2011-02-19 - 8:30 p.m.
Just like last Saturday night, I'm not going anywhere tonight. I'm broke and it's still another week of work before my next salary.:P How annoying. I wonder why the bills come faster than the salary.
Well, at least I get to finish my writings.:)
Speaking of Saturday night, I had an interesting conversation with my friend Ro last week. (And sometime in the middle, my best friend called to tell me that he was not angry with me anymore and that I was forgiven.:) Thank you.)
Ro:"Let me get this straight. It's Saturday night there, and you're talking to an old guy from the internet?"
Me:"Hey, I'm dateless! I can do whatever I want.:P"
For an odd reason, that sort of reminds me of "The Holiday" (one of the very few chick-flicks I really like.*big evil grin*) You know, the part where Iris Simpkins (Kate Winslet) is having dinner with an old movie director named Arthur.
Ro sounds a bit like Arthur too sometimes. Once he commented one of my poems with: "The world is a stage and you are the leading lady." That was flattering.:) That sounds almost the same when Arthur told Iris that she was actually the leading lady (but often acting like a best friend.)
I've never had this sort of conversation with Dad. I don't know why. Different people and cultures, perhaps.*shrugs*
Ro:"And I'm glad you can.:D"
Me:"Besides, I'm also sending job apps and writings.:P"
Ro:"And I'm glad you are.;)"
That's me.:) I must keep myself busy and stay productive, no matter what. I know that the real world doesn't always give a damn about your bad days. You do what you've got to do to survive and stay...you.
Still, in my darkest and weakest moments, I sometimes can't help but wonder why:
Me:"I still wonder why love and I don't get along."
Ro:"Maybe...you're trying too hard?"
That's funny, because if he says that to some people here, they'll disagree and tell them otherwise. Even my own mother told me, "You're not trying hard enough."
Oh, hey. Do you know what? That's how most conservative people treat women like me here. Does that mean I am liberal? Hmm, I'm not sure. I think I'm kind of in-between-ish. Society's demands can be suffocating as hell. For example, this year...I'm turning thirty. That's unavoidable.
If you meet the same type of people, you know what comes next in my situation. The same old 'M'(marriage) questions. The pressure gets tougher if you're still single (or, always have been like me - most of the time.*shrugs*) They think you should find someone soon. They make it sound as if it's as quick and easy as finding and purchasing a new pair of shoes at your local department store/mall.*rolls eyes* Call me a cynic as you wish, and I won't give a shit. Yes, I am - and that's how they see it, which annoys me a lot at times. (And come on, you can't possibly expect me to go uninfluenced all the time. I'm trying, and sometimes it's exhausting to keep your tough exterior. Sometimes all you want from them is to just shut the hell up and leave you alone, because - let's face it. Their criticism only brings you a headache, not a solution.:P)
When I try and fail, they still blame me. They say I'm doing it wrong. Some say I'm not trying hard enough. The funny thing is, there are other people who think I'm trying too hard. (Wait, which one is right??)
Honestly, I hate the thought of being desperate. I never want to be that pathetic. Yuck. Yuck. And once again...yuck.:|
One way or another, I'll never win this, will I? It's like, no matter what I do, I'm still not good enough.
Do you know what? Screw this. I'm just going to put a pause on 'love' again. Just like before. Easy. Don't you dare call me a quitter, for love has always quit on me. Besides, there are still more doable priorities on my bucket list. It's not the end of the world. See? I can be sensible again.
Ro:"Do you care about what they say? Do you even need one?"
Me:"I know what I don't need, though. I don't need to fall in love with the wrong guys all over again. Enough is enough."
Ro:"Maybe it's just not the time yet."
Me:"Maybe, but I still challenge God about this."
Ro:"He loves challenges."
Indeed.
"I want to know what it's li-i-ike...on the insi-i-ide or lo-o-ove..."
Up until now, I still see myself as an anomali in a foreign world called 'love'. I'm a wallflower in its grand hall. I don't know if it will ever change in the future, but - at least - there are things I'm glad about me today:
I'm still alive and free. I'm as independent as I can be. I'm not suicidal, because God loves me.:)
The Author/SBF/QB
