2012-08-25 - 12:03 a.m.
Like it or not, I have to go back to work next Monday. Come to think of it, it's also the only escape from home - from The Twilight Zone.*sneers*
What can I say? I don't get to do a lot of my own business this week. First things first. If it's about Dad, I understand. He still needs help.
My cousin Rizki said a local publisher was looking for horror writers .a.s.a.p. - and I haven't come up with a damn thing.:(
Am I selfish and heartless for asking for my personal space and time? I mean, other people do that and they seem to be okay with that.*shrugs* Why can't I do that too, at least for just once in a while?
Don't tell me it's not my time to shine yet. Don't tell me that I still need to wait. I'm turning 31 this year. I keep hearing that from time to time and - I'm sorry - I've just had it. I'm fed up with it.
I still need to deal with T's remaining stuff back at the apartment, and - up to now - I still haven't got a chance to go there yet. We still haven't successfully sold the rest yet, especially the bed and the wooden drawers. I know, I know. It's just not that easy, especially with me doing most of this business on my own. The timing is also not that good.
I know that she wants to help with this too, and I really appreciate it. Plus, I need all the help I can get these days.
I know she wants to make it up to T and me, to him mostly. I'm taking that - and all her efforts so far - under serious consideration. That's also the reason why I don't want to be too hard on her.
However, T still feels a bit...uneasy with her. We've forgiven her, but - there are still loose ends here. I mean, after all that's happened, I don't blame him for having second thoughts about her. She knows that. Things are still rather...awkward here.
That's why I need to be very, very careful with these matters. Case sensitive. It's not that we're still punishing her for what's been done or anything like that. No. It's just...well, it's not that easy, okay? Some things just don't change overnight. They require some serious efforts. It takes a long, slow process. It can't be forced.
Just like Gigi and I, when her last ex had successfully sabotaged our friendship. Just like Tiger and I, when I simply...screwed up.*blushes* (Come to think of it, T also reminds me of him sometimes.)
That's why I won't be reaching out to her first. If she offers help, I'll gladly accept it if possible. If she can't help, that's okay. The trick is to make both sides feel happy, which is not easy. It takes a professional diplomat to play Switzerland here, and I'm afraid I'm not even a good one.
*deep sigh*
Doesn't this suck? Don't you hate feeling like you're being caught in the middle again, when all you ever want is to not take any sides and just get along?
Oh, well. As always, I'll just do my best and let God do the rest. Amen.
I'm planning to meet Mz.D too on Sunday, at least before this (so-called?) holiday is over. I need to talk to her. She's always been the sensible one, like an older sister figure I really need. She's also been supportive of my decision about moving - either to Bali or else.
I need to be surrounded by these people. I need more moral support than demands and indirect accusations. I mean, I love my family - but I need my personal space as well. Guilt trip is not sincere love. It's not fair putting me through that.
Besides, there are other possibilities that I still don't know yet. Perhaps I could be more productive and successful with my writing in Bali. Perhaps I could be helping my family more than what I'm doing now. Perhaps our relationship will get even better when I'm far away, like they'll miss me and love me more.
Perhaps Dad will have more determination in getting better, so he can catch up with me later on.:) Yeah, that would be wonderful, wouldn't it? I mean, he always nods and has that smile on his face everytime I mention about my plan on moving to Bali. That means he's approved of my decision, doesn't it? And Ma...she's the greatest when it comes to this. She even reminded me the last time we talked:
"You know, your dad and I have always realized that we can't keep you here forever with us. That's why he was always tough on you about being independent."
Mz.D says that if your parents have already approved of your decision, then you shouldn't worry too much about anything else. That's what I'm holding on to from now on. T also reminds me to keep on believing only in God Almighty. Once you have enough faith in Him, then you shouldn't fear any ghouls.
Amen.:) From now on, I'm just holding on to that. Nothing more. They say that it only works if you believe in it.
Everything's going to be alright, one way or another. I have to keep the faith that God's taking care of my family, even when I'm not around. Only God knows best. No mortals really do, even if they claim to be...psychics.*sneers*
R.
