2010-07-17 - 3:40 p.m.
I think I must use thicker pillows to sleep.:| Lately, I've been having this similar, weird dream. (A 'well-labeled' weirdo with a weird mind?*big evil grin* Well, maybe.:P) Me, meeting Doraemon (a famous Japanese manga character - a blue, earless robotic cat) and asking him to lend me his magic door. With that magic door, we can go wherever we want to just by wishing it hard and then opening the door.
Well, that's exactly what I always do in that dream. I open the magic door and enter some foreign area. (Where is it? I think hard to myself. All I remember is that I want to escape.)
So I step in and look around. Cool breeze blows past me. I shiver slightly. Where am I? Everything is bright and crystal clear. No pollution. A few trees and the rest are classic, old buildings.
Then I see him among the busy crowd, standing tall and staring at me from across the street. I can't see his face clearly, but - somehow - I know exactly who he is. It's the same old face I've been missing for a very long time.:( It's the face I'd like to see for real, even for just once in my entirely mortal life.
I feel myself walking towards him. I can't help it. I don't know why. I just need to see him close, making sure that he's still real and not just some random stranger or an imaginary friend slowly fading away.
But most importantly, I want him to never forget me. Ever. I don't want to be either the ghost he can't see or a hideous freak he simply prefers to avoid for good.
Worst of all, I miss him. I despise the undeniable fact that I still do. It's slowly killing me within.:( I hate this.
He doesn't look too happy to see me. Horrified is the more appropriate word. (Of course, how in the hell would you react if you saw a door out of nowhere with a person showing up from behind it?*sneers*)
Then I feel myself slowly waking up. A part of me feels somewhat relieved that I don't have to scare him that much anymore. (I never want to hurt him, remember?) But then, the other part of me feels like crying:
No. Not yet. Oh, God. Please, not now. I still want to see him. Please...
Then I woke up feeling cold. Not for long, I rearranged my pillows and tried to go back to sleep, silently praying: Do me a favour, God. I deserve my peaceful sleep here. I don't ever want to see his face again in my dreams!:(
*deep sigh*
Ah, whatever.*rolls eyes* Maybe it's just exhaustion. Nothing more. Nothing too bloody serious here.
*sneers*
I didn't pass the audition for The Biggest Loser Asia 2. No surprise.*shrugs* I think there are still so many people out there who need it more than I do. It's not just about looks, but also health. I feel pretty good now, although still not in a 100% shape. (Whatever the hell that means, hehe.:P)
It would be nice to be able to escape to Malaysia for three months, though. Even nicer if I could win the US$100,000 and a brand new car. But then again, that wasn't my main reason.
I just want to get away...
What do I really want? These days, I want a lot of things. Not surprisingly, I mostly do. Some of them are impossible ones, I'm afraid. For example, I want love, but I don't want to fall. (How's that possible? How come there's no other way? Is it even fair, knowing that there's always a chance that you might crash and burn alone too many times in the end - and no one even gives a damn? I mean, come on. Enough is enough for one person alone, God!)
Hmm, let's see. What else do I really want? Surprisingly, I want to know how it feels to make a handsome hunk fall for me and then coldly break his heart in the end. (Which is highly impossible, since - let's just face it - most guys, as one of my friends put it once, just don't look that deep. Right?*sneers* Right??)
But then, how will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror after that? Of course not, since basically, I never like hurting other people - no matter how much I'm in pain at the moment. So, scratch that.:P
Don't worry.:)It's just one of those ugly days when you relapse. Don't worry. It'll pass - as always. Think of it as a seasonal bug.:P
"You need love, girl," my good friend Bear said teasingly. I sneered back at him.
"But love doesn't need me that much."
"Don't say that."
"It's true, because that's all I always see." I shrugged. "That's what keeps happening."
"It'll change. Just wait."
I raised my eyebrow, skeptically.
Do you know what I really need these days? (Well, aside of more money to begin with?*big evil grin*) I need love to STOP making fun of me, treating me as one of its favourite casualties. I need a reason - at least one - to believe in it again.
Most of all, I want this pain to go away. I'm not asking for too much, right? God??
I'm still reading Karen Rose's "Die For Me". (Oooh.:O) But don't be fooled by the title, because there's a sad part where Sophie tells her Uncle Frank that: "All good guys are already taken." Ha-ha!*sneers* Even thriller books have that.
Thank God CAE Final Exams were over last Thursday. (A day-off from work which ended with my terrible headache that I had to buy an aspirin on my way home.:|) I'm not sure I did the writing part that well, because I was already exhausted and...distracted.*blushes* Amber's colleague Gene, who assessed our speaking test, was quite good-looking. (Thick dark eyebrows? Check. Hehe.:P) That was my first impression on him until he first smiled and bared the nicotine on his teeth. Eww!
Then I heard from other female teachers that he was such a player. Once he managed to make two female teachers fight over him, but then he chose none. Ha!
Double eww.:|
Handsome guys are some of my weaknesses, but thankfully not the worst. Once knowing their ugliest side is more than enough for me to avert my dreamy gaze. Hehe.*sneers*
"Why is it so hard for you to move on?"
I'm sorry. I don't understand that question. If there were a smart doctor who invented the pills to cure a broken heart instantly, then I'd like to take one. Two, since the poison is this lethal.:P
Once again, it's not about ANY of them. It's about me. People talk about 'forgive and forget' as quick and easy as instant commercials, but I happen to be the person I have trouble forgiving.
Why did I ever have to fall in love in the first place?
"I won't cry for a guy, I won't cry for a guy, I won't cry for a guy..."
"There, there." Pumpkin hugged me that day, when I realized that Joza and I would never be the same again. Not even as 'just good friends', but 'people who used to know each other pretty well, once upon a time'. "I can tell your mantra's not working."
"I wish I had never fallen in love with him. I despise myself for such stupid wishful thinking."
"No, please don't say that."
"I wish I had never been in love with him or any other guy. I don't want that happen again."
"You don't mean that," he said. Maybe, just like most people who claim they want to die after their broken hearts when all they ever really want is for their pain to completely go away.
"What is so good about falling in love when in the end it always breaks your heart? I hate it, Pumpkin."
"I know, sweetie. I know."
Love. Even that single word simply runs my blood cold these days...
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