2010-04-24 - 12:36 p.m.
"Corpses are meant to stay dead and buried underground. Stop digging the grave and re-inviting the same old, disturbingly chaotic ghost into my life."
Please, don't let my heavy sarcasm bother you so much.*big evil grin* It's just me.*shrugs*
And if you can't stand it, you know what to do. This is not a compulsory read for you.*sneers*
Pardon my heavy sarcasm here, but - on a second thought - I needn't apologize for it.:P I write whatever I like here. I've been this way on and off for years. It's kind of silly to be sorry for who I really am, just because some people have a problem with it.
Right, you don't know what I'm talking about.
Actually, it's not some people. Just "one" who clearly has a problem with I've mostly been writing online lately.
I know my dear old friend Yukes didn't mean to bring it back to life. She was just both pretty shocked and curious.
But somehow, I also suspected that she might've said some things to Red's Girl that made her talk to me like this:
"Do you think I've changed? I think you have. You've grown bitter and sarcastic, as if you refuse to look at the big picture."
Excuse me?!:O That was completely out of the blue and uncalled for! Yes, I may be bitter most of the time these days - especially when it comes to how sucky love is. (Ugh.) But I still function normally like most normal people do, going about my daily life. I don't act like a poor, pathetic damsel wallowing in stupid misery over a lost (but so-called) prince charming. (Yuck.) I don't, okay?
And I won't.*rolls eyes*
How dare she? Who asked her anyway?? Just because she's been living on her own independently since 18 doesn't make her better than me and that I am the pathetic loser!:x I know her parents are dead and she's never really close with her own siblings, but - honestly - she is starting to really, really get on my nerves.
"I don't know." I still tried to keep my cool, only because I didn't want to start any fight by talking back to her. "Maybe it's because we haven't chatted in a long time."
"Oh, cut the crap!" What? Hey! "I know you too damn well. You can't fool me with that."
Oh, really?*scoffs* So?
"It feels like you don't want to talk or listen to any of us anymore after he and I have decided to be more serious."
So, she was trying to tell me something - but didn't know that Yukes has already broken the news of their engagement to me. And I intend to keep it that way. Yukes has also agreed to that.
"You know me," I slowly typed, grateful that she didn't press me to use the webcam. "My ears are always open to all kinds of news. How I will register them later is my own personal problem and I am the only one who must deal with that."
So, go ahead, I silently urged. Do tell me. Don't be afraid.
"I know that feelings can't be compelled." Good. At least she still gets it as much as I do. "But I feel bad about whether I should tell you this or not."
Then why the stalling? We've gone through this before.
"I tell you what." Let's get this over with. "You do what you have to do. Worry not too much about how I might feel or what others may think. There are always sacrifices to make in life, in every decision that we make."
There. I've finally said it. As hostile as I may have sounded to you, I was just stating the truth. No bitterness intended, really, although I don't expect any of you to believe me.
However, she didn't respond to that. Later, I spotted her writing on her FB wall about her complaint that no one seemed to want to listen to her anymore nor even try to understand her decision and point of view.
*deep sigh*
Haven't I sacrificed enough already? I let them be, only because I know how they really feel for each other and that I truly care about them. I still hang out with them, at least once in a while. I still (want to) talk to them, although not as often as I used to. I am still calling them my friends. I am still being fair here.
What else does she want from me? To simply state: "Life is good, I'm happy, and everything is perfect" on my FB wall, just so it'll ease her clear conscience? To write only the good stuff online - so that she won't (have to) feel guilty and suspect that she might have something to do with it? Oh, please.*rolls eyes* What makes her think that the world revolves around her?
"Maybe she feels guilty."
"A little too late for that, don't you think, Yukes? I don't want him back, but I'd appreciate it if she stopped bringing that up again."
And I believe that I am not asking for too much here. It's just a simple request here, like what he'd asked me about a year ago before his second visit here:
"If we are going to talk, let's talk about now."
For her sake, I granted his request. I didn't tell anyone about this, not even her. I don't know if he has told her about this and I won't even bother to find out.
And surely, I won't tell him that she is also using him to leave the country - and her old miserable life behind. I get it. Every normal person wants to be happy. She's got him and he's chosen her. What more could they ever really want from me? I've let them be.
The only thing I am still doing right now is rebuild my house of cards, my isolated sand castle. The old storm has stolen the calmness I need. I can't lose it now, although my pal Al said that it was okay to fall apart - just to remind us that we're only frail living beings...:(
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