2010-09-03 - 8:06 p.m.
Well, what to say? I know it's been a long time since I last wrote in here...again. I feel like I've been behind my writing lately.
I'm not just talking about this, though.:P I had to give up a writing contest, only because I'd missed the deadline without any draft. So little time, so much to do. I know, the same old excuse.
Somehow, it didn't take long for me to go back feeling numb again. I don't know why.*shrugs* I've never asked for any of this and never want it. It's like, I can't even trust myself to feel anymore. It's scary and I can't help it. They say it's normal to feel, but what if you're not ready to accept the consequences after that? What if you get hurt again?
However, of course you can't deny what makes you human. So basically, this feels like a dog on a constant chase after its own tail.
"Which one is more correct: people change or you never really know people?"
I once asked that out loud. Mz.D had calmly stated: "The second one." After my second thought, perhaps that can be both. It all depends on the situations anyway.
You never really know people because they change, whether you like it or not. You can't always anticipate the changes too. As bitter as this may sound to you, that is a fact. It's not about what you like, but more about how it is. I mean, shit happens all the time - even when you least expect it.
It's not about what you want, but more about what you'll get in the end. It doesn't matter what you do, though.
Nothing lasts forever, even the good ones. Never forget that!
I've never seen Mz.D feel that disappointed before, to be honest. She may have told me that she doesn't care anymore, but I can tell. Most people either misunderstand me or take me for granted. I mean, just because I appear nonchalant on the outside and don't say much - doesn't mean I don't notice things. Some even think I'm still childish and ignorant to understand what's already too deadly obvious, and I simply take that as my personal advantage now.*big evil grin* Fine, let them all believe whatever the hell they like about me.*shrugs* Why should I even care or take it personal, anyway? That happens a lot. Do they even know me for real? I highly doubt that they even want to. Mz.D said that people like that often take the easy way out. Just call me weirdo and the discussion is over. That's it. No more arguments, please. From now on, shut up and listen. They don't even care if you pretend to agree with them or else.*shrugs*
I understand how Mz.D has felt actually. The short version, a friend of ours is more than eager to leave soon. Where to? We don't know. She's not telling us anything. (Or you can say, she's chosen to stop sharing things with us - the people she called 'friends'.)
It's not like we're not supportive of her new direction in her career or her happiness (anything in her future plans.) It's just...well, we somehow get the impression that we're not good friends enough for her to share something with anymore. Even if she didn't want to say much, a short liner would be appreciated. We'd congratulate her if whatever it is would offer something better for her.
I know, I know. She's entitled to do whatever she pleases. (Aren't we all, naturally?:P) I'm not pressing on the work ethics here. (Let that be her professional issue with the company.) Regardless everything, I still think of her as a friend. It's just unfortunate that she doesn't really feel the same about all of us here, that we're not that worthy enough to get an update of her. Even my favourite local columnist Samuel Mulia once wrote on his weekly column: "Who are we to think that we are that special to them, even when we think they're very special to us? Maybe it's not always because we're not good enough as friends. What if something just happens for no apparent reasons at all? Maybe we shouldn't take it too personal."
Maybe. But still, when you ask a friend why he/she has been a 'no show' lately and their only best answer is: "It's confidential", it sounds like a subtle way of saying: "Back off, this is none of your business."
Okay. We get you. We shall never disturb you anymore. How does that sound to you? Good enough?
Just don't expect too much from us anymore. (But I guess it won't be a problem for you.) Nothing is as disturbing as people coming over to you ONLY when they need something from you that benefits their personal interest. After that, they'll just go...poof!
............................
"Heavy skepticism stems from chronic cynicism which is produced by a series of unfortunate events that lead to the same old, repetitively unpleasant endings."
I somehow have stopped reaching out to Mom. There are battles that we just can't win. My last heart-to-heart conversation with her turned out to be another disastrous misunderstanding. Perhaps she didn't even bother to listen. She cut me off even before I wanted to finish. Typical. She thought she knew and understood me that much. Things have changed. It's not that simple anymore. Hasn't she noticed that or has she chosen to stay living in denial?
"I think she's grown tired of your father and spoiled sister," Mz.D once told me. "She's also realized that she made a mistake about letting your sister marry that guy you have to call your brother-in-law."
I don't have the heart to call Ganesh a mistake, because - honestly - he's the only good thing that ever came out of their wedding. (As harsh as it sounds.) I love the boy. I really, really do.
"But she won't admit it, I'm afraid," Mz.D went on, staring at me seriously. "She thought one burden would be away once a wedding took place. It didn't. It came with another, plus one, and another on the way."
Yes, people. Ganesh is going to have a baby sibling soon. I don't know how to put it. If I'm not being enthusiastic about it, then I'm a bad person. But if I say I'm happy, that means a lie. (Although I always believe that innocent babies are the reason God keeps delaying The Apocalypse of this already dying earth.)
"And your mother's been holding on to you, because - so far - you're the only sane voice she can rely upon. Your brother has chosen to stay busy outdoors - for as long as possible."
I know. He's still such a quiet kid sometimes. Sweet, but that's what he normally does when things slide downhill at home. Mr.Passive-Resistant who smokes a lot too.
And Mz.D was also right about the 'burden' thing.:( Mom may have given up on openly pushing me to get married soon, because she knows how much I hate it. That doesn't mean she stops worrying about it, though. (And they say it's normal. Mothers do that all the time.)
"You should never be tired of challenges. The world is never kind to weaklings!"
I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. Please, listen. Stop talking.
"And support? Never wait for others to support you. You have to support yourself, no matter what!"
I do, but does that mean I should stop reaching out to people?
"Every daughter who is not married yet is still her parents' responsibilities, no matter how old she is!"
Love sucks, Ma.:( Don't you notice how often it sends me back to the same old hell? What makes you think that this time it will be any different? I'd like to point out the contradiction too, because - every time there's a guy who seems interested in me - PEOPLE, even those whom I truly care about and who care about me as well, always ALWAYS claim there might be something strange about him. Even when they're right in the end, that is not the main point here.
If only all of you knew that all I wanted to hear from you was:"Good, I hope he's for real and treating you right." Yes, if only. Whatever happens in the end is on me. I thank you for always reminding me to be careful and watch my back, because I never stop doing that. Come to think of it, whether I'm careful enough or not, there is always a chance that I can still get hurt in the end.
Now I don't know what to do. Every time a guy seems interested in me (which doesn't happen too often like it does to some other girls), I just find it even harder to believe. Is it for real, or am I dealing with another poser?
Once again, please tell me. What kind of love that I must believe? Some people accuse me of being an anti-relationship/anti-marriage, but I doubt that they even notice how much love has done to me. Enough is enough. This sickening game is getting way too old - even for me. Are they even aware of how painful it is to have to see every guy/girl you've ever loved always ends up with somebody else - and you're always ALWAYS all alone in the end?
May God always spare them the agony. They have no idea. All they can easily do is blame me for this, because it seems much, much easier for them to find someone - or be found first.
"You're very patient on waiting," Bear once complimented me. I sneered at him.
"Oh, yes," I had to agree...half-sarcastically. "And my level of patience just gives some people the creeps here."
The Author
