2010-08-28 - 7:18 p.m.
I know, I know.:P I've slacked off from writing again. It's been too long this time.
I met Lovely Tony again last Tuesday morning. I must admit that he started reminding me more of Pumpkin...and Ki.:) I don't know if it's a good sign or else.:P
I also found out that Lovely Tony loves cooking and food.:D He hates frozen yogurt, though, because he prefers having it served fresh. The admin lady told me that he bakes yummy chocolate cakes and cookies he sometimes brings to work...only in the afternoon.:( My classes there only start in the morning.
Okay, enough about food.*giggles* Some people are still fasting.
Mom once said something about Ganesh one night. (He's 1.5 years old, btw.) These days, the cute toddler is clingy, demanding that everyone he wants has to be there for him and do whatever he wants them to. (Sounds familiar?*big evil grin*) Perhaps it's still normal for his age to act that way. I don't know.*shrugs* I'm no expert in this.
Maybe he'll change for the better. Don't we all hope so?:P
"Clingy, just like his mother."
I was genuinely surprised. I looked at her. "What?"
"Ganesh," she repeated. "He always wants everyone he wants to accompany him. Your sister was always like that when she was little too."
"Oh, really?" Don't you notice something, Ma? She still is.
"Even when she was in school, she insisted that I wait for her outside her class until she was done," Mom went on. Then she looked right at me. "Unlike you. You were always different. More independent. Even when you first started school, you simply told me not to wait for you."
That's why. You've always been so used to with me dealing with things on my own. Only my serious, critical situations really drag your attention. You're not used to having me reach out to you or anyone else. You always believe that I'm strong enough alone. It'll look out of place, won't it? Like a break of the already established routines.
You think I don't need people that much, do you, Ma? You think I don't need you at all? You have no idea, Ma. But I know what you really want from me these days. You want me to shut up and listen. No complaints and protests, please. You want me to take everything as it is. It doesn't matter what I think or feel. My opinion doesn't count. Being your version of 'a good girl' is what pleases you more. Being 'the perfect daughter'? That's even better. Too bad I can never meet your requirements. I'm sorry that I've always let you down.:(
But I'll never be sorry for being who I am. I'm just sad that it's not good enough for a lot of people to accept me for who I am.
"It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love..."
Mz.D said I should stop doing this to myself. I need to get help. I know what she means, but like what I've said - I'm not used to reaching out to people. It's not that I haven't tried. Sometimes the timing isn't right - or the person I'm reaching out to is just wrong. I'm still stuck in this Twilight Zone, working my way out. One way or another, that is.
I can't pretend I didn't remember one incident. (But still, I know I couldn't do no shit about it.)
It was one of those days when my sister was out somewhere. My parents and I were watching TV, while Ganesh was playing with his dad. Something happened which I couldn't recall, and Ganesh started crying. Instead of trying to calm him down, his dad snapped.
"Shut up! Shut up! I said, SHUT UP!"
The louder he yelled, the harder the boy cried. And both of them just wouldn't stop. No, thank God he didn't hit the boy. (Or else I would've beat the crap out of him, regardless the consequences.:x) However, he also did that in front of Dad. It didn't take long for the poor, ailing and sensitive old man to start bursting into silent tears.
So much for my effort to keep my negative emotions locked in, so that he wouldn't pick them up all too easily. (Grrh!!:x)
And Mom? She took it all so casually she even said, "You know, your father used to do that too when you were little."
Was it justifiable, Ma? I don't think so. What can you expect from a one-year-old toddler who still hasn't understood everything yet? I thought grown-ups were supposed to be in control!
But then again, who am I to say?
About a year ago, I'd planned to move out - despite Mom's possibly negative reaction to my decision. Then Dad fell ill and I had to cancel.
What now??
Last Wednesday night, I came home under the rain. My clothes and shoes were wet. I was slightly shivering from the chill.
From the window, I saw G riding his stationery bike while watching TV. He saw me in front of the window and frowned. At least, he should've had the decency to climb down for a while and open the locked double doors for me.
Nothing happened. I shook the knob and tapped on the wood panel. Nothing. I tried calling Mom's cellphone. No answer. I shook the knob and knocked on the door again. None. No shit.
I'd been waiting outside the doors for about five minutes or so, before Mom finally opened one for me. She seemed genuinely surprised. I let myself in without a word.
And he quickly escaped to his makeshift study in the garage. Smart move, I must say.
"Sorry, I didn't hear my phone," Mom apologized. "I left my cellphone in your brother's room while I was out eating salty chips."
"Where? Out out?" Funny I didn't see her outside before. She shook her head.
"No, in the living room."
"I didn't see you here before."
"I was-"
"-but I didn't see you."
"Of course. I was in front of the food cabinet at the far corner."
You think I didn't know, Ma? You were defending him again, no matter what he did.
It's a sign, Bear told me. An exit sign for me. Time to leave the house. When? In the process.
The only problems are probably telling Dad when the time comes...and separating with Ganesh.
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