2011-02-12 - 8:01 p.m.
I had another strange dream again. It was a scary nightmare.
I dreamed of becoming invisible, like Suzie Salmon in "The Lovely Bones". I watched all the people I know live their lives as if I wasn't there at all. As if I didn't exist.
And my pictures were missing too...
Then suddenly, one of them started noticing me. I saw a pair of big, dark eyes - boring into me. His flashing, angry eyes - froze me in place.
But not for long. The next thing I knew, I sensed smoke coming around me. I looked down at my hands.
Blue blaze was consuming them.
I was on fire. My whole body burst in flames. It didn't hurt. I was burning but I didn't feel the heat.
I looked at him again. He was still glaring at me. There was obvious pain in his eyes. I slowly closed my eyes, letting my tears fall. I couldn't even stand the thought of causing him that. I had.
I'm sorry. My anger has been uncontrollable and senseless. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I've ever hurt you that way. I just know I still can't forgive myself for what I've done. I don't know if I ever will, although you told me you have.
From now on, this will always be my burning conscience...
I woke up feeling dazed. Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to have finally shaken it off. I have to keep functioning normally in the real world. I still can.
I've never really given much of a thought about anger management, but maybe I should start doing that now. Otherwise, I might keep hurting more people far worse than intended. God, I'm even scared of myself when I'm angry.
Speaking of scared, I have to deal with my own personal fears too. There are many things, actually. I've let myself get heavily affected by other people's problems - here and in the real world too - that I often forget about taking care of myself.
Long ago, I thought anger management had only had something to do with eradicating it. How can you do that, when you've been taught not to have it in the first place? How, when you've been too afraid to acknowledge it yourself?
I used to think it was a sign of weakness. It was like, letting people get their powers over your feelings and emotions. (Like how you say, "What you did really hurt me.") Well, now I know that sometimes I do need to do that - in a healthier way. Otherwise, it'll drive me crazy once again. It'll eat me up from inside. It has so many times before.:(
Never try to bury anything - even the hatchet - unless you're absolutely sure it's 100% dead and it stays that way. If not, there's no guarantee everyone around you is safe from harm when you get yourself emotionally exhausted and lose all your marbles. Please, don't even give yourself a b.s. excuse about not wanting to hurt the people you love with your anger. That's not healthy. That's no kindness nor mercy. That's delay. No matter how good, people are still capable of hurting others too - intentionally or else. Me? When it comes to the people I really love, I hurt them out of pure, temporary anger - never a permanent hatred. I never want to do that, but sometimes I can't help it. That's my weakness. I've acknowledged and admitted that.
I'm angry that I've let my feelings run way too deep and get the best of me. Words can hurt you if you only let them. I have failed in that. I'm also angry that I've let myself become too emotionally attached to people. That wasn't supposed to happen. That wasn't a sign of independence.
However, I'm not angry at anybody else but me. Until I can work this out, I'm not supposed to get too close to other people. It's not safe for them, even when I love them so much.
Dear God, I don't want to hurt him anymore, so it's best that he never deals with me anymore. Long ago, I'd promised him that I'd never want to let anybody hurt him - even if that person was me.
Now I have to live the consequences of breaking that promise. I'm not afraid. I can't be.
My friend Shanti once told me that good people aren't the ones to make zero mistakes. That's too impossible. She said only clear conscience and a strong, genuine will to make amends show whether you're good or...else.
She said some people tend to go along with their sense of apathy, claiming that once it's all been done - they can't/won't change/be changed. It's too late, they will say. They also stop caring about other people's feelings.
Good people are forever haunted by the biggest, most fatal mistakes of their lives. They don't always dwell or wallow in their misery. They still function normally in the real world. However, they carry their guilt as reminders - guidelines to help them to watch their step next time. Although the other people they've hurt say they're forgiven, they still have a hard time forgiving themselves. They're not even sure if God's forgiven them too, no matter how many times they pray.
Come to think of it, this is also a wake-up call for me. There are times when we love people too much that we tend to forget about God's love for us. I know He doesn't need our love; we do need His. I'm not supposed to love any mortals more than I love Him. Other than that, they might get taken away from me - one way or another.
Which one am I now? Sorry, I don't dare answer that now. I let people decide, based on how I treat them.
I also have to deal with my own personal fears. It's about time that I restored the balance.
Just like anger, I have to acknowledge my fears first before knowing what to do with them. I used to think that pretending they never existed was the way. That doesn't seem to work wonders anymore.
I don't fear solitude. However, I have a hard time reaching out to people/expressing that I need them. I fear that every guy I've ever loved will always go away. I fear that it's true - maybe guys don't look that deep. (I hope not.)
I fear that I might lose the ability to fall in love - and love someone completely as I have before. I fear the same, deep emotional attachment will ruin me and my sense of independence again. And hurt other people in the end with that too.
Now I've got to do something serious about all this. I don't know how yet, but I will find a way...
The Author/SBF/QB
