2010-12-31 - 3:15 p.m.
Dear God,
I know that I haven't been good lately. In fact, not in a very long time. I'm sorry.:( I know that with these faulty attitudes of mines, there's a strong possibility that You might not want to save me a spot in the afterlife's heaven. I should think about that harder.
My countless gratitude always goes out to You, for still allowing us to live on this earth for another year - despite the horrid damages we keep on causing here.:|
I normally don't celebrate New Year that much. Why? Aside from the fact that I'm not exactly a party-goer, it all depends on the crowd I can tag along with. Besides, that's not the point. It's all about reflecting our past mistakes and making new promises to keep in the future - promises that hopefully will make us better people. It sounds cliche, I know, but most of us do that.
Then what about me?
Is that a selfish question? Does that make me sound ungrateful to You, after all You've given me? Am I asking too much?
I don't make too many ambitious-yet-impossible resolutions. I'll stick to being more realistic like what I've kept doing for the past few years. Earning more money is still my number one. Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not that materialistic. I've got a lot to support beside my own personal dreams. My father is still sick.
I'm not sure if this one is also a part of my resolutions.
They say patience is a virtue. Well, they can say my level of patience is beyond normal. (Or is it?) Maybe some people are destined to wait longer than others for this. Unfortunately, I've seen others wait forever without getting anything from it, even after they'd tried their hardest. Does that make them special? Does it mean there's something horribly wrong with them that only You can fix?
Oh, shit. I'm trying my hardest not to cry again while writing this. I've been pretty good with myself so far. Why ruin this with the same old weakness once again? Right??
Or am I just being too hard on myself again, as usual? Is it always me?
They say love always makes you happy. Lucky for them. It usually does. Normally, it sends eternal warmth inside you whenever you think about it. Every time you feel it.
Somehow, it always works in reverse for me. The hideous opposite. It either runs my blood cold or boils it. It sends me down to the same old mental hell in the end, a dark, solitary room where there's only me and the constant, mysterious evil laughter. It makes me want to break the walls down, only so I can breathe normally again. Be normal.
Have I ever been normal all my life? Am I fooling myself? This feels far from it. I'm sure most of them will tell You that, although I don't know how You might react to that.
"You're such a freak that nobody will ever want to be with you!"
Did he really meant that, God? Has he been keeping his regrets in his silence? They say every parent's words to you are prayers - especially the angry ones. If that's the case, do You agree with him that You somehow have granted his by making every guy I've ever loved go away? Let me know if I'm wrong, because I keep on seeing the same signs.
It's like, I'm much better and happier if I stay the hell away from...love. Is it true? Is it normal? How long will this last, God? I can't let my mother know this. Even though she and I barely see eye-to-eye these days, the fact that one of her kids have somehow lost their faith in love will surely break her heart. She's had enough in her head already. She doesn't need this. I'm not supposed to make it worse.
"Why are you being so weird?"
If I hear another guy say that to my face again, I swear I'm going to punch him in the face, God. I'm not joking.
You see, this is why I told my best friend that I held no one responsible for my pain. I don't want to taint other people's picture-perfect paintings with that. Not many of them can ever really understand me that much, even when I try my best to understand them. After all, I'm not supposed to expect too much, right? Silence has always been easy.
However, please do me a favour, God. Don't let me fall in love again, if in the end You know there's nothing left for me. Just don't, okay? No matter how wonderful the guy really is. I mean it. I'm sorry to say this, but I'm sick to death of being overlooked. I don't need anymore disasters. If I only get myself hurt again in the end, is that the kind of love I must believe in? Nothing but a mean joke to me?
I don't mind solitude. I know I still exist in it. If You want me to stick to it, then fine. I'll play by Your script on my part. Unless You show me a rare miracle I'm really meant for, I don't even want anything to do with love anymore.
Please, don't let love hurt me anymore. I only beg You to spare me the all-too familiar agony...
The Author/SBF/QB
