2011-03-11 - 7:09 p.m.
I meant to get back at you sooner. (That, if you're still reading.:P) I've been busy with the students' report cards. I also haven't finished all my writing projects yet.
After what feels like quite a long time, I've finally received a chance to teach night classes again - starting next week.:D Alhamdulillah. God has answered my prayers again. I've wanted to stay busy, remember? Staying still and doing nothing can drive me crazy!
I've been having another weird dream for the past few days. I was facing a computer screen - typing vigorously. I could see all the familiar websites I normally frequent.
However, nothing came up from what I was typing. I mean, I could log on to the sites and type the e-mail addresses I wanted to send something to. The problem was when I wanted to type my message.
Nothing came up on screen. No words, no letters. Nothing. The same thing happened when I tried to start a blog entry. Nothing. No matter how hard I typed, the result was still the same.
I stared at one e-mail address I'm familiar with in the real life. Something invisible, sharp and cold rushed past my heart. My vision blurred. Warm tears started in my eyes...
Wait. I was crying??:O
The dream always ended there. I woke up, still feeling the cold.
Why was I always crying in the dream? Was it because I couldn't type what I wanted? (What did I want to type, anyway?) Was it because I badly wanted to send a message?
Pretty creepy, to my surprise.
Come to think of it, maybe I'm not supposed to be too exhausted.:P
Perhaps that dream was another reflection of my fear/anxiety/whatever you'd like to call it. Maybe I had a lot to write, but didn't know where to start. Or, I was afraid that no matter how much I wrote, it still wouldn't do good anyway. (But to what??)
Oh, well. I should find out which 'clutters' in my head that had been causing this strange dream.:P
Anyway, besides that - I've also spotted an interesting vacancy from Cambridge.:D I'm giving it a try.
Mz.D said we should arrange our schedules to try out "The CSI: Experience" together sometime next week, before it closes on March 20. We'll see.
My brother's broken up with his girlfriend Dindi since last long holiday.:( I like her. What can I say?*shrugs* Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how good they seem. She started dating another much older guy now. He's coping reasonably with it. He has to.
Sometimes I wish I could be tough like my brother. He's not the type to talk about it easily. He's still hurting, I can tell. But he remains friends with her. Good boy.
You know, I understand that people are different. There are some who openly admit that they can't stand being single. They always have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend (be in a relationship). That's even more fortunate for them if they can find a new one pretty fast after their previous break-up. That's good, really. Lucky for them.
What sometimes annoys me is that, just because that happens easily to them, they simply think that the same fate works wonders on other people too. I mean, I get that. I'm not going to be a hypocrite about it. All normal people need that. We all long for someone to love and us to be loved in return. I know that, perhaps because they are happy with their relationships - they want others to be like them too.
"Find someone new, like I did," they usually say. "If I can, then so can you. You should try that too."
What is this? A competition? If trying doesn't work out or the result is always disastrously the same, there are two answers they tend to give you. It's either "You're not trying hard enough" or "You're trying too hard." Go ahead.*sneers* Take your pick. One way or another, the meaning is still the same: "You're not doing it right." Fine, so they're the experts.*rolls eyes*
"Maybe there's something in you that you need to change first" or "It's all about the attitude, dear." Ha! There they are. More common statements to make people in this situation feel more insecure. Maybe those aren't intended as an offense, but here's the thing: I don't change for other people but myself alone, thank you very much. I'm not a puppet on someone's Goddamned string! If I changed in order to meet some guy's requirements for a beautiful girlfriend and ditched my true personality for the sake of 'winning him over', then wouldn't I be lying to myself?
You could be the person with the nicest attitude ever, and still got yourself overlooked and second-guessed. (Believe me.) No kidding, but how come? It's all about meeting the right person at the right time. It lies within God's Hands. I mean, you could try with all your might, but what if He said, "Not yet"? What would you do?
Honestly, I detest the 'attitude' reason (although it is right - but not the ONLY thing that factors!) They easily pick up on that, maybe because: a) either they don't have a serious problem in finding someone or, b) they simply forget (or choose to) how it once felt to walk in these shoes.
Don't get me wrong. I don't resent people with relationships. I'm not anti-relationship. I'm just...romantically-challenged. (Seriously, how many people out there would admit something like this?)
Up to now, I'm still looking for answers. More than once I've felt like turning my back on love and walking away, wondering what can happen from there. I mean, isn't relationship a two-person job?
"You need to have faith."
Oh, but I do. I know I won't suffer too much in my solitude. It's been a major part of me for years and...look, I still exist.
I only lack faith in love. Only God can help me with that. And He will...in time. I do have faith in Him.
Everyone should maintain their good sides and fight off their bad ones for the rest of their lives.
That's why I just nodded when my dear brother decided to take some time off on his own. Some people need more time to heal. Does that make them weak? No. Just different. We all deal with grief, heartache, rejection, separation, etc. differently.
This is my way.
Btw, I've won a lot of free novels from SPICE! that I don't need to shop for books again for this entire year.:D YAY!
There are eight, because I gave the ninth - Karen Rose's "Nothing To Fear" - to Gigi. I've already owned and read it.
I can't wait to start reading the exciting thrillers.:D The romance novels?*shudders* I'll read them when I'm mentally fit again.:P
Speaking of romance novels, I spotted a quirky title at a local bookstore which made me gag a little.:P I forgot the author, but it's a chick-lit called "Jennifer Johnson (Johnston or Jones??) Is Sick Of Being Single". It's a typical story of a 30-year-old chubby gal who frets about not having a boyfriend for the 'show-and-tell' at her younger sister's wedding.
Want to know what I think?
Hello, Bridget Jones.:P
I can still with people who say, "That's okay, don't worry too much about it" or "Relax, you'll also find someone soon."
Hypothetically, if I ever wrote my own chick-lit, it would probably go like this:
"Romantically-Challenged"
(by....well, Me :P)
("I know nothing of love. I do know heartache...too damn well.
"I hate the sound of my heart when that happens. It skips a lot of beats that even the most amateurish musician might refuse to put a single tune to it. I sometimes call it 'my personal, chaotic music'. It doesn't make butterflies dance in my stomach, because they crash into each other really hard.
"Everytime that happens, all my logics fly out of the window. The image of him takes over every frame in my mind's eye. I can play the loudest heavy metal in my I-Pod while being alone in my room...and still hear his voice too, like a taunting ghost.
"In the end, what I even hate more always happens. Imagine having your Swarovski crystal tossed from the top of the building. Imagine the sound of a C-4 being set off. Boom!
"I know I'm exaggerating, because I'm the only one who can hear my heart break. It's just like that. Ouch.
"That is why I am signing up for this program. I have to make sure that never happens again."
Meet Rianna (not the singer!) - an energetic workaholic. Sick and tired of the same heartbreak, she joins RCA (Romantically-Challenged Anonymous), where she crosses path with Jay, a prince charming with an artistic, sensitive soul. They soon click, but will Broken Romeo and Skeptic Juliet manage to pull it off and go against all odds?)
And I don't know if that story will rock...or suck.*big evil grin*
The Author/SBF/QB
