2010-10-20 - 8:26 p.m.
It is no secret that I am a love cynic these days.:P I listen to love songs with minor interest/lack of enthusiasm/major disinterest/whatever. I also prefer horror/thriller movies and TV shows over light, romantic ones. (Speaking of which, Halloween is coming and they have lots to watch on TV.*big evil grin* I don't celebrate, just enjoy the excess of it.)
No, I am not saying that with a sense of (icky) pride.:P It is just a regular statement with lack of emotions involved. Besides, if you have ever been in my shoes when it comes to love department, I am sure you would know that feeling too much about a lot of things (and also people) always has a risk of getting yourself hurt in the end. You can say I am also a skeptic and I won't argue with that.
I don't need any of that. I deserve better. I know I do.
That is why focusing on more logical things feel much safer.:) There are a lot of things I still want to do. Traveling. Writing more and earning more from it. Singing and going indie with it.(My songwriting skill still sucks badly and I must re-learn playing some musical instruments.:P) Hunting for scholarships, even if it is only for a three-month course. Getting a higher college degree too. Learning another foreign language while advancing my English skill.
You see, there are a lot of other positive things we can do in the world while we still have the time, energy, and enthusiasm. Chances we can find. Anything. Come to think of it, sometimes love isn't that bad when it comes to taking care of yourself - always. I should never, ever forget my old principles.
Never rely your true happiness on other mortals, no matter how kind they all seem and despite the sweet words they ever tell you. It is not an issue of distrust of paranoia. It is how reality works. True love only comes from God.
Things change. So do people. It is unavoidable. There is no use in wondering why. All you can do is survive - alone or else.*shrugs*
Why am I writing this topic again, although I have tried avoiding it for damn too many times already?
I guess I can't ignore the 'signs', or whatever the hell you'd like to call them. I have already killed the romantic side of me long ago, and I don't know if she'll ever come back to life.
I am one of the so many late twenty-something, single ladies in Indonesia who (have to) struggle against society's biased perception and judgement out there. Hell, I will turn 29 next month and I just want to live free as me.:P Some other ladies have complained to me that it's not easy. I know. I suppose that's always been the idea for this whole thing. I have watched some of them giving into social demands about 'what women their age are supposed to do', despite their true principles. They tie the knots despite what truly lies within their hearts. It is all about what other people think of them if they are still single.(As if it is even such a hideous crime. Ugh.*rolls eyes*) Yes, society can be cruel and judgemental. They can also be highly insensitive and irresponsible to the feelings of their favourite bullying targets. Even local author/feminist Ayu Utami wrote in one of her essays:"Old maids(unmarried women) tend to act bitchy on other women - especially the beautiful and the married ones - because they have social scars inflicted by biased society."
And a bigger part of 'that' society still thinks it is their fault.*sneers* I know there never is a good reason for being bitchy, but what happens to 'listening to both sides of the story'?
I also know a girlfriend who just can't stand loneliness.:P It's like, she has to have a boyfriend in order to make herself feel happy and self-worthy - or else she feels miserable as hell.*rolls eyes* That is why she somehow puts up with being mistreated by one jerk after another. Why, oh, why? No idea.*shrugs*
I am not a hypocrite. Sometimes loneliness sucks, although some people choose the easy way out by assuming that I am some freaky, stuck-up Miss Independent who needs no one at her side.(Nothing new.) Then again, so what? I have never asked for any of this shit. I have always tried my best, but still it was never really (good) enough. Love has never really given me a chance.
Meanwhile, I can still do something constructive and more productive.:)*shrugs*
Okay, so the movie called "Eat, Pray, Love" is out now, based on an autobiography of (and by) Elizabeth Gilbert. I know Julia Roberts is the leading lady. There are also Billy Crudup, Javier Bardem(sp?), James Franco, and also my favourite local actress Christine Hakim.:D
Gigi said the movie paced too slow and boring - even for a drama. I have read the review, but am not that interested to read or watch it.(Well, unless for Christine Hakim, that is.)
Although I admire her independent spirit (especially with her traveling decisions), I can't help but wonder:
Is it true that love can always make you happy? Is it really everything? Is it even enough?
I have also read Samuel Mulia's latest column where his colleague shares him this quote:
"Relationship is not about how much love you build at first, but how much love you will have gained in the end."
Oooh...*shudders* How come that sounds creepier than horror movies?:P Oh, wait. I was just making a lame joke.
A colleague also once asked me this funny question:
"Which would you prefer - a physical pain or a heartbreak?"
I blinked. Nobody wants to get hurt but...well...
"What's your choice?"
"Heartbreak."
Oh. "Why?"
"Because I can find the cure from praying to God," she said cheerfully. "I couldn't stand my bloody wounds from my previous motorcycle accident. They hurt like hell."
She's deadly right about the cure thing (although it often takes forever.:|)
"What about you?"
I sighed. "If I scrape my knee, I can instantly see and fix the problem right away," I reasoned. "It cures a lot faster too. Plus, I can only blame myself for not being careful enough."
Heartbreak? I can't always locate the exact pain. They say time always heals, but what if I'm sick and tired of waiting for it to heal? What if I'm sick and tired of the same old results in the end? Besides, no one has prescribed any pills for that. We've only got loads...for heart-attacks.
The Author/SBF
