2011-08-26 - 8:18 p.m.
It's been a while since the last time I wrote in here, eh?:P I meant to return sooner, but some things had kept me away. Reality's been making me busy. It's a hectic life out there.
We're about to reach the end of Ramadan this year. Here I am now, with a flood of thoughts as usual. Where do I begin? Hmm, let's see.
I find myself standing at the crossroad again, all in my mental picture. Which path I must choose next? Where does that lead me to? Will there be regrets or something better that awaits? Is it safe?
All that jazz. Nothing new.
Well, do you believe in a chain of events? I do. It's the moment where we can say: 'If I hadn't met that person/done this, I would...'(fill in the blank according to your own personal experience as you may.:P)
There are a lot of things I can write about that. For now, just a few.
I'm still searching for other chances to broaden my horizon, while maintaining my writing career. (Which I haven't really done in a good way lately.:|) Don't get me wrong. I love my job now. Despite the low salary, it's the most convenient job I've got so far. I love the challenges and have met many good friends and interesting colleagues along the way.
I think I've already seen it all. I don't forget the real purpose I took the job in the first place - three years ago. It's been fun.:) I've been on both sides of the table there, because I've been a student too as a child.
The funny thing is, I come from a long line of teachers in my family (my father's side, mostly), but had hardly thought about following the same path until the time I met my friends Patrick and Hani.:D So, I could say that if I hadn't met both of them, I wouldn't have thought of becoming a teacher myself. I always remember the light in their eyes when they talked about their teaching jobs.
Pretty ironic, eh?:P Especially since I was also an odd and academically troubled student.
I hate to admit this, but I've somehow found myself growing emotionally attached to...Lovely Tony. No, it's not an infatuation or a silly crush like that. He's seriously good-looking, I know, but obviously off-limits. He's in a relationship, and...not interested in women. Enough said.*big evil grin*
I don't know why. Maybe it's the quiet mornings we often spend together at work. We talk about work, life, and joke around too. (Well, at least the last one is enough to make us smile, laugh, and feel less sleepy.) We also throw comments on FB. What else?
Maybe it's just something I miss. There's something brotherly about him, the way I often feel about my pal Al...and sometimes Tiger too. (He even sounds like Tiger when he speaks sometimes - even with a different accent.)
He feels like the rainbow, or the morning sunshine itself.:) Maybe that's what I've been missing about myself lately, which I somehow can find in him. It's the sense of lightness, positivity and enthusiasm. I mean, when he went to Bali for a short holiday, I found myself staring at the mirror and asking these questions:
"When was the last time you had a holiday? A REAL holiday, where you don't have to worry about anything or anyone but yourself? Just let loose and be YOU under no microscopes of scrutiny and judgements for a while. At all. No expectations or demands. No accusations for being selfish."
Is it selfish to do so? Everybody needs a break, right?
Like me, Lovely Tony has a personal career goal as well. I still want to become an author. He wants to open his own business. A bakery.:D
I know he's not staying at the school for long. He's already told me that in one of our conversations. I feel kind of sad knowing that, but I understand that he needs to do what makes him happy. Besides, he's right. Life's too short. I fear stagnation. I don't want to end up getting myself stuck in the same place, with nowhere to go. We've got to do what we've got to do to gain something better, right?
I still have dreams.
"When that day comes," I said, referring to the day his last contract ends (which is sometime this December *snifs*), "I'm going to miss our morning conversations."
He smiled at that. I smiled back at him and added, "I'm serious."
Do you remember the prayer I've made before Ramadan this year? It's still the same.
Linda once asked me how I'd been doing lately. My answer? Fine, as long I don't have to deal with love that leads nowhere.
"Why?" She'd looked concerned.
"My relationship with love/romance is as good as an agnostic's with God."
Yep. Scary but true. At least I still have the guts to admit that and address the issue. You can tell me not to be like that. You can call me pathetic. I don't care.
All I still believe is that only God can change that for me. I mean, I still believe that love exists, but only when it happens to other people but me. For me these days, it's just too damn good to be true. I only know that it can always break your heart. I am so damn good at getting my heart broken that I start wondering whether love is really worth it or not.
Who's this guy anyway? How can he be so sure that I am the missing point in his life? We've never even met for real, for God's sake! He could be either a stalker, a lonely broken Romeo, or another modern version of Phantom of The Opera.
Still, he sounds genuine. Should I trust my gut? Oh, wait. What does it tell me??
Is it love, a mere distraction, or just another mean joke preying on the same, easy victim?
Some test of faith, eh?:|
The Author
