2012-08-24 - 12:54 a.m.
Eid Mubarak has just passed. I know that we all need to forgive and be forgiven in return. We're always bound to, because that's what helps us to move on better.
That's why he reached out to you first that morning. You know how he is. He's a pacifist. He never wants to have any enemies. (Come to think of it, I'm sure none of us ever want that as well.)
Once he cares about people, he'll do whatever it takes to make them feel happy - and safe if anyone ever tries to harm them. You were there when he said he'd do anything for us, remember? I still believe in him. You may call me a kid of naive if you wish to, because you won't be the first to do so. I don't even care anymore.
Yet you often forget that he's sensitive. (What? Just because he's still a guy on the outside doesn't mean he can't be sensitive - that he has to be tough all the time?) What you'd done to him three times was beyond...cruel. I know that you were always sorry in the end, but do we have to keep riding on the same, old, sick cycle-carousel? How much longer before all of us start running out of steam, out of patience? How much more does he have to take?
Long ago, all you had to do was step back and let me take over if you'd been too busy and tired. It was okay, really. He wouldn't have minded that. Personally, I wish you'd done it sooner - so you wouldn't have had to hurt him with those harsh words of yours.
Yes, dear. You've hurt him so bad the last time you had a fight. I could say that it was the worst, because I'd been the unwilling casualty on the side. You'd deliberately attacked me with your accusations a month ago. That has left mental scars upon him and me. What do you expect with us now? That we'd take you back as if that had never happened?
No, please don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. Neither does he. He wouldn't have sent you that message that day if he did - if you didn't mean that much to him. I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't really care about you.
However, I don't know if I'll ever get to tell you this. I've always said that you two are stubborn as hell and often drive me nuts, but here's the thing: it's a lot easier talking to him. It's so difficult talking to you and I'm not the only one feeling this way.
Honestly, he's not the only one having second thoughts about you now. Me too. Maybe you are a psychic, but I still prefer God to believe in. Nothing personal. Your reasons for what you did to us the last time were very...very strange. I'm sorry, but they still don't make sense to us. Your ex-boss trying to hurt him and I with 'black magic', just because we were your best friends? That Nany was trying to isolate you from your friends, taking us away from you? I still don't trust her either, but how paranoid could you really be?
I don't know what to do with you now. Neither does he. We feel sorry for you, dear, and we still care about you. But there are still loose ends here, things unresolved. Things that you need to deal with yourself first, because - I'm sorry - we can't keep up with trying to make you feel happy and good about yourself. We've tried, and it's difficult without your own will to achieve happiness - not when you're still feeling this insecure. We'd tried before and you didn't listen to us that much. In fact, you often snapped at us - yet also needed that justified without questions. Real friends don't do that. They shouldn't have that. They should make each other feel safe, even from their own, most dangerous side or ugliness.
If you claim that you're protecting us from any (supernatural or else) harm, then how come we don't feel safe with you anymore now? How do we know that you won't do the same again, snap and leave as you've done three times before?
Maybe you could sense that I'm writing this, the way you once said you sensed his wariness towards you. Maybe you could find this online and instantly realized that this is meant for you. Maybe you'd get angry, or understand and give us time to heal. I don't know. All I know is that I can't talk about a lot of things with you anymore - unlike before. Like I've said, it's difficult. I am giving up for now because I'm tired, and I'm sorry. You often seek out the worst in people, and I don't know how you can live like that - constantly looking over your shoulder for potential backstabbers. No wonder you're so thin, your face drawn with mental exhaustion.
You want everybody to understand you, but do you realize how impossible and exhausting it is to expect that? All we can do is our best. If they still don't get us, it's not our problem anymore. Why can't you just let that go and start accepting that nobody can please everybody all the time?
You often say you're sincere in helping others. My opinion? If you really are, you don't even need to mention that out loud. You don't need to prove the world that; let those with open hearts and minds see that you are - even if they're only a few. I've seen sincere people get unnoticed, their good deed unspoken of. But guess what? They're alright. God always knows best.
Which is why I've decided to wash away my fears. You can say all you like about my family being in grave danger and how I'm fully responsible in saving their lives and protecting them all the time until the 'dark forces' around my house are completely gone. How does that work, me putting my life on hold for other people all the time? How is that fair? It's not my fault that my sister chose that guy to marry; so how should I be held responsible for that? They never took my opinion under consideration. How do you know that I'll get to meet my future soulmate after clearing out some bad stuff at home? Why must I wait that long for that??
You often tell both of us to stay positive. Have you been listening to yourself lately? You often lecture people about moving on, yet you still can't accept the fact that things don't always go your way. You keep on complaining about the same old things, how some people don't like you and love to bring you down. Well, guess what? We all have them. Whether they like it or not, they exist. There's no such thing as a 'zero-enemy policy'. No matter how good we are, there'll always be those who dislike us and all that jazz. That's life, so please get over it.
Again, I choose to believe in God. Nothing personal. I know you care about us, but there are times when you need to just let things go.
I'm worried about my family, especially Dad. However, there are times when I need to take care of myself first - and I don't think that's selfish. Let's just be realistic here; I'm not a superhero. I'm only human. I can't be strong all the time; I also need a break. It's not fair putting all the loads on my shoulder. That doesn't mean I don't love any of them, or want to run away. I'm still watching out for them, even from afar - and I don't need to prove that to anyone.
I've made up my mind about Bali, about moving and working there next year. I've already got my parents' approval, and that's what I'm holding on to from now on. The whole world can accuse me of being selfish and heartless as they please. If something ever happens to Dad while I'm away, God forbid, it's not my fault; it's fate. After all, guilt trip is not sincere love. You have to learn to let it go. It's all in God's hands.
Forgive my silence. I'm just so tired.
R.
