2010-10-03 - 7:51 p.m.
Dear Pumpkin,
I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking of you again. Maybe it's because October 2 was (supposed to be) your birthday. If you were still around, you'd be 28 by now.
No, I'm not sad for you or anything like that. I haven't even dreamed of you again in a long time. But my cousin Andin did. She told me that the last time we met. She couldn't recall the details, because it was all too vague. I told her that maybe you wanted us to remember and pray for him there.
I'm sure you remember her.:) You guys went to the same high school, along with CB, Yayee, and Rera. Then you met me and Dave in college.
How are they? The last time I met your mother at your funeral, she told me that Rera was with her husband in Pakistan. I'm still trying to track her down online. I hope somebody has told her about you.
I saw Yayee at your funeral too. She said she'd been divorced with that guy we knew. (What's his name again, btw? Donny?) Honestly, I never really liked him. There was something off about him. You could say it was just my instinct, knowing how sweet you'd always been.:)
I'd never told you about one incident right after your birthday party at T-Box Cafe that night. You'd been busy chatting and laughing with the girls. I remember telling you guys that I'd be walking home alone, since Grandpa's house was only a block away. You know me, Pumpkin.:) I'd always been one of your favourite independent girls.
Then Donny said something about how inappropriate it was for girls to do that. I glared at him angrily and pointed out that I'd always prayed and been careful so far. Besides, it was only a block away, for God's sake! I could take care of myself. (And I still do, thank God!) I know how to watch out.
"You were just lucky," he snarled, and I'd wanted to punch him in the face for that. I mean, who the hell did he think he was?:( However, I caught myself just in time when I saw how happy you'd been that night. Why would I have ever ruined that? I never had the heart to. Still, you know how it is with me and guys like that.*scoffs* Ugh.*rolls eyes*
Dave is still...well, Dave.*shrugs* The boy is still the same. I don't know. The last time we met (also at your funeral), he said he'd grown cold and heartless. I didn't know why he said that, but I just didn't buy it. We both know he's denied a lot of things before. I know he's just afraid to get hurt, although he'll never ever admit it openly - even by force. So am I, Pumpkin. Emotional attachment to special people has always been the most beautiful yet also the scariest for me. We all know what can happen if it doesn't end too well on my side. Believe me, I have known too damn well of it.
That's why I still can't shake off this feeling of indifference. Only God can help me, because I don't want to be like Dave.:(
CB is well and happy with her husband Dewa Bear and two kids.:D She deserves that.
Btw, Andin's got married too - and is also becoming a new mother soon.:) Isn't that amazing? After her father's funeral last year, God gave her two reasons to smile again.:) You'd like Angga. He's mature and gentle.
Do you still remember the funny, ridiculous pact we made in college? That if we both turned 30 and still single, we'd move somewhere abroad and live together - so that we could be like "Will and Grace"?*giggles* You'd chosen France, but my French sucked (and still does :|) - so you gave in and agreed on New York. You said you'd always wanted to go to Bloomingdale's and stroll around Manhattan like your favourite girl Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex and The City".:P I'd like to see The Metropolitan Museum and the public libraries. Maybe Central Park too.:)
"Can I bring boyfriends home?" you'd also jokingly asked me. Of course I said no.:P When you asked why, my answer had been straight to the point: "If he were a bi and interested in me too, that would be trouble."
After that, we both cracked up laughing like crazy.*big evil grin*
Anyway, look where we are now. I guess I'll have to do things on my own. I mean, I've always been. That's never really been a serious problem to me, so I still wonder why some people find me strange.
You had always known my real problem. It's never been the solitude. I admit that it hurts like hell sometimes, but I can still manage. There are a lot of things that we can do in this world, whether we are alone or else. Not many people can accept my point of view, but you'd always been the most understanding. You were one of the few who did understand me inside and out - and not everyday you can really find a friend like that.
Speaking of that, I'd also never told you that at first, Mom wouldn't let me be friends with you and Dave.:( She was afraid that I'd get a hard time finding a boyfriend - for most people still have problems accepting gays in society. That was long before she'd ever got to know you too and saw how sweet you were. Now she knows that wasn't the case. I mean, look at the girls.:) I kept telling her no need to worry, because I never see that as the end of my world. Besides, I know how it feels to be judged.:| I never wanted to do that to you boys. I love you and I am no God.
You once told me that I was lucky that nobody was condemning me for ever loving a man. I don't know, Pumpkin. You said I'd always been tough and somehow, I feel like disappointing you all over again and I hate it.:( There are a lot of other things I'm really good at, but I'm not sure I want to deal with the same old pain again. Perhaps I should just accept the fact that love and I don't get along that well. They can call me a quitter or a coward, but they have no idea. I've just had enough of it. Once again, only God can change my mind. I am counting on Him for that. I'm tired and bored to death with it.
Don't worry, it's not going to kill me that easy. You know me much better than that. Rest in peace.
love,
Your Tomboyish Pal
