2012-11-27 - 7:22 a.m.
�THOUGHTS OF A (�SO-CALLED�?) EMPATH: BROWN EYES�
By.RUBY ASTARI
I could start this with the same old,lame line:�I don't know why I've decided to write this." No, that would be half a lie. I do know why. I just don't understand it completely.
How long has it been again? Five months? Yes, I suppose it's been that long since we last met - and talked briefly on the phone. FB and Whatsapp have kept us connected, although we only (get to) talk once in a while. Perhaps it's the time-zone and our different work schedules. There are times when I worry about disturbing you while you're at work or something like that.
Still, I am grateful that he's introduced us to each other. Really. It was brief, I know, but it's okay. I don't know what you'd thought of me back then, but I sense something good about you. I don't know for sure why and I can't tell how. I just do. It's beyond reason and logic. Strange, eh?
Perhaps this has something to do with the rare 'talent' I have. As a human being, I know that I can't always be 100% accurate. That usually works much better - or, I should say, stronger - once I get to know the person really well. There are times when I can just tell people, the things they don't say to your face or show the rest of the world.
What about this? What about you?
I know that I could be wrong. I've been that way many times before. I've done a lot of crazy stuff for the people I truly care about, sometimes forgetting to be considerate with the feelings of others. Especially those who have done a lot for me and taken care of me as if I were their own flesh and blood - their family. Those who have made me feel safe. It's just my simple, childlike mind. I just want to dry the tears in their eyes and make them smile.
If I had ever been inconsiderate with you and your feelings, I'm so sorry...
Anyway, it's been months sine he left this country, but I guess you've already known that. Right now, he's starting over. There are things he needs to sort out, but he's fine."All is good," he often tells me cheerfully, so that I don't worry. (Nice try but it doesn't always work, unfortunately.)
He still cares for you, you know? He always does. There are a lot of things he regretted doing in the past, and his emotions had been real. I know that because I was there. I was also affected by that, believe it or not.
I know I shouldn't be speaking on his behalf, but it's true. No matter what happens in the end, he'll always care. He'll always think of you as a friend. He just wants you to be happy and can't bear to see you hurt again. That's all.
He often asks about you, and I try my best not to worry him too much. Your fb posts...they worry me. I don't know why, since we don't talk much. I don't even dare ask too much. Are you okay? Has somebody out there made you feel unhappy?
I sense that it's really hard for you to trust people these days, so I'm not pushing you to talk to me. Long ago, when I was sad, you once told me that I could talk to you whenever I was in need. Well, guess what?
Likewise...
--- //---
�Is it you inside my head? Is it you inside who says that I�ll become someone else?� (�Inside My Head� by.Di-rect)
This is completely out of the blue!
Like I've mentioned earlier, we don't talk that much. You gave me the surprising news that week:
You were coming to Jakarta!
Oh, wow. For a moment there, I was awestruck. I still managed to ask you a few questions, though.
You said you were staying with a friend for three days that weekend. You also wanted to go shopping, but hadn't decided much more about it yet.
Okay, what would I do? Honestly, I wanted to see you. I wanted to see that you were okay. Why? I was worried. It was not just because of him.
I really, really wanted to know how you were doing. However, I didn't know how to tell you that. Normally, I don't ask people - especially guys - for whatever reasons - to meet up with me. I often joke with my friends that I'm sometimes like a vampire. I have to be invited first.
Besides, what would I be telling you if we met and/or hung out together? That he still asked about you and hoped you'd always be okay? That I too was worried about you, although we hardly know each other?
Brown Eyes, have I been too nosy that I've silently upset you? I'm sorry if I have. If it's true, do let me know and I'll leave you alone. I'll shut up about it from now on.
After all, this is such a weird situation. Then again, I'm not so normal anyway. Some people will confirm you that if you ask them.
Maybe you just wanted to hang out with your friends. I didn't dare disturb you.
Of course, I told him you were coming. He'd only asked me to send you his 'hello' when/if we met or crossed each other's path. I told him I'd try. I didn't know if we would see each other while you were here. I wasn't sure how you would react.
What a silly, nonsensical worry. He says you've always been a sweetheart, and I should believe that too...
--- // ---
�But you deserve to be loved...you deserve something real...it�s time to heal...it�s time to feel...� (�To Be Loved� by.Curtis Stigers)
I didn't get to see you on Friday and Saturday. I was busy with work. Sunday was your last day here. Somehow, I woke up feeling...somewhat hollow. His face rose in my mind. It's weird, I know.
I reached for my phone and started typing. I asked about your flight schedule. You answered me. At 8 pm.
I breathed. Okay, here goes nothing...
I asked about your plan to Grand Indonesia. You said it was still on. You also said you were going with your friend.
I stopped and watched the clock. It was already past midday. Would I still stand a chance?
No time to think. I picked up my backpack full of my writing kit and dashed out of the house. I decided to risk it. I'm sorry, but I couldn't stop thinking of him. I care about him. I had to see you with my own eyes. Even for a short time, no problem. I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know I'm around. I may not understand everything, but you know you can talk to me when you feel the need to.
If after that you had to go back to your friend, I'd walk away. No problem. I'm Ms.Independent.
I'd also decided that if I hadn't seen you that day, I'd just hang around for a while in a search of inspiration. Meet me, the aspiring writer. I'd text you my farewell.
Just when I'd thought of that, I saw you walking towards me - right from the opposite direction. You were walking with a tall, muscular guy with short grey hair.
When you saw me, your beautiful brown eyes widened in surprise. Then your face broke into a smile.
"Hey!"
I ran straight into your strong arms and we hugged, just like that night in Bali months ago. I simply whispered in your ear:"By the way, he says hi."
"I know," you said softly as you released me. There was that familiar sweet smile of yours. Your beautiful brown eyes radiated warmth...and mystery too.
Then you introduced me to your friend. We'd chatted briefly. I didn't want to keep you guys there for me, so after that I hugged you again.
"You're alright, aren't you?" I asked you again. "Take care."
"I'm okay," you convinced me. I gazed at you for one last time that day, suddenly realizing what's made him feel so much about you.
Okay, I should stop looking at you through his eyes. Weird.
We parted ways. Mission accomplished! I started typing a message on my phone, telling him I'd met you - and that you were okay.
--- // ---
�Who doesn�t long for someone to hold � who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I�m on my own, if there�s a soulmate for everyone...� (�Soulmate� by.Natasha Bedingfield)
Are you really happy? There was something else in your deep brown eyes that you couldn't disguise.
I went online that night and caught your latest post on your fb again. I sighed deeply.
Why do I care? Because he does. I know I really do as well. It may seem strange to you, but there are times when I sense that you're sad about something. I'm wondering who has caused you so much pain that makes you feel empty.
I know how loneliness is such a bitch sometimes. Don't we all long for that someone special? Even the romantically-challenged skeptic like me does.
In the meantime, we need to work on our own happiness. We have to settle being alone for now. I know it's not easy, but I believe that you're brave and strong enough to carry on.
When you tell yourself you deserve to be happy, I hope you truly believe it. Because you do, and you've got people who really care about you. Never forget that, okay?
Will I see you again? I really hope so, Brown Eyes. Next time, it's my turn to fly there again. I hope you don't mind spending some time with me, though.
For now, we do whatever we can. Until then? Godspeed.
-the end-
