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2009-11-30 - 11:48 p.m.

"Okay, hypothetically: You meet a girl and both of you fall in love with each other. Then you decide to get married and have agreed with 'no kids' policy. But somewhere along the way - no matter how careful you are - something still happens and she gets pregnant. What do you think?"
"Then that would be a problem, wouldn't it?"

I still remember that conversation over dinner together. I can picture the way his piercing, smoky blue eyes gazed at me. They'd meant business. There was also a sense of finality in his voice. No compromise. End of discussion.
It happened about one and a half years ago and somehow feels like worlds away. Other times, it still does feel like yesterday.
How unbelievably odd.
Up to now, he still has no idea just how much what he'd said back then really scared me. I mean, I'm not exactly too crazy about kids - or even the thought of having one or two myself. I love kids. They're great. That's it.
Well, he doesn't need to know that. I don't want him to. I believe I have made the right decision not to pursue it any further, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt at first. No b.s. here.
Now I feel is nothing else but total numbness whenever I think about him. I don't know why, or whether it's a good thing or else. Or even both.*shrugs* I've got a lot to do now, but so little time. A bad (time) management. How typical.
I just need to keep reminding myself of that conversation, so that I have no more regrets left about it. The 'what ifs' are useless. They only torment your soul and leave no space to breathe.
The only good thing at home that can make me smile more is the presence of my cute, seven-month-old nephew Ganesh.:) I know he's not my own real son, but does it really matter these days? To me no, at least. My mornings are the best when I'm with him. When his parents are away, he's with me when I'm available. He's the source of happiness at home. I love making him smile and laugh. I love hugging him close. With him, time seems endless. I barely worry about work or other (heavier) things. I even don't care if I still don't get along with his dad (which is sadly, not my fault anyway!)
With Ganesh, I am completely a different person than what most people see everyday. And I am enjoying this, while I still can...:D
Hani said the result of Red's unhappy childhood has made him that way. I know that too and can understand that. Too bad, so sad that he can't see the best a child can ever really offer any tired, adult soul in the world...

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