how often you demand other people’s tolerance over your choices, yet at the same time you have zero compromise over others’. You always have to be in charge of everything. You have to be the main star of the show. You have to be the centre of everyone’s attention.
Like it or not, that’s what you always do. Worst of all, not all issues have something to do with you. Caring doesn’t always mean full-involvement to fix the problem. Sometimes you just need to take a step back and let things go, even when you know that the people you care about the most may make mistakes. Stop treating them like their babies who can’t make up their minds and make their own decisions. Just stop, okay? You’re so bloody exhausting. You’re suffocating us!
Being stubborn won’t make ANYONE a better person – and THAT includes you. Yes, you! You calling anyone stubborn in public also won’t help either. That doesn’t even make you even better as a person than any of us. Once again, who the hell are you to judge? Look who’s talking!
If Novel wants to keep acting like a bitch, then so what? Once again, that’s her problem! If you think Nany dresses and poses like a slut in her pictures, so what? You’re not even her mother! If your gay pal can still put up with his two-timing bisexual partner – then that’s his personal choice. Give me a break, he’s not a little boy anymore!
So what if Hevi or anyone chose to tell others first about her boyfriend and not you? It’s going to be up to me whether I want to tell you about mine or not in the future. Frankly, I don’t even want to tell you about Steel Blue Eyes, no matter how curious you are about him. Try not to take everything way too personally, because everyone’s entitled to their own decisions. Once again, this life isn’t just all about you, okay?
I thank you about letting me know the ugly truth about my brother-in-law. However, this time I need you to take a step back. No need to lecture me on how to look after my own family, thank you very much. I’m not coming back home, just for the sake of fighting him off! I’m not going to fight him. I no longer have to. I’m already strong enough to let it go, move on, and stand on my own. I don’t care if you think I don’t care about them that much. God knows it isn’t true. As a matter of fact, I do and always will.
I still look after them with all my might, even when I’m not always around anymore.
Then again, I don’t have to prove anything to you. This is my life, not yours. I’ve worked so hard for this independence and sanity; I’m not just going to give all that up without a fight – only because you or someone else ask(s) me to, or because you ‘sense’ something bad is happening in my family.
I believe in God and His Mercy. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I’ve never asked for any of this, but I was asked to accept reality as it is – and I have. It was my sister who’d chosen him all along – and their lovely kids are the only good reasons that came out of their unhappy marriage. It was my own family who had let him in, and I never took part in it.
So, how come I have to take the responsibility if anything ever falls apart thanks to him? How is that my fault? That’s not fair! How come I have to be present all the time just to clean up someone else’s mess? It doesn’t make sense!
When will my sister ever really grow up, if I’m the one who always have to sacrifice? When will my brother become a man he’s supposed to be and start taking care of Ma more, if I keep bailing him out?
They have to start learning to live without me being around so much, because that’s what I’m doing now. As painful as it is, this is what I have to do. Besides, there’s another ugly truth that I’m sure you don’t even want to believe.
Didn’t you see that Hazel Eyes was the only one there for me when I fell sick and had to go to the hospital? Didn’t that tell us something here? He even loaned me his money to pay for my health bills, since both my siblings hadn’t been able to return my money they borrowed – and I hadn’t received my next paycheck yet.
Not only that, though. You don’t know about the last fight I’d had with Ma – about my sister’s husband hurting the boys and how my sister was too afraid to leave him. How the relatives have turned a blind eye and told me not to speak of any of it anymore.
How Ma has asked me to back off, because it’s none of my business. Her grandkids, my nephews and niece – no? How come??
You see, I left home because of that. Her wish is my command. I left so that my sister could have all of them to herself – and that Ma was free to enjoy her picture-perfect illusion.
All in all, don’t you dare blame me for all that – because...let’s just face it. You don’t know everything!
R.
