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2010-08-15 - 5:08 p.m.

How do I define a fine weekend?:D First, it's not having to wake up early to work. Second, it's having your favourite local radio stations playing your favourite rock songs all day and night. You can sing a lot all you like. You don't care if it's fasting month, when you're strongly advised to rest your throat as much as possible. You know, talk less and think (and definitely pray) more. Singing a lot can make you feel thirsty. I'm not that hungry, thankfully. I've learned to control that part better.
More than once, I've been trying to find a more luxurious time to write. You know, the kind that has no distractions. (How busy and demanding the world is.) A lot of stuff are going around in my head, as usual.
However, what still bothers me the most is that I still dream of him again. Even when I've already asked God to push him out of my thoughts for good. I've already avoided all the cheesy romantic movies and love songs.
I hate it. I hate hate it. I never thought that I would finally come to this, but it's finally here.
Oh, well. No need to say that out loud.:| Let it be just between God and me. Besides, only He knows what to do. I mean, Ramadan is a special month - full of God's magical blessings and forgiveness. I believe in that. I know it is. They say our prayers are closest to God that He will simply grant them quicker than usual. We can ask for anything. There's no such thing as 'too much'.
Can I at least have my best friend back, or has he already turned into some stranger I should never disturb again? Am I asking for too much?
Don't get me wrong. Despite everything, I still wonder whether there will come a time when I can at least start believing in love again. Will it ever? I want to believe, but I don't know what to believe in. I mean, what kind of love must I believe in? Is it the love that always sends me back down to the same old, personal, earthly hell alone?
It's not that I'm always sad and depressed about my own life here.:P I mean, there are great things I enjoy about living single too.:D It's just the low prospect of love that runs my blood cold. My skepticism has enhanced the poison. Day by day, I feel myself growing emotionally distant from people, even the ones I really, really love. They can still see me smile, but do they notice something else? Do they even have the time and patience to notice and appreciate (the real) me?
Maybe I shouldn't be too selfish, expecting people to always be there for me. That's not right. I should be Ms.Independent, remember? I'm not supposed to fall apart again. Ever. I mean, I've done a pretty good job so far. Even too good sometimes. I'm very good at being alone that sometimes most people - especially guys - think that I don't need them at all. However, everytime I open up, shit always happens. That makes me believe that nobody will always be there for you, even when they've already promised you, "I'll always be there for you. You'll always have me. Nothing's going to change us." Yeah, right.*rolls eyes* I may sound bitter again to you, but that's just a fact. Some things are just out of your hands, no matter how hard you try. Let's face it. That's life. There's your reality. You're not going to die that easily, are you?
"The older you get, the fewer friends that stick around."
That's a scary thought about growing up, but also a fact. It's not always because you're in a big fight or they get bored of you or anything negative like that. It's also not always because there's something wrong with either of you. It just...happens. Does it hurt? Well, if they really mean that much to you, of course it does. Who says it's easy? Who says you have to be tough all the time a.k.a. cold as ice about it?
I'm sure it's the same damn thing with love. (Ugh.*rolls eyes*) It has nothing to do with you being nice/sweet/sour/bitchy/cold/whatever. When they notice you, good. When they don't, they don't. I can even say something about the self-help books like "Why Men Love Bitches" and "Why Men Marry Bitches":
No, God. Please, don't send me guys like that.:O I wonder why they need women to be bitches to them, just to make their miserably boring lives more interesting and exciting. Come on, that's just so bloody pathetic.*sneers*
But then again, what the hell do I know?*shrugs* If guys think I'm too kind for them, would they like me better if I got bitchy? I highly doubt it (especially because my vile tongue can simply make even the strongest man cry.:P No joke.) I could be, but what for? That won't get me anywhere. That's also stupid.
Maybe some people are meant to be alone for the rest of their lives. Why? How come? I don't know. How do they cope? How ready are they? I wish I had the decency to ask them such questions, because I've met good people who - ironically - are still alone.
Am I one? Will I become one?
I want to believe...that everyone has their soulmate. Is it too much to ask?

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