2010-2-28 - 10:15 a.m.
There was something funny - yet also quite disturbing - that my sister had told me sometime ago:
Her: "Are there any Caucasian guys at where you work?"
Me: "Only in Pancoran and Panglima Polim."
Her: "Then why don't you date them."
Me: "???"
Ha-ha.*sneers* That just sounds like this:
"Looking for some new clothes about your size? Just go to Heritage."
Whee!:P
Isn't it funny? Isn't life ironic? I must keep practising on how to laugh at irony.:P
Especially if the same old cliche just keeps on happening.
Mz.D said I was always meant for bigger things. Okay, so maybe I was never an ace student. I could study hard a week before the test and ended up only with half the score my sister always earned effortlessly with a quick once-over in one-sitting - practically two hours before the test. She could sit nonchalantly and all the guys would get in line just to date her. All she had to do after noticing that was take her pick and she finally did.
Me? I've never been that girl, okay? I've accepted that. All the good guys are my good friends, and you could hear from them telling you what a wonderful friend that I am.:) That's still a good thing, right?
The shit is, the only guys who have seemed interested in me so far were mostly anonymous freaks/stalkers/psychopaths, or just...either too impossible - or even the lonely souls. The last ones are only and always temporary. Once they find someone else much more interesting than me, they're gone. Just like that. Good thing they're not lonely anymore.
I remain alone. I have to live with that, right? And I can. Not exactly my choice, but that's just how it is. What else can I do?
For how long? Don't ask me. How the hell should I know? I'm not the kind to fetch heartlessly. Call me a boring idealist, but we're not talking about something practical here. This ain't no junk food, although I've seen some people treat it that way and get sick with it after like, what? Three to five years from now?
That's why I kept quiet once again. She never has any idea what it's like to be me, and I'm not going to start forcing her to step into my shoes. They don't fit anyway, and that's just not the way to be. Not cool.
Besides, why did she have to be that specific? Do I look that picky??
And I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
"I've got my pride and I know how to hide all my sorrow and pain...I'll do my crying in the rain..."
That's right. You must never get down on your knees and beg them please. You're much, much better than that.
Maybe, just maybe...it's fate. Just like almost everything in my life that I had to earn in a much longer time than most normal people. That doesn't mean I'm slow. I mean, come on. Do you seriously think I am asking for this? No. It took me about 3 - 4 years after my college graduation to finally get a stable job. Somehow, God keeps reminding me not to take things for granted.
The same thing with The So-Called Mr.Right, though. (Pardon my lack of faith in love, but I have my reasons from looking back so many times.) If he ever comes, fine. I won't take him for granted, for it'll be one hell of another try to do it all over again. (And I hope he'll never take me for granted either, because I can't respect people who don't appreciate me that much.)
But if he never does, fine. I can live with that if I have to. I've somehow reached the point where I don't give a damn anymore. I don't care if I die trying. No one and nothing can ever kill me that way so easily. I won't ever let that happen without a fight.
And I shall wait for no one anymore. Let them come when it's time, or let my front porch be empty. Whatever it is in God's Master Plan for me.
These days, I've seen too many people treat relationship as a mere status, a fun game to play, a joke. One local celebrity got involved in drugs and ended up flirting with her already married lawyer, claiming she was in love with him. Since she's hot, what sane guys would ever say no to her? It doesn't matter if the lawyer's already got a wife. He's just being a normal guy, right? Right??
*sneers*
Relax, they might tell me. Don't take things way too seriously. Have some fun for once in a while. It won't hurt to break rules sometimes. Be open-minded. Be flexible. Don't be too bloody uptight, for it will make you boring as hell and less exciting.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just naive and still such a kid about it. But hey, I'm not the victim of some stupid fairy tales. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I've always respected relationships. When it comes to involving other people's feelings, I don't think I can just play it like a game. I don't even want to.
And I'm not sure I can respect people who disrespect relationships that way. Well, once again, I don't have to like everything, right? What the hell do I really know anyway? It's not like they need it nor care anyway. I'm just stating my personal opinion here. I'm opinionated. So what?
With something like this, I can't help but wonder:
Can love be that practical? Can feelings be compromised?? At what cost???
The Author
