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2012-02-14 - 3:58 p.m.

They say love is the most beautiful thing on earth. It's what makes the whole world go round and erase all your frowns. There have been countless definitions of love, but not all of them work for everybody. It is not merely my all-time cynicism or skepticism. It's just how reality works.

At some part, I still do (want to) believe in love. Yes, I really do. I mean, if God didn't love me this much, then I wouldn't still be here today. He wouldn't give me so many second chances in life which I'm not sure I really deserve. All I have to do is be grateful for the life I've been given so far, right? We only live once. Why don't we just make the most of it - in positive ways, of course?

If my family didn't love me this much, I don't know where and how I'd be by now. Sounds overly dramatic to you? I don't think so. I've witnessed so many miracles that come simply from a mother's prayers. Why not?

How about friends? Well, I am glad that I've met so many amazing people who have put up with my craziness over the past years.:P I don't know whether they're crazy enough to keep sticking around for me - or they just have such great tolerance over my 'freakish' side. Either way, I can't thank them enough.

Romance?

Alright, there are reasons why I ended up calling myself a wallflower:

"I want to know what love is...I want you to show me..." (Foreigner)

I've always loved that song. Anyway, I have already accepted the fact that - even at this age - I know nothing about romance. Seriously. All teenage and adult life, I've been nothing more but a wallflower in the world of romance. (Sometimes I wonder if I tend to exaggerate it.)

You may think I'm pathetic, but I no longer give a damn. I am so damn good at being alone/single that a lot of people think I don't need anybody at all. Well, what can I say? That's the only way I know to survive, so far. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. Be Ms.Independent.

Should I change myself - JUST to please them or prove them wrong? No, I don't need that. I don't even want that. I only know how to be myself. If they can't stand me for that, then I'm sorry. I'm not responsible for their 24/7 happiness. I'm not that strong, generous, and stupid.

"Maybe it's the relationship that you don't believe in. I know you still believe in love," one of my very insightful best friends once told me that. Either way, I am not ashamed to say that I know nothing about romance. I know nothing about being a girlfriend, because nobody has ever really given me a chance - even when they claimed they care. Some people I know might think of me as romantic, but still...I don't think that has nothing to do with romance. After all, being a wallflower means standing at the corner - or up against the wall - and just watching the other couples dance. Enjoying the music, while admiring the view with a bit of a single's envy.

However, I am also aware that romance is more than just one slow dance. Once the song is over, what's the next step? Will you continue dancing for some more, or will you leave the floor? Will your partner stay, or do you have to part ways? Are you brave and confident enough for your solo performance?

That's just the same thing with relationships, I guess. So far, I have only been the audience to other people's drama. I don't know how to change that. All I see is that sometimes falling in love feels like being an amateur stuntman/stuntwoman. It's that leap of faith you take, not knowing whether there'll be a safety net somewhere down there. Even if there is, how strong will it be to catch your fall? Only God knows.

Do I feel lonely? Sometimes. I'm not going to be a total hypocrite about that, although I still believe that feeling alone in the crowd - especially the most familiar faces - is the worst kind of feeling.

Should I feel sad? Not really. Why would I? The only feelings I can recognize these days are these:

Cold. Distant. Displaced.

I only know the heartbreak, and the emptiness that lingers. But then again, so what?

R.

 

 

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