2013-05-20 - 7:31 p.m.
It's just one of those moments. You know you can never really get away from it, yet you still wish you could somehow avoid it.
You don't mind being alone. You've done this for years. Sometimes you like it; sometimes you don't. It's just the way it is. That's life.
Sometimes, it's either in between or a black hole. Empty, hollow.
A sense of nothingness...
Normally, you're fine. A weekend without a boyfriend has never been a tragedy for you. If your friends are too busy, you can always find something to do. You're a freelance writer. You are creative and productive even more during your spare time. You can earn more money too - an extra income outside your regular working hours. Why not? After all, that's the idea, isn't that?
Maybe you're just tired. You're aching for something new.
Last Saturday, you went to Ambassador Mall after work alone. Some of the girls at work wondered why you weren't going with them to a colleague's wedding.
That's when it hit you...again. The realization that you've been avoiding lately.
You simply forgot, or you barely noticed. Maybe you just didn't even want to remember. Either way, you didn't feel like going. It was nothing personal, really. It was just...umm, a wedding. It's just like when one doesn't feel like going to a prom, only because it's not their "thing". It doesn't matter if there are people they know. These days, you're just not into it.
There's a lot to do in attending weddings here in this country, especially if you're a single woman. It's not just about showing up in a pretty dress and looking pretty. It's about putting the smile on your face and the typical courtesy, no matter how tired you really are on the inside.
What else? Oh, don't forget about the damn, same old social pressure. It doesn't even matter if it's your friend's wedding or a relative's. It's bad enough that you're once again reminded of what you still haven't got at the sight of the newlyweds, but they have to make it worse by questioning you about when it's your turn to get married. All through that, you still have to keep that smile on your face. It's quite a hard work.
So you went your separate ways. You needed to buy something at the mall anyway. As usual, you didn't mind being on your own. You knew what you wanted and how to get that fast. You've never really been the shopping type. A spree is never in your agenda.
In other words, first things first. Check your list, grab the stuff, pay, and go. Some people say you're more like a guy in this department than an ordinary girl.
Then another wave of nostalgia swept over you. You remembered the last time you'd visited that place. You'd been with him. The beautiful Hazel Eyes. Your best friend. Your big brother, although not by DNA. Someone you love dearly without any romantic sparks and vice versa, so it's safe. He who has changed your life in one and a half years, simply by coming into your life with an extended hand - and later, open arms. He's made you smile, laugh, cry, and even feel safe...and loved. For the first time in your adult life, you felt that you were good enough. He reminded you that you were important too. People actually cared about you.
Thinking about him made you want to cry, so you left quickly. You were tired anyway and just wanted to go home.
"These days, the stars seem out of reach...These days, there ain't no ladders on the streets..."
(Bon Jovi)
You know what you really want in your life, but it's still a long road ahead. You're still working on it.
As always, these dark moods are temporary. They always come and go...
R.
