2012-09-01 - 8:07 p.m.
I don't know where to start these days. All I know is that I'm feeling myself chipped away...bit by bit. I'm on the verge of losing my sanity again.
That's why I need to be alone for now. Alone and away from home for a while. Especially after what's happened. I need to gather up my thoughts and decide carefully on what to do next. The clock is ticking. I don't have much time anymore. It's clearly running out now. I've got to work fast. I don't want to fail.:( I can't afford to anymore.
I think I'm just going to be quick with this one. It's still painful for me to even remember it.:'-(
I didn't know what had gotten to me last Friday morning. I woke up and had my breakfast. I'd been in a foul mood lately, especially since last holiday.
I swear to you, all I wanted was a nice, quiet breakfast. Undisturbed, no distractions at all - at least for once in a while. Was it too much to ask?
I know it wasn't the boy's fault.-_'- He's only three years old. He picks up bad influences from his own parents all too damn easily - and still, they don't even care. Not much I can do about that now, anyway.
Still, I feel guilty.*blushes* I shouldn't have lost it so easily.:'-(
I'm so sorry, baby.:'-( I hope you know that I still love you anyway. I love you and fear for your life and safety these days, knowing just how immature and emotionally unstable your parents still really are.
I don't want to be just like them. I don't want to hurt you too...:'-(
*deep sigh*
Anyway, Ganesh was cranky that morning. He kept complaining and moaning about no sugar in his tea earlier. Since he wasn't addressing that to anyone specifically around, I kept quiet and just went on with my breakfast. Basically, I tried to just ignore him. I really did at first, but it was very difficult. He was standing quite close.
Feeling ignored, Ganesh wailed louder. I guess he was just unhappy with my cold, heartless response. The louder he wailed, the more irritated I felt. How annoying!
"Who are you talking to?" I snapped, glancing sideways at him. I wished he'd stopped at once. Or, at least he answered my question. If he had asked me directly and specifically to give him more sugar in his tea soon, I would've been much kinder to him as always. I swear I would've given him what he'd wanted.
No, he kept on wailing. He was pouting and his wailing just grew even louder. I couldn't concentrate anymore. He reminded me so much of his bossy father and bratty mother, who complain and wail and demand that everyone around should cater to their every need right away - which always makes me feel sick to death!
Yeah, that ugly thought had somehow successfully infuriated me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I got up quickly and banged the spoon against the plate before facing him.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" I screamed at him. "MY GOD, YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER!!"
As predicted, I made him cry. From the kitchen, I could hear Mom bustling about. She flatly stated: "Just ignore him."
When I turned my attention back to the dining table, I could only stare down in shock and disbelief.
I had cracked and split the plate in thirds. I didn't even realise that I'd hit that hard.
The housemaid came and helped me to change the broken plate with the intact one. I saw slight terror in her eyes, and I couldn't blame her for that - so I didn't. I wouldn't do that anyway. They all knew I'd never done such a thing before. I've mostly been too quiet at home - too kind and not that outspoken and certainly not demanding.
I guess I'd reached my breaking point at that time. It still scares the hell out of me...*shudders*
However, the worst feeling came after that. Hours later after the incident, Ganesh smiled at me as if nothing had happened earlier. As if he'd completely forgotten all about it.
But I don't, and I don't think I ever will...
That's why I need to get out. Fast. My anger towards the boys' parents and the whole injustice done at home are gradually damaging my relationship with the boys as well. Sadly, it's not even enough that I love them so much...
R.
