2011-05-20 - 9:04 p.m.
Last night, I finally printed out my thirty poems in English and handed them to Mom. I don't know how she might react to them, although she's read a piece or two. If she really is serious about helping me to get them published for real, then we shall see.:)
Meanwhile, I'm on to more term break projects.:) Anything to keep myself busy, that is.
Still, I couldn't help but re-reading every poem I'd written since 2009. I felt like opening the same, old Pandora's box - tracing back, down the (jagged) memory lane.
Don't worry, I didn't cry or anything like that. I just went dead quiet, feeling nothing more but cold. Have I somehow gone officially numb...again?
I decided to push that aside. Whatever. Heartbreak sucks and love has been more like chaos in my life so far. Why would I want to risk myself for that again? I mean, why the hell should I?
I've been fine on my own before. There's no reason why I can't be fine now.
Recently, I've read woman's letter from a local magazine. Here's the translation:
"This year, I am turning 30 and still single. All this time, my main focus has been on career only. It started when my little sister came up with her plan to get married in the near future. My parents are literally 'freaking out', because I haven't come up with the same plan as well. At last, I was introduced to a guy whom is still a distant relative. But, after a few dates, I've learned about his short-comings. He often 'openly' stares at other women while I am around. He also often compares me to other women whom he finds more attractive. I badly want to back off of this unpleasant relationship, but my family told me not to. My heart keeps saying that he is no good for me. How do I get my family to listen to me and understand my choice? Thanks."
And here is the columnist's response:
"Learn to say no to an unacceptable situation like this. I am sure that honesty is still the best policy. It is hard, especially knowing that your family has put such high expectations on you and this relationship with him. However, in order not to cause your family a great deal of disappointment with this rejection, you need a strategy. Give yourself a chance to go along a bit more. No need to be too blatant about this. Take it easy as you observe his entire attitude and the whole situation. That way, you will gather all the positive and negative aspects about him. Once you feel that your data is close to accuracy, then you may express your disagreement to your family. Speaking based on facts will earn you a credit. Don't rush into a final decision yet, because it may backfire you and you'll take the blame. I am sure this will be a valuable experience for you. Convince your family that it is okay for you if your little sister is getting married first."
Sounds strange to you? Well, that's common here.
It's all about the 'status'. Some people even told me that: "It doesn't matter if you don't really love the guy, as long as he loves you." (Which unfortunately will make the girl sound like an ungrateful bitch to them if she rejects him, because...ooh, she'll break the poor guy's heart. However, it is okay for a guy to reject a nice girl, because...hey, he is entitled to do that, remember? Right?? Right???)
Or, they could tell me something like this: "It's okay if you don't really love the guy, as long as you're married." (Sure, I mean - who really gives a damn about what women want, or how they feel?)
*deep sigh*
I'm sorry.:( I'm just sick of it. Do I dread the same possibility? No need to ask that.
And I can understand if you don't get the picture. Only those in the same shoes really do.:(
I only want to deal with love again if it is really, really worth it (and don't forget, if MY HEART is really, really in it.) Otherwise, forget it.:|
And I hope that lady makes the right decision - for her sake.:| After all, love can't be compelled. That's still my motto.
The Romantically-Challenged Author
