2012-09-08 - 7:29 p.m.
It's going to be the lonely weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do just yet, but I'm still looking forward to it. Kind of strange, huh? Well, this is not the first time. I've been through the same thing hundreds of time before. No problem. Besides, what else is new? I've been alone most of my time.
A lot of people have found me strange with this. They often wonder why I like being alone. (They often forget that general assumptions can lead to unfair, shallow judgments, especially if they're not careful. 'Like'? I think what they really mean is 'don't mind'. See, they even still confuse themselves with the context!)
I remember one episode of "Sex and The City", where Carrie Bradshaw the columnist (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) ponders about what it's like being seen alone in public. (I'm not a huge fan of the show, but my college buddy Pumpkin used to make me watch it - back when he was still alive.) Get it? It's like, you sit at a restaurant without either reading a book or playing with your smartphone - not waiting for anyone in particular. It's just you, yourself, and you - embracing solitude (and well, perhaps a luxurious bit of selfishness) as it is.
At the end of that episode, Carrie (who's single) sits at a restaurant one afternoon alone and orders her drink. When the waiter pours her drink and asks if she's expecting anyone, she just shakes her head, smiles at him, and says: "No, it's just me today." Then the waiter leaves her alone and she puts her shades on to protect her eyes from the sun outside.
I know one girl who fears being seen alone at a restaurant. She thinks it's pathetic. I also know another girl who pities the sight of an old woman eating alone in public. What's so sad about that? And why do some people tend to have such perceptions towards women? Is this city really a considerate and tolerant place?
I understand that people always come up with different perceptions and opinions. Many choose to stay safe by joining the majority, because - let's just face it - big numbers give you a sense of comfort and security. That's always the nature's law. My mother also reminds me that it's always the case with being the minority; you have to be ready to be frowned upon - at least at first. After that, it's still up to them; they shrug it off and accept that as part of you without further questions - or they can keep acting as if you're the freak of nature with this one big mystery they need to solve, maybe in order to help them sleep easy at night. Do you think they're wasting their time? Well, as long as you feel that they're not wasting yours, then what's the fuss? You just do what you've got to do and respect other people's privacy. That's it.
"Hey, lady - are you alone?" or "Why are you alone?" are two most common questions from idle guys on the streets of this city if you're a woman roaming out alone, especially at night. If they think you look older to their eyes, they might start asking questions about where your husband is and why he's not accompanying you. It's amazing how people who have got nothing much better to do with their time can always develop such fantastic imaginations about people who pass them by day after day. Speaking of which, don't we do that too as well sometimes?
Okay, I'm sure you can tell that I was just being sarcastic.
Shallow minds can say you've got no friends and that you're anti-social. (They might not even get the idea when you shoot back coolly: "Oh, I have got friends. I'm just not too dependent on them and I enjoy my solitude as well.") They can even tell everyone they know that you don't need anybody, so just sit and wait. From there, you can see who's shallow enough to buy them easily - and who truly understands you, respects your privacy, and even admires your sense of independence. It's the one who's not easily offended and doesn't take it personally when you tell them you need the weekend just for yourself instead of hanging out with them or other people. After all, we do need that break once in a while. We need to have our own inner voice heard, not muffled by external noise. From there, we can tell ourselves what we really, really want - out of other people's constant demands for our attention and lack of understanding towards us sometimes.
I know a girl who says she's better off on her own than faking it to impress the people she doesn't even like. (Kind of extreme, but that sort of situations does also exist.) Well, it's up to you all. For me, it's more in the 'in-between'. A best friend of mine says: "Everything should be in moderation." If you spend too much time with other people, you might start getting too dependent on them. You might even start taking them for granted by thinking they'll always be there for you, no matter how often you disappoint them.
However, if you're too used to being alone, you might have a serious difficulty in reaching out to others when you're in need. You might have this sense of pride, and also fear and worry of being dependent on others and (considered) a weakling. Which would you prefer?
Can I have the best of both worlds, please? Am I too greedy and impossible?
Perhaps, after a long time away from other people - especially the ones you love - you can meet them again with much eager anticipation, bigger appreciation for their existence in your life.
What am I going to do for now? Perhaps, more sleep is enough for me. Good night.
Zzzz...
yours truly,
R.
