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2010-3-17 - 3:50 p.m

Two Sundays ago, I had my first squash practice. I love it.:) I've been bored to death lately and desperately in need of something new. I need something to take my mind off reality - even temporarily. Just like most people who fear stagnation really do, I need to try new things.

It's a good thing so far.:) Let's hope it'll keep getting better. I am no longer talking about weight-loss here, just health. I am not about to get myself obsessed with being skinny just to merely impress some shallow-minded guy. That is just stupid.*scoffs*

So far, Dear Brother has been a great coach. His girlfriend Dindi and their friends are also cool. They don't seem to mind my presence, although I am his older sister.

But most importantly, it feels so damn good to be able to hit the wall without having to use your fist.*big evil grin* You won't make a fool out of yourself with unnecessary injury whenever you can't help yourself but thinking about annoying things...and people.:| This is a good therapy.

It's just life. You don't have to like everything.

Right.:P

But that night, Leese suddenly texted me:

"I am stressed out. Why won't any guy be serious with me?"

............................

Although I felt deeply sorry for her and did sympathize with her ongoing crisis (parents' messy divorce, financial issues, and now...the mentally-ill brother being hospitalized), I couldn't help but wanting to scream. But it was already past midnight, so I muffled my sheer rage and frustration with a pillow on my face:

"G-g-grrrhaaargh...damn it! Shit, shit shit!"

Get a grip on yourself, you silly bitch! I silently yelled at myself.

:'-(...

I hated myself that night. I hated the tears that had successfully escaped my eyes again. I even despised the thought of feeling completely defeated all over again. I wished I could've thrown it against the wall, but I was already too sick and tired of everything related to...love. Ugh.*rolls eyes*

Want to know why, Leese? I'd wanted to tell her. It's not your fault. I know that he ditched you and married someone else instead, but it wasn't you. You're one of the sweetest, most caring and helpful girls that I know - and it's a Goddamn shame that he refused to see that. You love children too. What else could a man ever really ask for? That's what they all keep saying, right? Right??:( It's not your fault that those guys are way too much of a coward to have to deal with your family issues as well. I mean, just who the hell are we kidding here? Fairy tales are stupid! There is no such thing as a prince charming or a knight in a shining armour to save you. You've been on your own for as long as you can remember. Oftentimes, being good in the real life is just not enough. Damsels in distress are as good as dead.

That's just how guys normally are, dear.:'-( They can't, they don't, and they won't look that deep. One of them has even confessed that to me. Reality bites? Well, at least that still keeps us awake, eh?*sneers*

In the end, I've only sent her this:

"Cinta cuma lelucon brengsek dan kejam."

Sorry, I'm just way too sick to even write that in English. If you know what it means, then good for you.

The funny thing is, I just rejected some guy - only because he was being way too demanding and pushy. He once wrote me this:

"If you reject my gift, you reject me."

I just can't stand guys who think that all girls - especially from Asia - are easily swayed by material things. Come on, are we that docile and shallow? Besides that, what is the guarantee that he'll like me more when he really comes here to visit me? How do I know that he is for real, not just some deranged lunatic looking for a toy to play with or something else worse than that?

It's all just too damn good to be true. People can say nice things to you, but who really mean what they say and say what they mean?

How the hell will I know that this time will be different?

I can't deal with any of that shit. Until when? Only God knows.

Thank God for the workaholic me, though. At least that can still help me to focus on more logical, rational, and relevant stuff these days. I try not to pay attention to Gigi's mysteriously chipped tooth (like Viona's when her abusive ex hit her), or how Notorious Boy often roams around the office parking lot at late night. (Believe it or not, that coward always pretends not to notice Mz.D, Pitbull, and me. What a pathetic loser.*rolls eyes*)

Surprisingly, Gigi suddenly asked Pitbull and me to go see a movie with her last Friday night. It was completely out of the blue. It felt like the good old days again. We went to see Tim Burton's version of "Alice In Wonderland" (a super cool fan fiction!:D) Johnny Depp is AMAZING as always.:D Helena Bonham-Carter and Crispin Glover really cracked me up. Anne Hathaway looked slightly old and creepy, and a big applause for newcomer Mia Wasikowska as the late-teen Alice!

My second squash practice last Saturday was a bit better than the first.:) I know my swinging hand is still a little stiff. At least, I could throw my frustration and rage against the wall over and over again - until I was out of breath.

Thump. Thump. Whack!

"Good. Again!"

I don't want to fall in love. Love just cuts like a knife...

Thump. Thump-thump. Whack! Thump-thump-thump. Whack!

You make the knife real good. I'll fight you to the end...

"Again!"

Love sucks. Lovesuckslovesuckslovesucks...

Whack!

"Good," my brother finally told me once we were done. "Looks like you're ready for your first trial match next week."

Cool.:D

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