2010-04-18 - 9:41 p.m.
"Like a frightened child in denial, seeing the truth as a hideous monster makes a weakling turn to lies for a deceiving, yet temporary comfort."
"She told me she was engaged to him and planned to join him in US soon. Is it true?"
How do I know? Nobody told me. None of them even did. Once again, I was left in the dark. So typical, so cliche. But then again, why the hell should I even bother? That's just none of my damn business, eh? I must be fair and logical, right?
"I don't know, Yukes. Why?"
"She asked me a lot about visa and stuff. She has changed a lot."
"People change, whether we like it or not." So Yukes did notice it too all along, eventhough I tried to keep it from her for a while - at least until the storm passed. She knew, all the way from Australia.
The next thing I realized, our conversation flowed like water from a dam.
"I don't understand,"Yukes said. There was obvious confusion and she seemed upset as well. "She's changed very drastically. I...I feel like I've lost a friend."
And things are never the same again, I silently mused. Isn't that how life always works? Nothing can ever really stay the same, no matter just how good they are.
"And she also said some things that really pissed me off sometime ago."
"What was it?" Okay, that was new. As far as I remember, those two girls have known each other long before I turned up. They've been fairly close, but maybe I was just assuming too much.*shrugs*
"She said she was always envious of me, only because I kept winning scholarships abroad and live with my husband in Australia. Seriously, I felt a bit insulted."
So I haven't seen this side of her yet. Surprise, surprise - or maybe not really. Maybe I never really know anybody at all.
"Don't get me wrong," I finally told her. "I don't want him back, but that doesn't mean I can forget the pain a;; too easily."
"I know, baby girl.:("
"Looks like he still keeps his promise that he'll never treat her the way he has me." Ha-ha. Why did I still want to act noble again, after all of that? Old habits die hard?? "And feelings can't be compelled, although I didn't deserve to be left confused alone for a year."
"Yeah, but-"
"Please, just leave them both alone. I don't care if they elope to US without telling anybody here. I just need to get on with my life - something I must do right away."
"I told her there are 'unwritten rules' between friends." I sighed. Here we go again.:| "You know, she was mad at me that I was more on your side. I told her that at least she tried to understand that you were hurt too."
I see. Wow. Although I was glad that Yukes could at least understand me, it still brought back sad memories.:( Again, my feelings had to be sacrificed. Nothing new with that.
"I still treat them as friends, but things have changed, Yukes. I can't tell them just about everything anymore."
"I know. It's amazing that you still have the strength to see them both."
I don't have much of a choice, do I? "I have to show them that I am not that weak. I am responsible for my own feelings. I have to be. Not any of them. No one's going to do that for me."
However, after that - I found out that my eyes once again betrayed me. I hated their redness, with tears escaping freely. Even my own reflection stared back angrily at me.
You promised. You promised you'd never do this again!
It's not about them. It's me. Don't try to convince me of what love can do, because - as far as I can see these days - it has done more than enough for me. I mean, if all I can see in love is its sucky repetitions of unhappy endings, then what else is there left to believe? What?
It's not about how near or far they are, or whether they live next door or somewhere across this globe. Every guy I ever love always goes away. They always, always go away...
"Pain can be controlled. Just disconnect." (Kyle Reese - "The Terminator")
Too bad I'm not always doing it well.:|
*deep sigh*
Whatever.*rolls eyes* Soon I'll get back to 'normal'. Normal people's (supposedly) version of 'normal'.
Whatever the hell that means.*sneers*
Thursday cheered me up, luckily. I was a dubber again.:D Mz.D even suggested that I try out a suitable talent show as soon as possible.
"You're a great storyteller. You're an author. You're a talented singer. You love to act, especially on parodies. You've also studied media broadcasting and advertising. Why don't you try combining all?"
Knowing how crazy I am, good idea.:)
My squash practice went well on Saturday.:) One of my brother's friends Khalid played with me and complimented my pretty quick shots.
"My brother's a good coach," I told him. He quickly agreed.
"Yes he is."
That was before I missed the next shot. Damn!:P
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