2010-04-05 - 8:06 a.m.
This feels like another letter I'll never send to the (intended) recipient. Perhaps I don't need to. It is no longer important nor even relevant anymore anyway. Like an old, super outdated file at the very back row of the cabinet waiting to be permanently disposed.
I always hate goodbyes. I still do. I am never really an expert at dealing with it coolly, although I always try my hardest not to show it on the outside. Sometimes it works, sometimes I fail. You know, the usual business in being me.
To this day, I am still bad at losing people. No, I don't mean 'bad' as in 'unable to function like a normal human being in everyday life'. I still do my job well and hang out with friends. I am pretty much an expert at those things, remember? Just like writing and singing.
And you should be proud of me. Does it even matter anymore? Has it ever really, anyway? We are talking about me today. Can I get my turn, at least for just once in a while? I am not asking for too much here, am I? You kept telling me that yes, I too deserve happiness. I know that already. You know me (or do you really?) I am the one who is still afraid to be selfish. It's always been about other people first. I don't know why I keep doing that and how to just snap out of it and stop. I don't know how to be cold and heartless all over me, at least for my sake this time. Why can't I just do that? Why won't I? I mean, I could if I wanted to. Just like other normal people in the world. I mean, I am not alone in this, am I?
I don't know what I am really feeling these days. I am not happy nor sad. I am not angry as well. Emotionally flat? Maybe. Maybe I am just cold and numb. It has been on and off for some time, like an autopilot. My self-defense mechanism? Yes, you could call it that. You could call it anything you like. Maybe you are right. I am re-building thick, brick walls around me and my already isolated castle, my fortress of solitude. Perhaps it is the only way I know to protect and take care of myself. You said I should do that first, remember? No one is going to always be there for you, and you have taught me well. Thanks for the reminder. I have to make sure that I will never forget that again.
Don't get me wrong. It is not like I still have those warm, fuzzy feelings for you like I used to. Hey, don't we both have to thank God for that? Alhamdulillah. Amen! I hope you are happy. Honestly, I am only relieved. This way, at least I can stop wasting my precious tears on you. You won't see me cry again and I have to make sure there will never be another forsaken day for that. Once is more than enough already.
I don't hate you either. I still welcome you as a friend, remember? Especially since you are still treating her right, from where I see now. I will only hate myself more if I ever do something that can make such pity escape your beautiful, smoky-blue eyes. You know I am too good for that, Red. I know I am much better than that. I don't beg, no matter how much it hurts. Either it has something to do with my pride or just my way of survival. It may take a longer time than what usually happens to most 'normal' people, but then again - what is 'normal' anyway? Am I ever one of them? All I know is that instant results hardly come my way. I always have to earn it the best way I know how with all of me, and oftentimes - that is still not good enough. Good grades, good friends, social acknowledgements, boyfriends...you name it. I am more than well-aware that not all girls are born-divas, but then so what? Everybody's different. You said some things that sort of reminds me of one of "Ugly Betty" episodes. Pretty girls have problems too, because they have to wonder a lot more about whether those guys who surround them really love her. Lucky for the 'other' girls, because - although only one or two who might come along - at least they can tell these guys are for real. (Oh, really?:P If that is really the case, then pardon my skepticism, dear.)
I know you've never searched for Pretty Ms.Popular who already has it all. I thought we'd had something back then, but - like I have already told you before - I don't get that a lot from guys. I don't know how to be the girlfriend material they are looking for. I just know how to be the best friend. That is not a bad thing, I believe, but I am sorry if that is just not enough for you or anyone else. Hey, at least I have tried my best, remember?:) That is one thing I am good at and I am not sorry for being who I am. I know I am good at my job too and writing. Come to think of it, maybe I don't have to excel at everything. After all, I am not going to die over a broken heart. That is just plain stupid.
Still, I am glad. I am glad that I no longer have to see you off at the airport when you leave. Sucks for her, though. But as long as you keep that promise about being good to her, then good. For her sake, please stay that way.
Still, I am traumatized with airports. I even have to skip watching sappy flicks. You know, the ones where they have those sickening, tearful-goodbye scenes. I know I am a cynic, but I hate letting myself get that weak. It feels like handing a knife to the one you love and asking them to stab you multiple times, then leave you to bleed to death on the gutter, just so you'll get off of their backs for good. I know the image is too gory, but I can't seem to picture love the way every (blind) optimist usually does. I have tried, but the same old cliche always comes back to haunt and taunt me. That is why I now see love as nothing more than just a twisted, mean joke. I don't think I still have the energy to laugh at the all-too damn familiar irony anymore. I am tired, okay? I even asked God to make love leave me alone if it showed up with the same old dumb, too-good-to-be-true prank anymore. No, I am not desperate nor hopeless. I am just so sick of it. I don't expect anyone to understand me.
Believe it or not, you were the very first guy who'd heard my "I love you" right in your face that day. You only said "I know" and left. Just like that. Then you'd grown distant in a year, gradually pushing me away. When she first told me about you and her, I had to know why you chose to keep me in the dark for too damn long. Why didn't you tell me that sooner? You just said sorry you hadn't got back to me soon, but also refused to talk about the past anymore. Wow. It was like, I was sooo...dispensable. It was like what I'd said to you that day just didn't matter nor deserve the most brutal honesty A.S.A.P. Is it how most of you guys often see me? I hope not, and it will only take one to prove me wrong. I am not greedy. I don't need two or too many (ha-ha, as if I could ever really reach that number!:P)
It doesn't matter anymore, anyway, right? For now, I am still the silent witness to how love's been treating me. But still, I am okay. I am alive and well enough alone.
The Author
