Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

2011-01-21 - 7:56 p.m.

For the first time in my entire life, I find it very difficult to write. However, I still have to try - since this is really important.

I'd been trying to avoid Dad's eye contact. He's been a stroke patient for two years now and I must be careful not to let him pick up any negative emotions - especially from me. If he gets too emotionally overwhelmed, sometimes it can cause him to have...seizures.:| A few times it got worse that we had to use an oxygen mask to help him to breathe again.

I didn't know what got to him this morning. I was passing him by when he suddenly grabbed my arm. We locked eyes for a moment. Instantly I knew.

He demanded an explanation, regardless the risk for his health. There was unusually sheer determination in his eyes. How could he tell? I don't know. Some sort of a parental instinct, maybe?

"Dad, I'm okay."

He wouldn't let go. Obviously, he didn't buy it.

"Dad..." That's when I lost it. Something warm started in my eyes. "Daddy, I've done something truly horrible. So despicable that now I've lost my best friend." His eyes widened in disbelief when I mentioned the name. "He hates me for good."

His lips quivered and his shoulders began to shake. His mouth was moving, and I could tell what he was trying to say:

No, it can't be. No.

"Yes, Daddy." Just like a bad habit, I'd broken another promise not to cry in front of him, no matter how horrible the situation was. To make matters worse, he started crying too - silently. "Yes, it is. This time I've hurt him the worst way any other freak like me could ever do but barely think of. Now he's completely lost his trust in me and never wants anything to do with me anymore. I know I deserve that, Daddy. I'm afraid I've become the worst friend in the world and there's no going back in that. I'm not proud of what I did." Then I did what I normally don't do, even when I was a child. I hugged the crying old man as we both were in tears. "I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm so sorry. I've already apologized to him but I'm afraid it's way too late now. I've screwed up big time. I'm sorry. I never do anything right. I always say the wrong things I never should. It doesn't matter that I didn't mean to hurt him. The fact is I really did. So bad. Now it's only God's rare miracle that can make us friends again, and I'm afraid I'll never get that. I don't deserve any of that anymore. I'm so sorry..."

='-(...

I've lost my best friend two days before his 25th birthday. How? I've written a not-so-fictional story which has seriously offended him because one of the characters was too much like him. He saw that as a personal betrayal to our six-year-old friendship.:( It looked as if I'd been so bloody judgmental, when in fact it was just my own silly issue of disagreement. Because despite of everything, I knew I had no right to tell him what to do - so I'd kept quiet until I wrote that.

However, there's nothing justifiable about what I'd done. I'm not going to argue with that. I'm also not going to defend myself or try to make myself look less guilty or more pitiful. Most of all, I'm not going to beg him to forgive me and give me another chance to be a better friend. It's already way too late for that anyway. I'm forever doomed in my own personal hell.

I've never got a chance to explain more to him, but I guess it no longer matters now. He's heard enough of me. He's had it. He's made up his mind, and I won't blame him for that. He's got all the rights in the world. One last shot in the head, and I'm as good as dead.

If you ask me what I want, I'm not going to lie to you.

I'll do anything to get my best friend back. If only he knew that I never meant to make him feel like he was only to complete my plot. That I never meant to sound like a jealous, insecure bitch. I admit that I often get myself too carried away emotionally. Brutal honesty has the most expensive price to pay. I couldn't afford it, so I had to lose him this way.

If there's God's rare miracle that can make him at least forgive me, then He must be way too kind to me. However, if that day never comes, then I shall live the rest of my life bearing this inconsolable, unrepentant regret.

I guess I'll never be able to wish him happy birthday anymore, unless silently. I never thought it would ever come to this, but this is my reality now. I'm living with this awful sin.

Goodbye. I'm sorry...='-(

The Author/SBF/QB

 

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!