2018-04-02 - 9:27 a.m.
When I was a teenager, guys like you may have fooled me big time. Your saccharine-sweet words and romantic gestures had made me feel special. It seemed to me that I really mattered to you, despite what others had said.
“Oh, he’s a player. Don’t fall for his cheesy lines.”
I wish I’d listened to them. Not long after that, you got bored and drifted off. No explanations, nothing. You simply moved on to another girl, or perhaps other girls, as if I’d been nothing. As if I’d never meant a damn thing to you.
The worst part was never about losing you. Believe me, I had no problems letting guys like you go.
It was the first time my trust got broken, along with my heart too. Not only that, this world seemed to be more on your side than mine:
“Come on, you know how some boys are like. They love playing around. Don’t take their words seriously.”
“Girl, you’ve got to be smart. You should’ve seen it coming.”
Was it really ‘just my fault’, as they all had claimed?
Because of guys like you, I retreated to my safety. I had to and I hated it. I needed some time to heal before learning to trust again.
Being a young woman can be full of challenges and this is just one of the many. After what happened, I don’t just take everything on a face value.
However, they suddenly have different ideas. This time, I’m the one being too cold and distant. I admit that I have quite severe trust issues now.
“You’re too suspicious. You fear every guy is going to be like the last one – hurting you.”
“Come on, he’s just being nice. Don’t be rude. Give him a chance.”
“Maybe it’ll be different this time.”
Such mixed messages. First, they wanted me to be careful and smart. Sweet words may mean nothing. Watch what he does. Don’t let him trick you.
Now they want me to open up. Very well, so I let another you in. I thought you’d be different from the last one. Damn, I was wrong. It happened again. Not only that, this time I took a stand. As shamefully as this may sound, I confronted you about ‘us’.
I don’t know what it is with guys like you, really. If you had never intended to get serious with me, then why did you lead me on in the first place? Why the sweet words and romantic gestures?
It wouldn’t have been so bad if you had come clean in the first place, no matter how brutal your honesty could’ve been. You may have perceived me emotional and sensitive, but at least I’d known it sooner. At least I wouldn’t have expected anything from you at all.
Was I just for keeping scores?
A few years gone by and the world was still the same. They made excuses for what guys like you did, some male-privilege you simply gloated. It was as bad as you accusing me of playing the victim.
Very well, then. I’d leave you alone for good. It’s time to make you irrelevant to my life. I have to keep up with my pride. Don’t ever think for a second that you’re completely off the hook. I know you think I’ve stopped holding you responsible for the hurt you’ve caused me.
No, I owe it to myself that I’ve got to stay strong, no matter what. That’s my only reason.
Then I let time go by. I started learning to be on my own again. I’d built higher walls this time, so no one could get in. I had to protect myself from pain.
When he first came along and started showing an interest in me, I froze. Although sweet, he didn’t use too many, too sugary pickup lines. He was rather matter-of-fact, really straightforward.
Then why was I hesitant? What was I really scared of?
He sensed that too. In fact, he challenged me:
“You could find out if we’d work out or not – or spend the rest of your life wondering if we could have.”
It was then I realised one thing:
Guys like you didn’t just break my heart and ruin my ability to trust. Guys like you also give other guys a hard time. Instead of rejoicing and accepting another possibility of love wholeheartedly, I found myself standing still. My mind was racing wildly with fear and worry:
What if he’s just the same? What if I get fooled again and blamed for believing it’ll be different, better this time?
I know guys like you won’t feel guilty with this side effect. You’ll probably still think I’m just being overly emotional, too sensitive for my own good, and playing the victim again.
Maybe you no longer care. Fine, I’ll just keep treating you as irrelevant. I could let my fears get the best of me again. I could let the old ghosts of you win and refuse to give him a chance.
However, enough is enough. I deserve to be happy too. Maybe he’ll be different and this time, it will work out fine. If not, then it’s just not meant to be – whatever the cause is.
To the guys with only sweet-nothings and empty promises:
No, I’m not going to thank you for these lessons. I owe you all nothing. You’re just some bad examples God has shown me, so I’d rather thank Him instead.
Although perhaps our bridge has been burned, I’ll try not to bear these grudges for too long. I hope you’ll never ever have to experience this kind of pain. The truth is, I don’t think your bloated ego is strong enough to take it. You’ll probably be up for an instant revenge.
However, if you do, I hope you’ll remember me. Because by then, I’ll be too far away...
R.
