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2014-05-18 - 7:32 p.m.

I didn�t celebrate Vesak, but I was glad for the public holiday on May 15. You see, that�s the advantage of living in my country. Whatever your religion is (or even if you�re a closeted agnostic or atheist), everyone gets a fair share of all religious public holidays. YAY!

Not only glad, I was also relieved. Work has been stressful lately. I hate it.

Should I stay or should I go? That question still lingers in my head, over and over. Not only haunting, but it�s also quite disturbing.

If they fire me, then I won�t have to make that final decision by myself. Like I�ve said, they�ll be setting me free � doing me a huge favour. I�ll just have to start moving to the next steps forward like a calculative chess player (well, eventhough I never play chess all my life.)

What if they still want me to stay? That�s a good question. Do I still want to, after all they�ve done to me? After all those mixed messages and blame games they keep on playing when something falls?

No. Enough is enough. I may sound snobbish about this, but I deserve to be happy too.

Well, no one from the HR team turned up last Friday � so that should be a relief, right? But then again, I�ve already lost the will. My heart�s no longer in it.

That�s why I�ve started looking for other opportunities out there. (This is not the end of my world.) Hazel Eyes is right; this job is unhealthy for me. I can�t work well under continuous scrutiny. I won�t be happy.

In fact, I�m already very, very unhappy.
Oh, well. We�ll see...

So, anyway � let�s go back to last Thursday...

Ma had wanted to spend overnight with me in the central of the city (in my cramped, rented room � but she said it was okay). However, at the last minute she cancelled out of her exhaustion. (Poor Mommy.) Nessa had also wanted to see a horror movie with me somewhere, but she also cancelled the plan. No problem. I didn�t feel like going anywhere that day, so I just hung around Setiabudi One all day with my laptop � working and writing. I had my super brunch at Imperial again � linguine with salmon, fresh zucchini, and onion rings. Good time for me. I ordered coffee at Starbucks, something I hadn�t done in a very long time. (I rarely do so, due to the fact that it�s madly expensive. I only go there when I need the decent wi-fi connection, hehe.)

While I was there, I crossed path with Tony B. He�d been waiting for his friends, because they wanted to watch the new remake of �Godzilla�.

He said I could come back to the school full week, if they really wanted to fire me � or if I couldn�t take the pressure anymore. I�d wanted to cry when I heard him say that, but managed to hold it back somehow. Stay strong, I silently ordered myself, watching his back as we parted. He�s not your father. Yours is already dead...

Poor Josh is losing his daughter Kaysia. She�s been taken away from him by his ex-wife and new husband. So far, all I can do is spread the sad news online and help him find legal facts regarding the custody law in this country...

Last Friday, I hung out with �Goddess M� and Tya in Plaza Indonesia. �Goddess M� offered me a freelance, content-writing job and I simply accepted it � just in case.

So, they�re not firing me. (Yet?) I don�t know why, but I still feel empty. Hazel Eyes� tarot card �reading� discovered a reversed Queen of Swords for me � and Niko said I should get the hell out of there a.s.a.p., because he was also �sensing� my �dying energy�. So far, I�ve asked Angie from another company to help me. I still hope I know what I�m doing and it�s the right thing. I hope there are no hassles getting in the way.

Do I sound like a quitter and coward to you � or am I just being more realistic? For me, more money doesn�t matter much � if I get sick and tired easily...and I�m far from feeling happy...

Most of all, I miss writing what I really, really love � but I live in the real world where earning more from fiction is largely based on luck instead of actual skills and intelligence...

Should I stay or should I go?

R.

 

 

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