2015-07-22 - 11:28 a.m.
I vaguely recall being in transition before. This isn't my first time, I know, but it's never felt this intense...so intense that I have a really difficult time fighting back my own tears.
Right. You have no idea what I'm talking about. I also have trouble putting this into words. I'll still give this a try, though.
So, Hazel Eyes and L are finally - and "officially" as he put it - together. The three of us had gone to Jakarta Fair 2015 on June 30 together. It was quite...awkward. Don't get me wrong; I actually like L. He's nice. We get along quite well.
Then a few days after that, Hazel Eyes gave me the news. His smiling face radiated happiness, his beautiful hazel eyes twinkling.
He's in love. It's obvious.
How do I feel about this? It's funny how Begz thought that I might be jealous, which is not the case. Envious? Maybe. I don't remember the last time I felt flattered and special that way. I mean, it's been ages ago that it feels so distant and foreign to me now. To many guys out there, I've mostly been just a best friend...or a sisterly figure. That's it. Nothing more than that. Never more.
No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just stating a fact. This doesn't mean that I'm not happy with my life. Happiness is - and should be - a (personal) choice, after all.
I also hate it when people keep telling me that I'm not trying hard enough. What they don't understand is: I don't want to try too hard. I'll be pathetic that way. Some people don't even have to try and get all things handed down freely. You're right; life is sometimes unfair - but wouldn't it be boring and not-so-challenging if one always had it easy? Others have to work much harder, but perhaps they learn a more valuable lesson. Perhaps that can make them feel more grateful instead of bitter, if they choose to stay positive in life. There are others who endure worse than we do.
What do I want, really? You see, I don't just want a partner. I want someone who can be my best friend too. I want someone who's man enough to deal and put up with me and my shortcomings, since I know damn well that I'm not always about being full of 'sweet-nothings' and stuff. I'm just being realistic; I'm not perfect. I've never been a 'damsel-in-distress' and I'm not planning to start turning into one. If I can still do something by myself, then I will. I rarely ask for help or even protection from others - not just men - unless it's really serious or urgent, like I'm in grave danger or something that dramatic. That doesn't mean I don't need anyone. If they want to help me, they're welcomed to do so. I won't be offended into thinking they undermine / underestimate my capabilities.
Too generic? Not specific enough? Maybe it's because I am now rather too afraid of praying for anything too specific. Be careful what you wish for. I'm old enough to understand what that means.
Believe me, I've had plenty of guys cry / weep at my presence over something, and not once have I laughed at them. I don't find that a weakness anymore. We all do need to cry sometimes. In fact, if I really, really care about you - I might join your tear-fest against my will.
Am I not trying hard enough to find "the right one" for me? Am I not making an effort?
That's what they say, but I don't care. I have my own pace. I believe God will give me when He thinks it's the right time.
What am I doing nowadays? Improving myself. Growing. Fixing my (broken) relationship with God first. After that, who knows? Hopefully He'll send me someone who not only makes me feel happy, but also makes me a better person than before.
As usual, aameen ya rabbal 'aalameen...
R.
