2010-05-20 - 10:20 p.m.
On days like this, don't you dare even try to blame me and my personal insecurity whenever I say this.
Sometimes, I hate being fat.:( It sucks in too many ways. Why? Look at those judgmental eyes and insulting comments. I mean, who ask for their opinion anyway?
Just because you're fat, they think you always eat like a hog. When you go to weddings, we all know there are always buffet tables filled with mega delicious food. But by the time you're about to get home, one of them might casually ask you with that big, dumb-looking smile: "Have you eaten enough yet?"
But if you order half a portion at those cheap food vendors, they think you're on a diet - while all you really want to do is eat less, no particular reason. Like that stupid vendor guy one night who grinned and nosily asked, "So, are you on a diet or something? Scared of getting fat?"
"You just had to say it, didn't you?" Son of a bitch! If you were in my shoes, I am pretty sure you'd wanted to beat the crap out of him, so he'd know how to shut the hell up next time and mind his own damned business. You may have great friends like mine, telling you that guy was too stupid to be more sensitive and understanding with other people's feelings. Still, he had no right and you didn't deserve that shit.
Oh, yeah. Nothing new. Fat people get picked on all the time, even when they're not looking for trouble and want to be left alone. The bitch is, if fat people get so angry and defensive, people easily accuse them for being overly sensitive. It's like no, fat people don't have the right to defend themselves from verbal bullying and they have to put up with that shit for the rest of their lives. That's right. You don't get it. Why don't they choose to condemn the real, more horrible people out there - those who inflict serious pain on others? Why won't they leave you alone, because you've been fair and sensible enough by minding you own business.
Then there are the 'good people' who think they know how to solve your problems. "Ignore them, then they'll stop taunting you," they'll say, but we all know the truth. As long as evil exists, the vicious mental cycle will keep on turning. When the bullies won't stop, these 'good people' will divert the problem on you. "If you are so self-conscious and insecure with the way you look, no wonder they won't stop." Ha-ha, the problem is always on you, right?*sneers*
After that, all they keep on telling you is stay positive and confident. Well, it's not like you never try. If they think you fail at doing so, maybe they can settle with a Barbie or a Stepford Wife - that, if they prefer something rather abnormal. You know how those two are; always picture-perfect beautiful with wide smiles and fancy dresses. Most importantly, they are never fat. There you go. That can always be heir choice if they think you're being too difficult with yourself and other people. They think you started this whole shit all by yourself? They think you asked for it??
Then there's your own mother, who's never stopped making a fuss about your weight. It doesn't matter that you have a great career and work out regularly. All she wants is for you to be thin, so you can look a little more like your taller, slimmer sister. Diets after diets for years, until you got sick of it all and practically begged her to stop and leave you alone. It doesn't matter that you can sing and are a talented writer. That is just not good enough. All you really want is to hear her say she loves you for who you are and that you are beautiful - the way your dearest friend often says when you're losing faith and confidence. Being good and smart is not good enough. You still can't meet their requirements and you get sick and tired of it all. It always feels like an unpleasantly exhausting sport, a stupid competition that you know you'll never win - yet she's still forcing you to join over and over again until you become the champion. When? And for whom??
You don't care if the guy of your dreams always prefers the picture-perfect, slim beauties. You know it's much harder if your own flesh and blood just won't accept you the way you are. There are too many demands you can't fulfil. Even when you have tried, the progress is so slow that she gets impatient. And for what?
Somehow, you can't take it anymore. After she talked about her friend's success in losing weight and said you could try the same solution, you found yourself silently crying alone in front of your television. Not from the sad movie, though.
What would they all say if you screamed at them?
"I HATE IT! STOP IT! SHUT UP! PLEASE, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE IF YOU CAN'T STAND ME AT ALL!"
The Author
